I can count on one hand the number of times my sister has been truly, genuinely angry, and it has never been at me. For her to say those things to me... I know she meant it. It wasn’t the heat of the moment. It was honesty. I fucked up too badly this time, and I’m completely lost on how to make amends.
“More coffee?” Ben, one of our busboys, asks, pulling me from my thoughts. He’s eyeing me warily, which is understandable. I’d look like a mess even without my blood-stained clothes.
I know it’s bad whenBenis offering to get me something. Ben barely does the job he gets paid for. Him going out of his way to help me is completely out of character. He must really feel sorry for me.
“Uh, no. No, I’m fine. Thank you.” I clear my throat and pass my halfway-empty mug to him. I blink several times when my vision begins to double. What is happening to me?
“You sure, bro?” he asks. “You’re not looking too hot.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. “Thanks, Ben. I’m fine. Just... go do your actual job, yeah?”
Ben raises his hands in defense. “Fine, bro, fine. Calm down. I’m going.” He shoves his dish bin under his arm and backs away. I watch him leave with barely concealed disdain. I’m too tired to deal with his bullshit today. I can barely deal with his bullshit on aregularday, let alone when it feels like my entire world is crashing down around me.
I try to backtrack and figure out when everything went so horribly wrong. The only conclusion I can reach is my decision to sleep with Darcy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it. Not even in the slightest. It was amazing. But it seems like it set off adomino effect to lead me right here, sitting in this uncomfortable chair at a sticky table, absolutely loathing myself.
If I was smart, I’d leave entirely. I’d walk away and never come back. It’s always worked before, at least. When something goes wrong, I run away from it. I let it fix itself while I hide in the distance and pretend I was never at fault. And it eats at me, slowly and steadily, until I feel sick to my stomach. But at least that way, my acidic nature won’t spread to anyone else. No one else will get burned by how fucked up I am. And it’s easier that way. Maybe people will feel hurt for a little while, but they’re better off in the long run. They’re better off without me.
Maybe that’s why I’m so alone. I can whine and complain and wish that someone really gave a fuck but at the end of the day, I’m a victim of my own actions. I made the bed for myself. I pushed away everyone who ever got close enough to see inside of me. I fought and bickered my way into isolation. And I got what I wanted. I got solitude. And it’s worse than I ever could have imagined.
My eyes begin to droop shut. I snap them back open and blink several times, rubbing them vigorously. The exhaustion is setting in, but I won’t let it. Not now. Maybe not ever. Maybe I’ll force myself to stay on my feet until my legs give out entirely. Maybe then, someone will actually pretend to give a shit about what happens to me.
I feel like I’m in high school all over again. Like I’m sitting alone in a bathroom stall during lunch because I neglected my real friends for ones that couldn’t have cared less about me, and I ended up without a soul in the world to call my friend.
But maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Maybe I’m supposed to be a solitary creature doomed to a life of loneliness and self-reflection. Maybe this is my fate, a punishment for every mistake I’ve ever made.
If it is, I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t think I can live like this anymore. It’s like the walls are closing in around me. I’m being suffocated. My lungs are empty, my heart is pounding, my chest is aching. I think I’m dying. Slowly and steadily, I’m dying. And I have to feel every miserable second of it until my heart mercifully stops.
But it doesn’t. It doesn’t stop. It never stops. And that’s the worst part. The pain doesn’t end. It keeps going, forever and ever and ever. Until there’s nothing left of me but misery.
“Darcy, stop! Stop running away!”
I’m jolted from my thoughts by the sound of a man’s screams of desperation. Somewhat in a daze, I look around, halfway thinking that I imagined the voice. But then I see them, Darcy and a man I would recognize anywhere—Milo. She’s practically running away from him, and he’s hot on her trail.
Without even thinking, I jump into action. I run after them, but by the time I catch up, Darcy has already disappeared through the front doors. Luckily, however, I manage to catch Milo just in the nick of time. I grab him by his collar and yank him back, tackling him to the floor.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he cries out. “What are you—” His eyes lock on me, and I see them harden. “Cody,” he says. “Are you serious? Are you really doing this right now?”
I stop just short of laughing right in his face. “Am Idoingthis right now? Yeah, Milo, I’m fuckingdoingit. What the hell is wrong with you? You show up here and harass her after everything you’ve done?”
Milo gapes at me, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I might see a hint of fear on his face. That makes me happy. Very,veryhappy.
“I don’t know what she’s told you, but?—”
“No, we’re not doing that.” I yank him up just hard enough to give him a good fright, and then I toss him back to the floor.“Don’t bother spewing any bullshit lies about how you didn’t do anything. We both knowexactlywhat you did ‘cause it’s what you’ve been doing your whole miserable life. I never liked you with Darcy, but you swore you’d changed, so I kept my mouth shut. And what’d you do? You broke her fucking heart, Milo. I ought to break your face for that.”
“Oh, please,” Milo spits in my face. “As ifyou’reany better. How many girls’ hearts did you break back in the day, huh? More than me. That’s for fucking sure. You were the guy who didn’t stick around. The fuck up. At leastImade something of my life. What’d you do? You’re making minimum fucking wage teaching rich people how to ski.”
I feel anger begin to blur my eyesight, but I fight it. Anger won’t make this any better. I think of Darcy. I think of how upset she’d be if she knew I made things worse for her. I have to remain calm. For her sake.
“I never claimed to be any better than you, Milo. And you’re right. As much as you don’t deserve a girl like Darcy, neither do I. But at least I know when to quit. You’re fucking done, man. She doesn’t want anything to do with you. So stop making a fool of yourself. Leave while you still have some dignity.”
Milo’s face drops ever so slightly.
“And do what? Go home without her? Move on with my life?”
“Yeah,” I say simply. “That’s exactly what you do.”
“Yeah, right!” he exclaims. “You used to know her, Cody. You liked her all that time in high school, and I know you never manned up and went for her, but I know you also know why I can’t just forget about her. She’s fucking… She’s everything. And without her, I’m…”
