As she spoke, my brain refused to co-operate. My ears chose to switch the voices around me into white noise. Phasing her out, I began to focus on other sounds I could hear. The clink of the coffee cups as they drank. Vee pottering around upstairs, cleaning rooms that were already spotless. Then… the radio.
The song playing made my stomach freefall and my mouth go dry. The feeling of a billion insects burrowing under my skin made me want to scratch my way out of my own body. That song hurtled me back to the last time I’d heard it playing in the background, like a fucked-up backing track to my life. When all I could hear was that song, as I tried to drown out every single thing that was happening.
“I fucking love Linkin Park.Nothing gets me ready for fucking shit up like their tunes, man.” He cackled like the devil he was as he sang along to Crawling. His scarred, ugly features grinning like he’d stumbled into a goldmine.
Why were they here again? Why did they come for me every day? What had I done to make them want to torture me like this?
The brothers strolled into the stables, today’s weapons of choice grasped tightly in their hands. I don’t know why they needed the tools. What they did with their bodies was enough. They were sick, twisted fucks.
“Jesus, you look like shit,” the taller one said as he kicked me on the floor. Then he grabbed my hair and dragged me into the last stable, right to the back, and threw me onto the hay bale.
“Ready to talk yet, bitch?” He spat in my face as he yelled, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of reacting. They could do what they wanted with my body. They’d never destroy my mind.
“Where the fuck is he?” the smaller one piped up, leaning over his brother’s shoulder and leering down at me. “If you talk now, this shit might get better for you. We might actually let you enjoy it.” They both laughed, but I stayed firm, ‘fuck you’ resonating through my mind.
“Fine. Have it your way. We quite like making you scream.”
“No, brother. Remember the deal? She’s not gonna scream this time,” the taller one said, smirking as they exchanged knowing looks.
What the fuck were they planning to do to me now?
The taller one undid the belt around his trousers and laughed as he flipped me onto my front and looped the belt around my neck. Oh, shit. Were they gonna kill me? Hang me from the rafters in here?
“When we’re finished with you, you’re gonna pray you never wake up.”
I closed my eyes and focused on the radio on the windowsill. The words of the song were like a soundtrack to my life. The sick sound track to everything right now. The coldness as they tore at my clothes. The fear as they grabbed and pulled, twisted and pinned me. The darkness as they tightened the belt. The pain. Dear God, the pain. Then nothing.
“Wednesday. Wednesday, can you hear us?”
I jolted back to the here and now to find Angela crouched down in front of me and Cill squeezing my hand, shaking it like he was shaking me awake. I was gasping for air. My chest felt like it had a hundred elephants sitting on it; it was so heavy it was stifling me. I couldn’t breathe.
“Where the fuck did you go?” Cill looked beside himself.
I gulped in air and shook my head. I was getting dizzy with the lack of oxygen.
“It doesn’t matter where she went,” Angela sighed. “It’s important that she relives these moments.”
“Not if she freaks out like this it’s not. How the fuck is this supposed to help?” Cill was getting angrier by the second, his face growing so red I could see the veins pulsing at his temples.
“It might not look that way now, but trust me. Change will come. It’ll be slow, so slow you don’t realise it’s happening, but it will. One day, when we’ve had a good many sessions, you’ll look back and see it clearly. You’ll see how far you’ve come. Both of you. Every journey, no matter how painful, has to start with one step, and we’ve made that step today.”
Cill huffed, but her words had a calming effect on him, on both of us. We wanted to have faith in her.
“I understand if you don’t believe me now, I do. But I have enough faith for all of us to know we will get through this, together.”
Angela sat back onto the couch opposite and explained that she was going to schedule our meetings for at least three times a week to start off. She gave us a quick rundown of how she would help me, and what we could expect. Although, she did make it clear that my case was somewhat unique, and her techniques would rely on how I responded to treatment. There was no ‘one size fits all’ approach to dealing with someone like me, apparently.
“No shit,” Cill bit back. “So what you’re actually saying is you have no clue how to treat her?”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Surprisingly, Angela didn’t look offended by Cill’s outburst. “Although there’s been extensive research into mutism in childhood, in adulthood it’s a different ball game entirely. The research there is limited; a work in progress you might say. If you factor in the trauma she’s obviously been through then we’re going to have to take a more tailored approach for her. This will be therapy to suit her needs.” She glanced at me and smiled warmly. “A special program for a special lady.”
She fished a card out of her neat little handbag and dropped it onto the coffee table.
“That’s my number. Ring me any time of the day or night if you need me. Even if it’s just to talk. I’m here. We’re a team now. We work through this together.”
She threaded her fingers together and rested her hands in her lap.
“Wednesday, these sessions aren’t just to get you talking again. That is a part of it, but it’s not the be all and end all. Healing and peace is what we’re striving for. That being said, I’d like to leave you with a task, a little homework if you like. I want you to try and say a word. More if you’re feeling brave, but one will do. Now, I’m not saying you need to do this in front of anyone else. Take yourself off somewhere private, the garden or beach, maybe the bathroom, but somewhere you feel comfortable. Then practise. Concentrate on the word and practise saying it for yourself. Imagine yourself talking. Focus it in your mind. Then maybe start by mouthing it, using your lips, then your breath. Build it up. If you struggle, don’t panic. We’ll discuss that in our next session. All I ask is that you try, okay?”
