You’re my world, you see
Here where I lie, you’re consuming me
And I can’t even lie, girl it’s breaking me
That you’re over there, somewhere out in this world
And I can’t even get a grip on you, girl
I just wanna know
Are you over me yet?Cause
You set my heart on fire
When you left and then I burned, burned, burned in flames
You set my heart on fire
While I sat and I waited, thinking I’m ashamed.
You set my heart on fire
And I can’t even lie, girl you’re breaking me
Chapter Twenty-Six
ELLIE
17 years earlier
Despite being born four and a half weeks early, I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I gave him a name that we both loved.Whenever we had discussions about our future and kids, we talked about naming a future son Dylan and it fit him so perfectly; our baby even has the same sparkling green eyes that I fell in love with.I did list Lee as the father on his birth certificate but after a lot of thought – and discussions with Dad – we decided it was best to give him my last name.
We arrived home when Dylan was just five days old, so small and frail.I hadn’t had time to set anything up in my room yet so while I was at the hospital, Dad, Mallorie and Amy unpacked and put everything together as a surprise.Even Steff came out to see us when we came home.I hadn’t seen her in so long and just like the Steff I knew and loved, she hugged me and listened as I cried and told her all about what happened after I left.
I went through all the phases of emotions during the first few months of Dylan’s life.I don’t think I was properly able to grieve and get through the finality that Lee’s death brought because I was fighting through loving this little life we created and hating my life without him.
During one of the many sleepless nights where I struggled to keep it together, I went through my memory box and pulled out the unopened letters from the months after our summer together.They were eye openers to the truth behind the twisted lie that brought my world down.
Who lies about being pregnant just to keep a guy?
That thought brought on the anger – so much anger toward Maggie and toward myself – and regret.I was angry that I if I had only stopped to think this through, if I had given him just two minutes to tell me, if I had stayed that last night with him, or even if I had answered the phone when he called, then maybe things would have come out differently and he would be here with his little boy today.
His letters brought tears as I read his beautiful words; they were reminders of his love and I held them in my hands, smoothing out the wrinkles in the paper so that I could save them forever.
I put a picture of Lee in a simple white frame on top of the table next to Dylan’s crib so that he could always know who his daddy was and so I could always say goodnight to both of them, together.
* * *
Dad talked to Mrs.Combs and told her all about Dylan when we had had a chance to settle in.She was shocked, sad, and happy all in one ten minute phone call.They made plans to fly out and visit us as soon as they were able to and when he was ten weeks old, Dylan met his second set of grandparents.They loved and doted on him like he was the best thing in the world, and they decided they were going to visit every six months, starting with his six-month birthday.
“That’s not nearly often enough!”Mrs.Combs exclaimed while Dylan opened his mouth and yawned.“Thank you for this precious gift, Ellie.”She looked at me over the tiny version of Lee that was nestled in her arms.“He would have loved this little guy so much, and I wish he had the chance to meet him, but I’m so very thankful that we have this piece of him to carry on with us.”She started to cry, and I kneeled next to her chair, hugging her arm, “I’m so sorry, Mrs.Combs, I’m sorry.”I sobbed.
“Oh darling, you don’t have anything to be sorry about.”She said, leaning her head down to touch mine.
“But I do!If only I had talked to him, if I had told him I was pregnant…” she cut me off and said to me sternly, “Now, you stop that.Don’t you go blaming yourself, Ellie.This is no one’s fault but those men that he got himself messed up with.Blaming yourself will lead you down a vicious downward spiral and you have this amazing little man right here that needs you to be strong for him.He is going to love you unconditionally and he will need all of you, not just the broken pieces of you, while he’s growing up.Do you hear me?”
“Yes ma’am,” I wiped my face with the back of my hand.“I hear you.”
