No surprise, she answers almost immediately.
“Hey, babe.”
I can tell from her voice that she knows exactly where I am, exactly what happened, and exactly where Cody is. I feel sick to my stomach that she heard the news from him. Or anyone but me. This was my mistake. I should have been the one to tell her. I should have admitted that my feelings for Cody were changing days ago.
But on the other hand, the thought of Cody sneaking out of his room to gossip with his little sister about last night is even more nauseating in and of itself. Howhumiliating. He couldn’t talk to me about it. He went to her. He probably told her I manipulated him into it. Maybe that I got us drunk. Or that I wanted a quick rebound fuck.
The possibilities are endless and get increasingly worse the more I think about them.
“He told you?” I ask. I’m alarmed by how choked my voice sounds, like a hand is wrapped tightly around my throat. Like Cody’s hand is wrapped around my throat.
“Yes,” Maya replies simply, but I can hear the undertone in her voice. The discomfort. The accusation. The pure, unbridled disgust.
Or maybe I’m just paranoid. Who’s to say, really?
“You’re disappointed,” I say, and I’ve never felt more ashamed in my life. Her brother. Of all people, herbrother?! Why did I do it? Why do I set myself up for failure?
Nice going, Darcy. In one night, you managed to lose both of your childhood best friends. That must be a new record.
“No. Of course I’m not disappointed, Darcy. Sad, yes. Worried, sure. But not disappointed. I mean, this is you and Cody, the only two people I know who can’t help but get themselves into trouble. It really shouldn’t be surprising that this happened.”
I’m momentarily relieved that she isn’t mad, but then her words fully sink in.
It really shouldn’t be surprising that this happened.
“Is it surprising he went completely MIA and left me alone without even saying goodbye?” I snap in a moment of blinding anger. I can feel my temper creeping up and getting the best of me. I should stop it, but it feels better to be angry than sad. I like angry. Angry feels powerful.
Maya is quiet for a moment. “No. No, that’s not surprising either. But before you get mad, D?—”
The last bit of sanity I have left splinters into a million pieces. I feel my face go red with rage and my hands tremble with pulsing disbelief.
“Oh, I’m already mad, Maya. But please, go ahead. Defend your brother. Tell me about his shitty year. Tell me that he’s just a man and this is what men do. Give him an excuse to do it again and again with no consequences—not even a measly slap on the wrist. Explain to me exactly why I woke up alone in his bed.”
“Darcy, please try to understand,” Maya begs with an undeniable layer of exhaustion in her voice. Normally, it would be enough to make me back off, but not today. I don’t think anything could ease my anger today. “I’m not justifying what he did, I’m just trying to tell you why. It wasn’t you, babe. It was just… Claudia, she?—”
Claudia. Ofcourseit has to do with Claudia. Because everyone has a Claudia. Or a Milo. Everyone has that figure that looms over their life like a damn shadow, blocking out any good thing that could possibly happen to them.
“No, don’t even try the ex-fiancée card with me, Maya. You know better than that. I have an ex-fiancé. It’s not an excuse to be a dick.”
“It’s not the same thing at all, though?—”
“How is it not?!” I exclaim. “Heartbreak is heartbreak. And it’s not a justification to hurt someone else.”
Maya doesn’t say anything else and for the first time in my life, it feels like she’s not on my side anymore. Cody and I forced her into the middle and made her pick. She picked him, fair and square.
“Just try not to jump to conclusions, alright?” Maya finally breaks her silence. “You don’t know everything about what’s going on, and I can’t tell you. It’s not my place, evenifyou’re my best friend.”
“Right,” I say. “Because I might be your best friend, but he’s your brother. He wins.”
Maya takes a sharp breath. “Darcy, you know that’s not true. Don’t make it like that. When have I ever made you anything but my top priority?”
“Right now!” I cry, hurt and defeated. “You’re doing it right fucking now! God, thissucks, Maya.”
“I know it does, babe. But I need you to remember that it really isn’t what you think. Okay? Iswear.It’s not what you think it is. Just give Cody a few hours. He’ll find his way back. He always does.”
The problem is, I’m not sure that I want him to. Cody saw me in the kind of vulnerable light that only two men before him have. What if he was repulsed? What if he didn’t like it? What if he didn’t likeme? I don’t think I can ever look him in the eye again. I’m sad and mortified and angry and just downright tired. This was the worst decision I’ve made in a very long time, probably since I decided to marry Milo.
I’ve got to stop believing boys when they tell me they’re men. They aren’t. They never are. Honestly, I don’t think a real man actually exists. I think the world is filled with little immature boys pretending to be grown-ups. How pathetic that is.
