“I’ve seen him four times in the last forty-eight hours, Ma. I’m not sure what it is,” I lied. I knew exactly what it was.
“You are such a very bad liar, honey. You always were.” She smirked. “You’d pretend that you were in study group or practice, but I knew where you were. It’s where you always were – with Kenny. He is the other half to you and always has been.”
“If you say he completes me, I will walk out of here.”
“It may be a cheesy line from a movie, but… It’s still my favorite romantic comedy. You know, I’ve always been a sucker for those. Your dad, bless his heart, hated them. But he would take me to every romcom that came to the drive-in movie theatre in Benton. He completed me in every way, and I know that Kenny does you. He always has.”
I nodded. “It’s just not quite that simple.”
She laughed loudly. “That’s a choice you’re making – or maybe it’s a choice he’s making because love is that simple.”
“You are full of it today, aren’t you?” I rolled my eyes.
“Always, son.” She winked.
“Do you still miss Dad, Mom?”
“Does the sun rise and set every day? Do I wake up from my sleep and roll over every night to find his absence still a glaring reminder? Yes, hon. I do. Did you feel the same way about Kenny when you broke up?”
I nodded again. “Yeah. At least after I stopped being so mad at him. But it wasn’t just baseball and being in the closet that stopped me from dating or finding someone else – it was because there never has been anyone else. I know that. I’m not completely brainless.”
“You’ve always been much smarter than you give yourself credit for, babe. The way you looked at him last night at dinner – a mother always knows. You know he came by to say hi to me when he moved back. We didn’t talk long, but I missed him too. It’s hard when someone who’s been a part of your life for so long is suddenly not there. They’re somewhere else, doing their own thing, and it makes that distance seem greater than it even is. That’s how a mother feels when their kids move out.”
“Or moves across the country as far away as they can get?” I smirked.
“Moves to find themselves and become who they were always meant to be. I’m sorry that this is your lot in life, Jax. You worked too hard to have this happen.” She walked over and hugged me. I melted into her.
“Mom… It happens to people all the time, doesn’t it? No one deserves it – it just happens. Besides, my own arrogance is why this happened to me.” For the first time, I let the words fall from my lips. I hadn’t even admitted this to Coach or to Kenny, or even to my agent or the team doctor. But this was my mom. If anyone deserved to know the truth about me, it was her.
“What does that mean, hon?”
I took a deep breath, and she let me go. “I was trying to… I had been so close to throwing the world’s fastest pitch. Almost a dozen times, I was just a couple miles per hour behind, and that day… The wind was right, my mind was in a tight pocket of the game, and I knew… I knew that this was the time. A record that would stay with me for a long time was just one fastball away.”
“Oh, honey…” The look in her eyes almost broke me.
“So, I tried. I threw harder than I ever had, and I knew as soon as the ball left my hand that I had hurt myself. It still was under – one stupid mile per hour – and that’s why I’m in the position I’m in. It wasn’t just an accident, Mom. It was my own ego that caused this.” I sniffed loudly, trying to stem the tide of emotions.
“The higher we go, the harder we fall. Oh, baby, have you been holding onto this all by yourself?”
I nodded slowly, feeling the emotions beginning to take control. My lashes wetted with my tears, and I wiped at them with my sweater.
She hugged me again, and I buried my head into her as she stroked my curly hair. “That’s still not your fault. People – athletes try to push themselves harder and faster every day. That’s why we clock the speed of a fastball, because the sport’s world, the media, wait for that perfect pitch to be thrown. They always said that one day you would be the one to break the record. But you have to stop blaming yourself for trying. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”
“I guess… But it was a very stupid decision, Mom. And they want me to be a pitching coach? What kind of coach would I be when I couldn’t even keep myself in line to be the best I should be?”
“A smarter one. We have to make mistakes to learn from them, hon. I’m just sorry that yours is permanent. But that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be an amazing coach. Actually, I think with everything you learned from Harry, you would nurture the best high school team ever. You’re so much like him, and you always have been. Harry was more your father in some ways than your own dad was.” She let me go, and I leaned back up from her.
“Don’t say that, Mom. They’re different. But he became as much of a father to me by the time I left high school. What did you say? High school?” I scoffed. “I don’t have a teaching degree, and I don’t think that’s what I would choose to do.”
“That’s a shame. You would be great. Your own team instead of dealing with a bunch of athletes that already think they know more than you. I do listen, son. I know that you weren’t that friendly with the other pitchers. They were jealous of you.” She walked over and started tidying up her already tidy kitchen.
“They got the last laugh.” I buried it all back down where I kept those kinds of feelings.
“Did they? That choice is yours.”
“So, what do you think I should do?”
“Move back in with me and let me baby you again.” She laughed happily. “I wouldn’t hate that.”
