“That day when I left work, it was the first time I found flowers from Dax on my car. It was then that I knew how serious he was about his threats—he had left me a message at my place of work. There was a note in the bouquet; it was crude, but basically he told me that he knew who you guys were, and that I was acting suspicious. He threatened me that if I told you guys, he’d kill you and share me with his crew.”
The guys cursed and shifted on the couch. I could see it was taking them everything in their power to just sit still and not jump up angry.
“While I was freaking out about the flowers and what to do and how to tell you guys…Nico called. He told me you guys had been shot and that I needed to hurry home. So I did…and then you told me that it was Dax that shot you guys.” My voice choked up as tears welled in my eyes. I quickly tried to brush them away, but they fell down my face, anyway.
“I was so scared, I jumped at everything. I barely slept. I kept agonizing over when or how to tell you guys, but every time I tried, you guys were busy with the club and I just…thought it might be better—safer—to keep my mouth closed.” I looked down at the pillow, watching my fingers card through the tassels, unable to meet their eyes.
“Maya.” My name came out as a whisper on Jason’s lips.
I felt my face scrunch up as I fought the tears. I took a shaky breath and Nico handed me a bottle of water. Opening it, I tooka quick sip. “After you guys were shot,” I glanced at Marcos and Jason quickly, “I tried everything I could to get you guys to stay home with me. You said you had too much going on at the club, especially because of the shooting, so you had to go.” I paused as more tears fell down my face. “I couldn’t stay home alone. I was crawling out of my skin. I was worried sick that something was going to happen. I couldn’t be here anymore…not alone. So I called Karma to see if her and Arturo were having people over and sure enough, they were.
“A million thoughts went through my head. All I remember is thinking that I was going to get fucked up that night. I wanted to forget it all, so I ordered the rideshare. Yeah…I probably should have drove and spent the night, but I wasn’t thinking rationally at that point. The stress and fear had torn at me all week.” I shook my head and wiped away my tears.
“Mi Vida,” Marcos murmured.
I gave him a shaky smile as his hand landed on my knee as well.
Jason stood up and sat on the coffee table in front of me. I was surrounded by my guys, and while it helped ease some of the pain, I knew it was only going to get worse as I continued. “The disappointment on all your faces that night killed me. Walking into this room and seeing the three of you lined up waiting, knowing I broke one our rules—not even that I broke a rule—it was that I put myself in danger…and I knew it. That drive home, it was all I could think about.” I shook my head and took another sip of water.
The three of them waited silently, respecting my wishes to not interrupt, though I knew how much they wanted to. “The next day, when I woke up and saw that you guys weren’t here and then the note…I knew I fucked up. I was so anxious, I couldn’t eat that day. My anxiety was through the roof. I was so scared that I ruined everything between us and was still kicking myselffor not telling you guys about Dax.” I took a shuddering breath as more tears poured down my face. “I was shaky when we started the scene. I should have told you that I hadn’t eaten yet, but I couldn’t. There was a lot I should have told you before then, but I didn’t know how to speak up at that point. My anxiety was killing me.”
“Jesus Christ, Mi Vida,” Marcos swore.
I couldn’t meet his gaze. I kept my hands on the pillow tassels, pulling and straightening them, smoothing them out. Anything I could do to keep my fingers busy while my mind freaked the fuck out. “So yeah, then we had the scene.”
“Fucking hell, Little Dreamer.” Nico groaned.
I took another sip of water, the paper wrapping fraying like my nerves and will to continue.
“Keep going Darlin’. Tell us the rest,” Jason said, his voice low and full of gravel.
I swallowed thickly. “I did mostly OK through it. Even with the drug use and being tied up outside…I was OK with it…until I wasn’t…”
“What was the tipping point?” Marcos voice was low and rough, but his hand squeezed my knee.
A sob broke out of me. My chest felt heavy as I tried to contain it, stifle it. I took another sip of my water and Jason handed me a tissue. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my breathing. “During the scene, you said ‘maybe we need to reevaluate our relationship? Maybe it’s time to renegotiate things? Because this isn’t working on our end’.” I can’t look at him, even as I hear his intake of breath.
Another sob tore out of me and I let it. I curled up and buried my face in my knees and hugged them. I felt Nico’s hand rub down my back, but he didn’t say anything.
“Reevaluate and renegotiate. Red,” Marcos murmured, sounding dazed.
“Fucking hell,” Jason groaned.
“Little Dreamer.” Nico’s voice was almost a whine. I could hear the emotion in his voice, his own heartbreak over everything that happened.
I forced myself to calm down though, to uncurl my body. I wasn’t done. We weren’t done. We had so much more to discuss and we desperately needed to. It was time for it all to be all out in the open. Past time. Calming my breathing, I wiped my eyes before I took a sip of my almost empty water bottle.
Jason stood up abruptly and headed to the kitchen while I gathered myself. I glanced up at Marcos to find him staring at the table in a daze. I squeezed his fingers on my knee and he turned to me, looking haunted.
“I was so heartbroken. I thought you were breaking up with me. I should have used my safe word. I should have stopped the scene so we could have talked it out right then and there, but I was so scared that if I did anything you didn’t want that night, that I would lose you forever.” I took a shuddering breath.
Marcos watched me with wide eyes.
Jason sat back down on the table in front of me and opened a new water bottle before he handed it over.
Nico’s hand on my other knee was a solid comfort. He was watching me with a pained look on his face. I hated that we were all being torn apart right now, but God damn did we need to do this. We could never move forward, otherwise.
I stared at the pillow again. “After the scene, I must have gone into shock and the hypothermia set in…the next morning when I woke up alone, I was so upset. I didn’t know what to think, not after what you said. You had texted me ‘duty calls’ and you were at the club. You guys left me alone while I was dealing with post hypothermic symptoms. I could have died.” The words came choked out on a sob and I quickly cleared my throat to stop it as the tears poured down my face. “I could barely move; I wasso dehydrated. I was barely functioning. I ended up getting sick—dry heaving—all I remember was needing to get to my bag. I needed IV fluids or to call 911.”
