“That’s just teenage hormones. It’s not—I can’t. I can’t do this with you. I’m sorry.”
He couldn’t. If he took this any further with Fabian, he would never forgive himself. More than that, Ryan would never recover from it. He was excited about being friends with Fabian, but he would give it all up rather than risk smothering him. He wanted Fabian too much to just have casual sex with him. He wasn’t much for casual sex anyway, but he absolutely couldn’t have a one-night stand with Fabian Salah. Ryan knew there were plenty of people who would happily fool around with an attractive friend while waiting for a rainstorm to pass by, but he wasn’t one of them. Having sex with Fabian—even kissing Fabian again—would mean too much to Ryan. Much more than it would to Fabian.
“Can I have my coat?”
“Of course,” Fabian said. His voice was clipped and angry. He stepped away from Ryan and grabbed his coat off the hook by the door. He thrust it at him. “Here.”
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said again. He didn’t know what else to say.
Fabian held up a hand. “I get it. I feel like an idiot, but I get it.”
“You aren’t—” Oh god, there were tears in Fabian’s eyes.
“Goodbye, Ryan.”
Ryan wanted to pull him into a hug. He wanted to kiss his hair and tell him how much he wished he could justdo thislike a regular person. He wanted to tell himeverything, and hold him until the rain stopped falling and beyond.
This whole evening should never have happened. The kindest thing he could do was leave.
So he left.
Chapter Thirteen
Goddammit.
God fuckingdammit.
Stupid fucking hockey players and their stupid fuckingeverything.
The more Fabian replayed the events of the previous evening in his head, the more he could not believe any of it had happened. None of it made sense. Not Fabian basically throwing himself at a hockey player. Not Ryan being so obviously—openly—attracted to him, and kissing him every bit as sweetly and tenderly as Fabian had always imagined, and then...not. It was like a switch had been flipped inside Ryan and no one else could possibly have flipped it besides Fabian; he’d been the only one there.
What had he done?
Nothing. That’s what he kept telling himself. He hadn’t done a damn thing except be open and honest about his feelings for Ryan. He’d even told him about the teenage crush he’d had on him, for fuck’s sake, which would have been embarrassing enough without Ryan flat out rejecting him.
No. If it had been a flat-out rejection, Fabian could have understood it. If Fabian had leaned in for a kiss, and Ryan had pulled away and told him that he just wasn’t interested. If Ryan hadn’t said such beautiful words about Fabian’s courage...
You don’t want this. Trust me.
Oh, fuck you, Ryan Price.
Fabian couldn’t possibly work on his music like this. His head was everywhere. He texted Vanessa.Are you at work?
Vanessa: Not for another hour.
Fabian: Coffee?
Vanessa: Uh-oh.
Fabian: Yeah. Meet me in ten?
Vanessa: k
Fabian hadmoods. He could admit it. And Vanessa knew if Fabian was asking for an emergency coffee meeting, then he was probably going to be agitated and unpleasant. But she was also the one person who was any good at talking him through these moods.
Nine minutes later he was in line at a Starbucks that was halfway between his apartment and Vanessa’s work. He ordered a coffee for himself and a latte for Vanessa. She walked in just as he was bringing them to a table.
“Trouble in hockey town?” she asked.
