Calvin
Mason said we should meet at the library tonight. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. But we did actually need to study. Mason did have a mid-term next week that he had to pass, and I wasn’t sure I could tutor him with his dick in my mouth.
Besides, there would be time for everything else after we took care of his class.
Then I could take care of him.
He was sitting at our table, and I almost skipped over to him. I was so excited to see him. This is how life was supposed to be, wasn’t it? This is what feeling loved was.
I plopped down on the chair in front of him, and his face was so stoic it was shocking.
“Mason? Are you okay?” I asked, concerned that something had happened.
“I got an A on the quiz,” he was drained of color. “Can you believe it?”
“Yes, I can. You studied hard, Mason. That’s’ fuckin’ awesome, so why do you look like someone has died?” I reached out and tried to take his hand. He balled his hands into a fist.
“It’s been… a… fuck, Calvin… A hell of a day.” He looked up at me and stared right through me. “Sorry… I’m in a bit of a mood.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I offered, pulling my hands back and setting them in my lap. A chill crept over my body.
Was he already breaking up with me? What had I done?
“I, uh… told a couple of my teammates about us today.” He said quietly.
“Shit… Mason… I, oh fuck… I’m sorry.” I caught my breath, it felt like a vise in my chest, constricting me with fear.
“No…” he chuckled sadly. “It went well, actually. The twins… they are, you know cool and thought that the rest of the team would be too.”
“They weren’t…” I said, knowing that this had set him on the spiral he was now feeling, that I was now a part of. “Fucking assholes. Those jocks they… I mean, they don’t matter in the long run, Mason.”
“Huh?” he stared at me like I had two heads.
“The other football players took it badly. Figures. I’m sorry, Mason.” I leaned in. “Are you okay?”
“I didn’t tell them, Calvin.” He sighed. “You know it bothers me that you think so lowly of us. They might all be as cool as the twins think they will be. We don’t go around beating up gay guys, you know.”
“Sorry, Mason… I just… I don’t understand what it is you keep not telling me.” I said suddenly, anger rising up in my chest.
“I’m going to be starting on Saturday. Hawkins is out on academic probation until he gets his grades up. Coach said that might not even be happening, so I am now leading the team until further notice. It’s… I mean, fuck, Calvin. It’s a fucking lot of stress.” His eyes had tears clinging to his long eyelashes. He was really in a state.
“Okay… That’s scary, I get that, but isn’t it what you always wanted? This should be exciting for you, too, shouldn’t it?” I asked, feeling like there was something here that I just wasn’t getting.
“You and QB one all in twenty-four hours… It’s just a lot, Calvin. I don’t know how I can take all of this at once, how I can deal with it, you know. I’m just freaking out, and I wanted to talk to you about it. Of course, I am also freaking out about this exam next week too. It’s fucking overwhelming, and all I can think about is you.” He stared at me. “All I want, right now, is to take you in my arms, Calvin. To wrap my arms around you and protect you from all of it, but right now, I don’t feel like I can protect myself. You understand?”
“Not really.” My voice broke. “What are you saying?”
“I can’t let my team down, Calvin. I have to get us through this game and maybe, just maybe the next one and then the season. I have to concentrate on it, or I’m gonna fail. People train for this all year, and I’m getting thrown into the deep end for the first time in almost three years on Saturday. I can’t… I need a little time, Calvin. Can you give that to me?”
“Why do I feel like you’re breaking up with me? We hadn’t even become boyfriends, yet.” I put my face in my hands, doing my best to keep it together.
“Aren’t we? And I’m not breaking up with you, dumbass. I just need… I just need time, I guess. I know I told you that I was going to step out and be who I really was, but right now is not the time. Do you understand that?” His voice was heavy with emotion.
“I think what you’re trying to tell me is that I’m gonna stay your secret until the season is over. Is that it?” I ask, understanding dawning on me. My face becoming a mask as I pondered what that life would be like. It was a life I had already lived and almost died of.
“I hate when you say it like that, Calvin. I just… I don’t know when. Okay? But you know how I feel. Don’t you?” He kept his hands where they were and looked down at them.
It was happening. He was pulling away, just like Eric did when school started up again. He would meet me after his practice and make love to me when no one could see, while no one knew, and I would let him. He would break me with his sweet words at night and his awkward glances during the day. The starter of the football team would never hold my hand in public. He would never kiss me just because he was happy as we sat underneath the stars. He wouldn’t meet my parents or my friends, or come to my birthday party as anything more than someone I knew.
