When he pulled back, Ryan kept his eyes closed and said, “Please don’t.”
“You don’t want to?” The scepticism was strong in Fabian’s voice.
“I do. I—youknowI do. But you don’t want this. Trust me.” He opened his eyes, and saw Fabian’s affronted expression.
“If I didn’t want this, I wouldn’t be doing it.”
Ryan shook his head. “I’m not—”
“Unless the rest of that sentence isinterested in you, then I don’t want to hear it. I want to kiss you, Ryan Price. I wanted to kiss youthen, and I want to kiss you now. May I?”
Ryan’s mouth fell open. “You wanted to kiss methen? Like, when we were teenagers?”
“You seem surprised.”
“Yeah, I’m surprised.”
Fabian flopped onto his back and draped an arm over his eyes. “Ryan. I had a huge teenage crush on you, okay? I’d rather not dwell on it, because it’s embarrassing, but yes. I wanted to kiss your adorable mouth when I was seventeen. If I had thought there was even a chance you would have been into that, I would have done it.”
Ryan sat up. “What?”
“I didn’t think you were gay, Ryan. Of course I didn’t.”
“I would have kissed you.”
“Well, yes. I do realize thatnow.”
“I wanted to kiss you. Do you remember—”
Fabian lifted his arm enough to peek out from under it. “The ferry. Yes. I’ve replayed that moment a few times over the years. So it was real, was it?”
Ryan nodded. “It was real.”
Fabian covered his eyes again. “Damn. That would have been one hell of a first kiss.”
Ryan wanted to walk into Lake Ontario. He could havekissed him. It would have been Ryan’s first time kissing a boy. Instead it had been a dude he’d met online when his junior team had traveled to Victoriaville the following season.
“Well, no sense crying about it now,” Fabian said. He rolled off the bed, onto his feet, and grabbed the wine bottle. “But I still don’t see why we can’t make up for lost time a little right now.” He splashed more wine into Ryan’s glass, even though Ryan had barely drank any, and handed it to him. Ryan took a large gulp.
“Maybe this isn’t obvious,” Ryan said after swallowing, “but I’m a fucking mess.”
Fabian rolled his eyes. “God, who isn’t?”
Ryan shook his head. He was torn between unloading his entire laundry list of flaws on Fabian right now, or shutting the fuck up and kissing Fabian senseless.
Or leaving. Which is exactly what he was going to do. Right now.
He stood and set his wine glass on the desk. “I’m gonna head out.”
“It’s still raining.” Was Fabianpouting?
“I’m waterproof.”
Fabian stepped into his space, crowding him against the desk. “I don’t understand.”
Ryan closed his eyes, because he couldn’t possibly say what he needed to if every sense was full of Fabian. “I’m no good for you. It’s nice of you to—”
“Don’t. You’re not a fucking charity case, Ryan. Iwantyou. Did you already forget the part about wanting to kiss you since I was seventeen?”
