She patted my knee and stood from the couch.
“It’s been really great meeting you both. I’ll see you in a couple of days. I’ll see myself out.”
Then she strode to the door and left us. It was at that moment that I looked down and realised Cill was still holding my hand. He was holding my hand and brushing his thumb over my knuckles, and I hadn’t flinched. I hadn’t felt the overwhelming urge to push him away.
Little steps.
There wasno quick fix to my life. I knew that better than anyone. I hadn’t realised how difficult it would be to try to say one word though. One simple word. It just wouldn’t come, no matter how hard I tried.
A week passed, and we saw Angela four more times in that week, but I still hadn’t managed to complete her task. I’d tried. Lord knows, I’d tried.
My first attempt was in the garden, all alone with nature. I thought it’d be the obvious place to say my first word in months. The plants and flowers would be my only audience; them and the birds in the trees. Turns out I couldn’t perform for any audience, whether they were animal, vegetable, or mineral. I visualised it. Hell, I visualised the crap out of it, but it was no use. It was like my brain knew what to do but my body wouldn’t comply. I felt broken.
I didn’t give up though. Maybe I was taking the wrong avenue. Using the wrong kind of stimulus. So I traded the garden for the sea, spending hour upon hour wading out into the middle of the water, hoping the sound of the waves would coax my words along. My lips moved, and my breath fell out like it’d been trapped for years and was finally tumbling free, but sound? No. That shit stayed locked up.
I sat in my room for long periods, thinking about it. Wondering why I found it so difficult. Who was I staying silent for? And who did I want to speak for? The answer was simple once I thought about it. I didn’t need to be silent, not now. And me… that was who I wanted to speak for. I wanted this recovery for me.
Cill was being as patient as ever. Not pushing me to do anything I didn’t want to, but giving me gentle encouragement. Waking up each morning was made better by his presence, making me different healthy breakfasts, checking I’d taken my medication, and being there to watch over me.
I’d noticed him a few times at the windows as I gave a silent scream in the sea, rubbing his hands over his stubbly jaw and balling his fists. He was taking this journey with me. He really was in this one hundred percent. Knowing I was hurting him though, made it harder. I hadn’t had any passengers on my journey so far, and it was hard to accept help, especially when it came so freely from him, with no regard for his own well-being. He had to be missing his family, his friends. Yet, he never gave any indication that he was getting fed up with me, or that he wanted to leave. On the occasions I had heard him on the phone, talking to his friends back home about our situation, he always spoke with nothing but hope. Hope and admiration for what we were doing. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to repay him for his kindness.
My final break-throughcame on day eight, after I’d endured a particularly nasty nightmare. A flashback that would’ve usually sent me spiralling out of control, but not this time. This time it had the opposite effect. I wasn’t going to be chained to their wickedly evil sins forever. I had to fight back.
“You knowshit’s only gonna get worse for you, dog, if you don’t start talking and tell us where he is,” Scarface hissed in my ear. The warmth of his breath on my neck made me recoil in disgust.
We were in the stables again. The brothers seemed different though; less organised. Maybe they were getting bored of keeping me?
“I don’t think he even cares that she’s gone. I think she’s lost her uses now she’s older.” The shorter one stood in the corner looking bored and tapping away on the screen of his mobile phone. He couldn’t even be bothered to join in.
“He’s probably biding his time. He always was a slippery fucker. Bet he thinks he can get one over on us. But he’ll get a fucking wake-up call when he does show up.”
I let them carry on debating my ‘uses’. My only focus was on the open door at the other side of the barn. That, and weighing up the proximity of the brothers against a possible escape. Could I make a run for it?
“We’ve got all the time in the world to coax him out of the rock he’s hiding under. We’ve waited long enough, brother.” Scarface stood up and strolled over to where his brother stood. I didn’t stop to think, didn’t stop to take a breath. Without a second’s hesitation, I scrambled to my feet and darted for the door. This was my chance. My chance at freedom.
I felt the air around me move as the brothers shot into action behind me. I didn’t let it deter me though. I had to do something, anything to save myself.
I ran out, barefoot into the gardens, not caring if I stepped on something jagged or rough. It didn’t matter; I couldn’t even feel my feet. The adrenaline pumping through my veins made me feel like a machine. I was honed and ready to strike out.
I could see the glow of the lights from the main house at the top of the gardens. I wasn’t going to run in that direction. So I turned towards the darkness, where an expanse of woodland lay behind the stables. I had no idea what lay beyond them, all I knew was that anything was better than staying here. I’d take my chances in the darkness of the trees over what lay behind me any day.
I could hear the brothers’ shouts, but I was still nimble enough to crouch down and scurry along the woodland floor. The trees were an excellent camouflage. I was thin enough to hide behind each one as I ran from trunk to trunk, grappling at the roughness and using every inch of my body to propel myself forward. The taste of freedom was sweet, and yet I needed more. I had to get as far away as I could.
I was panting and gasping for breath, but I didn’t slow down. My most basic instinct was on full alert, the instinct to survive no matter what the cost. The shouts became more distant, and I wondered… no hoped, that they were giving up on me. I should’ve realised hope was a futile wish, a fool’s dream where I was concerned.
I came to the edge of the wooded area to be greeted with my worst fear. Barbed wire fencing, looming over me, mocking my futile escape attempt. It looked to be at least eight feet tall. I started to sprint along the perimeter of the fence, praying I’d find an opening or a gate I could slip through. All I had was blind panic and racing thoughts. They consumed me as I ran. I didn’t even notice the animal trap until it was too late. The medieval-looking contraption clamped down on my ankle, making me cry out in pain and fall limply to the floor. No wonder they’d slowed down their chase. They knew I had no escape. They knew what awaited me at the end of this race.
“Looks like I won,” I heard the shorter of the two brothers say, chuckling. “I told you it’d be the animal trap.”
“And there I was hoping the electric fence would fry her brains out,” Scarface said with zero emotion in his voice.
I hung my head in shame, feeling totally and utterly defeated.
“You think you can run from us? D’you really think it’s gonna be that easy, dog? You’re gonna fucking regret this.”
I dared not look their way. I couldn’t bring myself to lift my eyes in their direction. If I had, I would’ve seen the baseball bat they’d brought with them. I might’ve been able to protect my head from the blows that ensued.
“Next time you think about doing a runner…”
