“Princess—”
“Stop calling me that!” Her voice turned shrill and she closed the distance between them in three strides. “You think I don’t understand that you call me by my title because you want to distance yourself from me? You know that I’m Biyu.YourBiyu. When I’m with you, I’m not a princess of a dead dynasty. I’m simplyBiyu. So call me by my name!”
Nikator opened his mouth to speak, but she could see that his decision was made. He wasn’t going to come with her. He stood by his words. That she didn’t know better than him, that he was too much of a monster for her, and that she would do better without him.
Biyu grabbed the lapel of his tunic and tried shaking him. “Listen to me! I know what’s in my heart, Nikator, and it’syou. It’s always been you. And it’s not because—because I had no one else around me. There were always people around, Nik, but no one is like you. No one makes me smile like you. No one warms my heart like you. No one’s presence makes me feel safe likeyours does!I love you. I love you so much that it hurts to think of you. So please don’t say that I don’t know what love is. I do.”
Nikator touched the side of her face tentatively, his thumb brushing over a stray tear. His shoulders slumped forward and he suddenly looked exhausted. “I hate to see you cry, Biyu.”
“Then come with me.Please.”
He released a weary breath. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“Nikator.” A half-sob strangled her and she pounded his chest with closed hands. Her body shook with frustrated tremors. “I don’t want to go to Sanguis without you. Can’t you see that we belong together?”
“And can’t you see that I’m trying to do the best for you?” He took her chin in his hand and studied her face with a look of longing that pulled on her heart. He drank in her image like it would be his last. “I promised myself when I left to find you that I wouldn’t be too drawn by you, that I wouldn’t touch you and make you change your mind about betraying me. But … but I couldn’t hold myself back, and I hate myself for that. I don’t want to draw out this infatuation you have with me. I love you, I always have, but you need to live your life without me. It’s breaking me to have to let you go like this, but I know that this is for the best. Please don’t make this harder.”
“What can I do to convince you otherwise? That I truly do love you and that this isn’t some stupid infatuation?”
His hands fell to his sides. “I’m sorry, Biyu. We don’t belong together.”
“Be selfish, Nikator, foronce!”
His jaw tightened. “I’m being selfish by even being here. When you betrayed me, you knew that you would lose me, so why are you trying so hard to have me now?”
“Because—” She didn’t even know what her thought process had been like, but she had known that their relationship would be ruined once she betrayed him. He was telling the truth, forsure, but the theoretical didn’t match with reality. “Because I thought I would be fine without you. But I lived out there for a week without you, and life just seemed so dull. Even though I had gotten the freedom I had wanted, I wasn’t happy with it! I realized that my happiness was withyou. Those days—those nights, especially—when we were together were some of my happiest moments. I want that again, Nik.”
“I’m sorry, Biyu. I can’t give you what you want, but I’m giving you what youneed.”
“Don’t condescend to me! I know what I need, and it’syou!”
He backed away. “I can’t go with you.”
“Nik,please.”
“I’m … I’m sorry.” He turned away, and before she could repeat herself louder—like that would be enough to convince him—he simply walked away.
She sank down to her knees, sobs wracking over her body and her heart cracking further. She loved him. Why couldn’t that be enough? Why did he not believe her?
Burying her face in her hands, she wept and wept.
Maybe this was what she deserved after all.
39
The next fewdays passed in a depressing fog. Nikator still needed to recuperate, so they stayed in the village, despite his eagerness to leave as soon as possible. Biyu kept trying to convince him that she wasn’t under some sort of spell that made her incapable of making decisions about who she wanted in her life, but he didn’t agree with her. No matter how she spun it, no matter how much she screamed and shouted, or begged and cried, he didn’t budge from his stance. He was convinced that she didn’t actually love him, that it was all because she had been imprisoned and didn’t know any better.
It infuriated her. It made her miserable. And she didn’t know what to do with herself.
She couldn’t imagine going to Sanguis and building a life from nothing by herself. That wasn’t the freedom she wanted. How would she live her life without him by her side? She had no plans to find another man and live happily ever after.
But what could she do to convince him that she truly loved him?
There was nothing, it seemed.
He did his best to avoid her, especially when they went back on the road to travel to a meeting location with Vita, who wouldthen take her to Sanguis. They rode Nikator’s horse together, but even their close proximity didn’t stir any emotional, passionate moment. It only made him more rigid, more intent on keeping the distance between them. They were approximately three days away from their destination. Three days until she would likely never see him again.
He was once again taking away her choice, but this time under the guise of loving her enough to let her go. She didn’t have a choice in the matter. He couldn’t fathom her choosing him, and if she did, it was a lie. It was her ownfoolishnessat not understanding the situation. It angered her that he couldn’t see what he was doing to her—taking her freedom of choice away. He told her that she could leave at any moment, but he wasn’t allowing her the choice to stay with him. To fight for him. To fight for their love.
