“Right, and you know my mind is full of screwed-up pathways, so sometimes I say things before I remember not to.”
He dropped his hand, his eyes still boring into mine. “I’ve never noticed you do it before.”
“Or maybe you have, but because you were from my past, it was a memory you had, too, and you didn’t think anything of it. Since the doctors explained it to me when I was sixteen, I’ve learned to do a better job of not blurting things out. Let me tell you, the first few years of high school were rough. Lately I’ve noticed that after I have a seizure, I have a hard time holding it back too.”
He blew out a breath and let his hand trail up and down my back. “I can’t tell you how much I wished I hadn’t had to leave you there and go to college. I suspected you’d struggle without me there as a buffer.”
I nodded and bit my lower lip, my gaze searching the dark, frothy water for an answer to all my problems. “That was the reason I stripped down to my underwear and waded into the water off your parents’ dock. I couldn’t take it anymore. Being at school—hell, being anywhere—without you was too hard.”
His hand slid down my arm and slipped into mine, squeezing gently. “What happened?”
I pushed myself up and walked toward the shore, trailing my foot through the surf. The shock of the cold water reminded me of that night. “I was way past the red buoy.” My arms were out at my sides as though I were balancing in the water on my tiptoes.
“At my parents’ house on the lake?”
“Yeah, you know how Theo always said we couldn’t go past the buoy. I just remember wondering what it would be like under the water. Would it be peaceful? Would it be tumultuous? Would the waves toss me around and send me onto shore or out into the vast emptiness? By then I was starting to shiver from the cold. It was only May, and the water was frigid. I could barely touch the bottom of the lake with the tips of my toes, and my chin was barely above the water.” I tipped my head up to stare at the sky. “I was watching the moon and the stars, knowing soon that the drop-off was coming, and I could go under the waves. There would be peace soon, one way or the other.”
“What happened, Honey?” He tugged me against the length of him, my back to his chest and his hands on my shoulders. He buried his nose in the top of my head and waited for me to finish the story.
“I noticed lights flashing, and then I heard Theo bellowing from the dock. He was screaming like a man possessed. It turned out Theo found the note long before I ever expected him to. He hauled me out of the water, and Birgitte had already called an ambulance. They checked me into the hospital that night. They told you it was for hypothermia from falling into the lake, but—”
“But it was for a psych evaluation,” he finished, his lips against my temple. “I can’t believe I didn’t see this. I was with you the weekend before it happened.”
I didn’t spin around or try to comfort him. I was too lost in my memories. “I didn’t want you to know. I begged your parents not to tell you. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me for buckling under the pressure when you were under far more than I ever was.”
He held me against him and kissed my temple again. “Your brain wasn’t the same as mine, though,” he said quietly. “Was that part of the reason?”
I chuckled softly, and the wind carried it across the water like the song of a summer bird. “It was the reason it happened. The doctors eventually figured out that I had some serious issues stemming from my childhood, both emotionally and physically. Once I was being treated for all of them more cohesively, I was able to succeed in high school, but it wasn’t without effort. If it hadn’t been for your parents, I’d be dead. You sure as hell know my parents would never have found that note in time. Even if they had, they never would have sought treatment for me.”
He wrapped his arms around my waist and rocked me, his lips against my cheek. “I won’t let on that I know, but I’m extremely grateful they found you. I already carry guilt about college, and now I know why. I wasn’t the reason, but I was the catalyst.”
I lifted my face to his, the position awkward but intimate at the same time. “You weren’t at fault, Mathias. You were two years older than me. I knew you were going to graduate and go to college before I did. I wanted you to stay, but more than anything, I wanted you to go and make new friends. Friends who weren’t constantly depending on you to protect them. Friends who could stimulate you intellectually. Friends who might take you away from me, but who would show you so much more about the world than I ever could.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, beautiful,” he whispered. “Those friends were shallow and fickle. They were gone the moment the going got tough. You’re the only one who ever stayed by my side all these years.” His lips lowered to mine, and he kissed me, but I couldn’t kiss him back. “Honey?”
He took my face in his hands, and I could see and hear him, but I couldn’t make my lips move. I couldn’t make anything move. I was trapped inside myself again. My fingers were twitching, and my mouth was hanging open even though I ordered it to close. He held me, his arms around me gently with one hand pressing my head into his chest while his other held my arm.
“It’s okay. Let it pass,” Mathias soothed me, his voice tender with a heavy dose of scared. “We’ll get through this, just don’t give up on me.” He kissed the top of my head several times. “Don’t fight against it. Let it pass, and I’ll take you home,” he promised, his words keeping me calm until the seizure faded and I could move again. “Are you back?” he asked. “Your hand is still tweaking.”
I sucked in air and coughed once, my head starting to pound. “I’m back,” I whispered. “Head hurts.”
He wrapped his arm around me and half carried me back to the log where our shoes were. “I’m going to get you home.” He strapped my sandals on my feet and slipped his on next. “Just trust me,” he soothed, helping me up the berm and onto the road.
“I’ve always trusted you with my life, Mathias,” I whispered, my head pounding. I pressed my forehead into his chest to try and relieve the pain.
“Just not with your heart,” he murmured.
“Can you blame me?” I asked, my eyes nearly closed as he guided me back toward home.
“No,” he whispered on a heavy sigh. “No, I can’t blame you, but I can try to make up for all the things I’ve done wrong by doing the right things now.”
I wanted to ask him what the right things were, but my head convinced my heart it was better not to know.
CHAPTER 10
I plodded down the stairs and took a deep breath when my toes touched the icy wooden planks. It was early, too early to be up, in my opinion, but the scent of coffee was too enticing to ignore. I found Mathias in the kitchen, sipping from a cup and leaning against the table while staring out the window into the still-dark morning. He had the light on over the stove, so the room was bathed in a soft glow.
“Hey.” I stopped by one mismatched chair and grasped the top of it. “You’re up early.”
