“What happened?”
“I hated it,” Fabian said simply. “I realized, very quickly, that it was not what I wanted to do, musically. I just didn’t...fit in.”
“Oh.”
“Now, I realize I could have stayed, and done my own music on the side. But it’s very time-consuming, being a part of something that big. That important. It’s the big leagues, right?”
“Thank you for dumbing it down for me,” Ryan said dryly.
Fabian smiled. “Anyway. I quit. It wasn’t an easy decision, and I knew I was torching a very important bridge by doing so, but I’ve never regretted it. Not even when I am restocking lip balm at the drugstore, or when I am freezing to death in this drafty, shitty apartment. Because this,” he waved a hand around, “is all me. I’d rather struggle to do what I love than devote myself to something I hate.”
This was a lot for Ryan to take in.
“So, yes. Maybe it was absurd of me to throw away a job that so many musicians would kill for, but wouldn’t it be more selfish of me to stay? I figured I should let someone else have that seat.” He shrugged. “That’s what I tell myself anyway.”
“That actually makes a lot of sense,” Ryan said slowly.
“And the other thing,” Fabian sat up, and stabbed his wine glass in Ryan’s direction, “is that someone else mightwantthat symphony spot, or a spot on an NHL team, but guess what? They didn’t get it. And they didn’t get it because they aren’t good enough.We are.But being good enough does not obligate us to take those jobs. It’s okay to use your talent to create happiness rather than wealth. It’s okay to not use your talent at all! Fuck anyone who says otherwise.”
Ryan grinned at him. “You should be a therapist. Or a motivational speaker.”
Fabian snorted, and set his wine glass on his nightstand. “No thank you. My wisdom is for myself, and a select few people who I care about. Same as my makeup skills.”
Ryan liked Fabian including him in the select few people he cared about, even if inadvertently. “You don’t share your makeup skills?”
Fabian dropped onto an elbow, his face suddenly very close to Ryan’s. “I’d share them withyou.”
“Me?” Ryan sputtered. “I’d look ridiculous in makeup.”
Fabian shook his head. “Not whenI’mdone with you.” His gaze dropped to Ryan’s mouth, and Ryan wondered if he was trying to decide what shade of lipstick would work best on him. He hoped so, because he couldn’t think about the other reason Fabian might be studying his lips.
“I wouldn’t look like you,” Ryan said hoarsely.
“Have you ever felt beautiful, Ryan?” Was Fabian’s face even closer now?
“No.” Ryan laughed as if the question were ridiculous. “Of course not. Look at me.”
“I am looking at you.” Fabian reached out and tucked a strand of Ryan’s hair behind his ear. “You don’t think you’re beautiful?”
“I—” Ryan could only imagine what the two of them, side by side, must look like right now. The stark difference between Fabian’s staggering beauty and Ryan’s old weathered barn of a body.
Fabian was stroking his hair freely now, his fingertips gliding over Ryan’s scalp, then down his cheek into his beard. Ryan wasn’t sure when he’d closed his eyes, but when he opened them, Fabian was looking at him like he was something precious.
“Tell me again,” Fabian said softly. “About the men you like.”
Oh god.“I should go.”
“It’s pouring out there. Can’t you hear it?”
No. I can’t hear anything over my blood pounding in my ears.
“Stay. Tell me. Please.”
Ryan shuddered when Fabian’s fingers traced over his lips. There was no question where this was going now, and he knew he should stop it, but instead he told Fabian what he wanted to know.
“Beautiful, confident men. Men who go against everything we’re taught to believe about masculinity in locker rooms. Men who aren’t afraid to be themselves.” He swallowed, and wished he could stop himself. “Men who aren’t afraid to walk away from their dream job if it’s making them miserable.”
That seemed to be all the invitation Fabian needed. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Ryan’s, a sweet and gentle kiss that Ryan was too stunned to return. For a second, at least, and then he was kissing Fabian back. His lips were so soft and lovely, and Ryan allowed himself a moment to savor them before he forced himself to stop.
