‘I’m afraid that’s all we can do,’ said thedoctor.
‘Fuck!’ said Dan. He rose to his feet again. Fear enveloped his whole body, it all felt too much to cope with. ‘I thought we had more time. She can’t die.Notyet.’
The doctor stood up, meeting him at his level ‘She’s in the best possible place,’ he said. ‘And we’re doing everythingwecan.’
‘To make her more comfortable?’ Dan replied. He knew he sounded harsh, but he couldn’t seem to help himself. ‘Yes,yousaid.’
No doubt having gone through this numerous times, with God knows how many other patients and their families, Dan could see in his expression that the man understood his pain. He felt guilty; he told himself that he had no right to take his feelings out on anyone else. But no amount of understanding helped any. He still feltoverwhelmed.
‘We have everything she needs both physically and emotionally,’ the doctor continued. ‘Spiritually too, if she chooses.’ He put a hand on Dan’s arm. ‘As do you. We’re not just here for your mum, you know. We have a fantastic support system in place for familymembers.’
Dan shrugged off the doctor’s words. He didn’t care about himself. As far as he was concerned, it was his mother’s wellbeing that mattered, not his own. ‘I don’t know what to say to her,’ he said. His voice caught in his throat. ‘I don’t know what to dotohelp.’
‘Just being at your mum’s side is enough,’ said Jill. ‘We’ll dotherest.’
Dan nodded. He took another deep breath and reminded himself that he had to be strong for his mother’s sake, if nothisown.
‘Would you like to seehernow?’
‘Please.’
He turned to the doctor and shook his hand once more. ‘Thank you,’hesaid.
‘No problem. And if you have any questions at all, just give me a shout. I’ll be around heresomewhere.’
‘I will,’ Danreplied.
As he watched him head off towards another part of the building, Dan doubted he’d be seeking him out any time soon. In his view, the man had already answered the biggest questionofall.
Jill indicated that they head down the hall and he followed her towards his mother’s room before pausing at the door to try and pull himselftogether.
‘You ready?’ Jillasked.
‘No,’ said Dan. ‘Notreally.’
He watched her tap on the door regardless, before opening it and popping her head inside. ‘You have a visitor, Gerry,’ she said. She gave him an encouraging smile as she made way for Dan toenter.
‘Dan,’ said his mum, as if surprised to see him. ‘What are youdoinghere?’
‘What kind of questions is that?’ he asked. As hard as it felt, he did his best to sound equally ascheery.
After making his way over to her bedside, Dan looked around as he pulled up a chair. The room appeared typical of those found in any hospital facility, except the floor was carpeted instead of being laid with industrial type vinyl. He spotted the door to an en-suite bathroom and there was a television on a cabinet at the foot of her bed, remote control included. She had one of those tables on wheels so she could even have her meals in bed if shewantedto.
Finally, his eyes fell on the syringe driver lying next to her and, despite it scaring the hell out of him, he did his best not to react. A job easier said than done and he knew by the way his mother quickly hid it under her blanket that fear had automatically registered onhisface.
‘This could have waited, you know,’ she said. ‘I don’t plan on going anywheretonight.’
Leant against her pillows, she looked so small and frail, nothing like the strong individual she’d always been. Dan felt his heart go out to her, but while he continued to wish, more than anything, that he could trade places, he knew he had to keep his emotions incheck.
‘I should hope not,’ hereplied.
She smiled, but underneath the façade, Dan could see in her eyes that she was hurting emotionally as well as physically; that she knew as much as he did that time had never been moreprecious.
‘I don’t suppose you rang to cancel either?’shesaid.
Dan shook his head. ‘Let’s just say I had more important things onmymind.’
‘Oh, Dan.’ His mum took his hand in hers, at the same time giving it a squeeze. ‘What are we going to dowithyou?’
