“Dad—” Is all I can manage to choke out as another tear rolls down my cheek. Frustrated, I wipe it away.
I have to get it together.Knox needs me and I can’t stop crying.
“Kacey, honey, I’m so sorry. What can I do? Do you want me to come there?” He sounds tired but wide awake, I doubt he’s slept at all.
“No, don’t come. He’s in the ICU, no one can come back here. I just— I . . .” He listens as I cry for a few seconds, then collect myself enough to continue. “I don’t know how to do this. I can’t breathe.” My breaths start to get shallow, and I know I’m slipping into a panic attack.
“Kacey, listen to me. Breathe in . . . hold it.” He waits seven seconds before having me release the breath. He repeats this with me several times until my breathing levels out. “Is it the hospital? I know you struggle with them.”
“It’s more than that, Dad. Knox is . . . it’s really bad. He’s so pale, swollen, and there is a tube down his throat. What if he never wakes up?” I cry into the phone, saying the thought that has haunted me all night out loud. “I want to be here for him, but I don’t know if I can do this. Sit by and watchagain.”
“What do you mean again?”
“Like Mom—I saw it all, and I don’t think I can do it again. But I love him so much. I need him to wake up so I can tell him, but I don't know if I can do this.”
“Your—” Dad sucks in a breath. “Kacey, you watched? Your mom?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “I think they kind of forgot I was there. They were trying to help her, and I was okay.”
“Oh, god . . . Kacey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. Why have you never told me?” I hear him sniffle, and I know he’s crying.
“You were sad, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Then, the years went by, and I just wanted to forget. But I can’t and now I’m here and I don’t know what to do.” I sob into the phone, wishing he was here to hug me and help me through this.
It takes him a minute to respond, the shock of my admission still processing. After a beat, he clears his throat and collects himself. “I’m sorry I never knew. I want to talk to you about this someday, but for right now, let’s focus on Knox. The doctors said he’s stable, right?” His voice is steady and calm.
“Yes.”
“That’s good. He’s young and healthy, physically fit. His body is going to fight for him. He’s as tough as they come. The doctors are doing everything they can and you’re there with him. That’s what he needs more than anything—you love him, and I know he loves you. We have to believe he’ll wake up. He has so much to live for, and he knows that. The little bit I’ve gotten to know him; he isn’t a man who gives up easily. I believe he’ll be okay, and more than anything, I believe in you, Kacey. You’re the strongest person I know. You can do this.”
“Even if he makes it through this, what is going to keep it from happening again?”
“Nothing. You don’t know if or how badly he’ll get hurt in the future. Do you want him to quit?”
“No, of course not. I can’t ask him to quit. Bull riding is part of who he is. I just don’t know if I could handle anything like this happening again.”
“Bug, that is the question you are going to have to dig deep to answer for yourself. At some point, we are all faced with choices and our decisions will affect the rest of our lives. Choosing to marry your mom ended with the deepest heartbreak of my life. But it also gave me my greatest gift—her love—and my greatest joy, you. Even knowing how it would all end, I would choose the same road again just for the honor of loving her and the joy of being your dad.”
Tears pour down my face.
“You need to consider what life will look like with and without Knox in it. Is the risk worth the reward? Does your love outweigh your fear of losing him?”
I close my eyes, letting his words sink in. We’ve only been together for a few months, but when I see my future, I can’t picture it without him. He’s brought me back to life. He’s my best friend, my safe place, my home,my choice. “He said nothing in this world could stop him from being with me, and I believe him. Our love outweighs anything else.”
“It sounds like you’ve found your answer, Bug. It won’t be easy but focus on this moment and what you both need to make it to tomorrow. And then the next day. Everything is going to be okay.”
Knox is still in danger, but my dad is right. I have to believe he’ll be okay, and we will get our future together.
“Thanks, Dad. You’re always there for me. You’re right: he’s strong, he’ll get through this.We’llget through this.”
For the next thirty-six hours, I don’t leave Knox’s side. Jessie befriends all the nurses, bringing them snacks, and sharing war stories. She is an ER nurse, not ICU, but they all speak the same language. They end up letting me stay the next night as well. He’s still in the induced coma but last night’s scan showed the swelling has gone down.
Trey has just left the hospital to go ride again. He and Jessie seemed to have come to some kind of truce and put all their focus on being there for Knox and me. His mom is flying in tomorrow morning. I have been keeping her informed with any updates, and she’s trying to get here as quickly as she can. This wasn’t exactly how I pictured meeting his mother, but she’s been kind on the phone. I can tell she loves her son, and she’s glad I’m here with him.
They told me he can’t hear me, but I’ve been talking to him anyway. Maybe it’s for my own peace of mind. I know he’s far from being out of the woods, the doctor said that Knox waking up after lowering the medication is going to be our biggest indicator of his likelihood of recovery. We still don’t know if there will be any lasting damage. They did another scan a few minutes ago and, depending on the results, they’d like to wean him off the medication today.
“Hi, sweetie. How’s our cowboy today?” The nurse who originally brought me back to Knox’s room is back on duty today. I learned her name is Melissa, she has two kids about my age, and you can tell she’s a mother through and through. She’s taken me under her wing, checking on not only Knox, butme as well. She brought me protein shakes when I couldn’t eat and tea to calm my nerves. Even when her shift was over, she came and sat with me, asking about Knox and me. Surprisingly, talking to her about how we met, and his bull riding felt good. Her kindness kept me sane during those first few hours.
“Hi, Melissa. He’s still tough as nails.” This makes her chuckle as she reviews his chart. “They just did another scan a few minutes ago, and the doctor is supposed to come by soon with the results. The scan last night showed the swelling was down some.”
