“Why are you being like this? You know what my job is. You knew who I was when we got together.”
Fabian swallowed the lump in his throat. “Yes, I did know. I knew exactly how sweet and wonderful you are.”
Ryan’s shoulders slumped, and his voice got quiet. “I don’t know why you do that. You seem to think I’m better than I actually am. I can’t be the person you have in your head.”
“Youarethe person I have in my head. In myheart.” Fabian was crying now. Damn it. “That’s why I can’t watch you hurt yourself. Or anyone else.”
One of Ryan’s giant hands landed on Fabian’s shoulder. Hands that would be used to punch someone later that week, no doubt. “I’m sorry.”
It wasn’t what Fabian wanted to hear. He could tell it was the kind of apology that meantI’m sorry I can’t be better, notI’m sorry, I’ll try to do better.If Fabian stayed, nothing would change. Walking out the door right now might break his heart, but not as much as watching Ryan destroying himself would.
“I can’t do this,” he said in a tiny voice. “I thought I could, but I can’t. You’re right, I don’t understand.” He let out a shuddering breath. “I just don’t. I never will.”
“Don’t.” Ryan was crying now too, which Fabian couldn’t stand to see. He turned toward the door. “Please.”
Fabian turned back. He really wanted to wrap Ryan in his arms and tell him he was sorry. That he would stay. That he could overlook everything and be his boyfriend. But he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
So he said, “Take care of yourself, Ryan Price.” And then he left.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The next two weeks were total misery for Ryan.
The flights, which would have been difficult anyway without Wyatt, were absolutely harrowing. It was all Ryan could do to force himself to board each plane. When he was on board, he sat alone near the back and hyperventilated. By the third flight, he asked the team doctor to give him something extra to help him calm down. The pills didn’t cure his anxiety, but they made him drowsy and downgraded his panic to a manageable level.
Despite what he had promised Fabian during their fight, Ryan could feel himself developing a dependence on drugs. He was in so much pain all the time, and the relief that came from a Toradol shot was heady. The pills he took after the game helped keep the excruciation of the aftermath of playing with an injury to a minimum.
He’d also started asking for sleeping pills. Every second he wasn’t focused on his back pain, he was overcome by the agony of his shattered heart.
The hardest part was knowing that Fabian had been absolutely right. Every word had been the truth. And because of that, Ryan knew he shouldn’t try to contact him. Just as Ryan had always believed, Fabian deserved so much better than him.
He knew Fabian was playing shows. He knew his album release show was coming up next week, but Ryan wouldn’t dare go. The best thing either of them could do was forget this entire stupid relationship.
Like all NHL teams, the Guardians had a week off either before or after the NHL All-Star weekend. This year the Guardians had theirs the week before. Ryan tried not to think about how wonderful it would have been to spend it with Fabian. Instead, he holed up in his apartment and focused on healing his back.
On Wednesday, Ryan was woken by a phone call from Wyatt.
“Hey, Pricey. How’s vacation?”
“It’s okay. Quiet.” Ryan’s head felt a little thick. He’d taken a sleeping pill late last night and the effects hadn’t quite worn off.
“I’m just calling because I wanted you to hear this from a friend before you heard it somewhere else.”
Ryan blinked. “Did you get traded again?”
“No. It’s about Duncan Harvey.”
“Harvey? What about him?”
He heard Wyatt exhale and then say, “He died. They found him yesterday. At home. It looks like suicide by overdose.”
Ryan sat up. “What?”
“I know. It’s awful. It’ll be all over the news today.”
Ryan was stunned. He didn’t know what to say. “Is there a funeral?”
“No details yet, but I imagine it will be in his hometown. He’s an Ontario farmboy, but I forget the town. I’m in the Bahamas with Lisa right now, otherwise I’d try to go.”
