“I don’t know!” I throw my hands in the air. “It just happened, okay? And I didn’t mean for it to because now I just feel like shit and?—”
“Okay, okay, just breathe,” Maya tries to ease my worries, but I can tell she’s just as freaked out as me, if not even more. “We’ll figure this out.” I see the cogs turning in her brain. “So, you like each other. Or are at least attracted to each other—which, gross, by the way—so, why do you feel like shit? There’s nothing wrong with liking Darcy. She’s the best.”
“Yeah, I know. I know that.” I groan. “And that’s exactly the problem! She’s fucking amazing, but I can’t think about her like that, Maya. There was only supposed to be one amazing girl in my life and that was Claudia. Is Claudia. Sleeping with Darcy feels like… like…”
“Like cheating on Claudia?” Maya offers, her voice uncharacteristically soft.
I swallow thickly. “Yeah. That.” The energy seeps from my body. It’s as though I’ve been completely drained of everything. I collapse onto the couch next to Maya and heave a large sigh. “I don’t know why I’m like this. Darcy made it pretty clear last night that she just wanted something casual, a one-time-only thing. But that’s not how it feels. It feels like I just completely abandoned my morals and gave up everything that matters for one night of fun.”
Maya watches me for a moment, then exhales and screws her eyes shut, massaging her temples. “Seven a.m. is a bit early for me to help you through a crisis, Cody. God. I don’t—” She takesa deep breath and looks at me once more. “I can tell you that you did nothing wrong, but I know you won’t believe me. So I’ll just say this: having feelings for another girl doesn’t mean that you’re cheating on Claudia. She’s gone. And she would want you to be happy, as happy as you made her when she was still here. She wouldn’t want you to rot away, consumed by grief and self-pity. And this isn’t just any random girl, Cody. This is Darcy. She’s been with us through everything. She’s our family, even if you two like to pretend like that isn’t the case. Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel and I know she’ll understand. She’s not out to get you, dude. She just doesn’t want to be abandoned again.”
Too late for that.
“I just… I need time to think.” I stand up, expertly avoiding eye contact with my sister. “I’m gonna drive into town. I’ll be back tonight.”
I hear Maya stand up behind me.
“You can’t run from this, Cody. You can run from everything else, but you can’t fucking run from this. It’ll only make it worse.”
How do I tell her that things with my life are already as bad as they could possibly be? That merely waking up every morning is the biggest disappointment of my day?
“I’m not running,” I lie. “I’m just thinking. I’ll be back later.”
CHAPTER 15
DARCY
When I wake up, the first thing I notice is how uncomfortably cold the bed is. No body heat has warmed the sheets for a long time. I hate that I’m immediately struck with the realization that I’m alone. Cody left me alone.
I try not to overreact.
He just went to the bathroom.
He’s in the shower.
He went to get breakfast.
But when I find the room empty and sit, wondering and waiting, for an hour, I know that’s just not true. He’s gone. He left without so much as a note to explain where he went.
The feeling is all too familiar. I can’t count how many times I would wake up after being pressured into sleeping together, just to find Milo had disappeared sometime in the night. My own fiancé, treating me like a one-night stand.
I thought Cody was different. Hell, I thought the two of them weren’t evencomparable. But I guess what they say is true. Deep down, all men are the same. They want one thing and once they get it, you’re useless to them.At first, that was all I wanted fromhim too, but things changed. Or they changed for me. But I guess they didn’t for him.
But Cody?Cody? He was supposed to be the exception. Or maybe I was supposed to be the exception. All I know is that it wasn’t meant to end up like this.
I mean, it’s Cody for God’s sake. Cody, who carried Band-Aids in his pockets when we were kids because Maya was always falling off of the monkey bars at recess. Cody, who knew every word to Maya’s and my teen pop hits CD as a kid because we would put on ridiculous concerts for him. Cody, who wouldn’t kill a fly until he was thirteen because he wasso surethat they had families who would miss them if they died.
Is it possible that that sweet, empathic kid really did turn into a stone-cold man?
Oh, God.
Is it possible that I’m just being dramatic about this whole thing?
Probably.
There’s only one person I can call to talk through this with. I know that. And I hate that it’s true because the last thing I want to do is drag Maya into the middle of this, between her best friend and her big brother. There’s no winner here. Just a bunch of sad losers.
I debate back and forth. It’s not fair to her to call. I shouldn’t involve her. It’s not her problem that I’m in this situation. It’s my own issue and I need to deal with it myself. But I haven’t dealt with anything without the help of Maya since elementary school. She’s been there for everything, from getting my period to my parents’ divorce to losing my virginity. I wouldn’t even know where to begin to solve this without her. Anytime I’ve been lost, Maya hasalwaysbeen able to guide me back to safety. So I really have no choice. I need help. I need my best friend. So I pick up the phone and call her.
