I made it to the ranch in record time and thanked the driving gods I hadn’t gotten stopped for speeding. The moment I pulled onto the ranch, I was able to breathe easier. I knew what was coming would be intense and emotional. But even still, hearing Juanpablo, taking in the sights and scents that had become so familiar over the past couple of months, eased something within me.
I was a corporate guy through and through. Most of my adult life had been cities and suits. I’d loved it. I never would have thought that this, country living and fresh air, horse and leather and manure, would be the thing to bring me comfort.
I headed straight for the training barn, past all the other structures, only slowing to wave at the window on the big house as was my habit. When I pulled into my regular spot and hopped out, Russ was leaning against the barn door. He was as grizzledand expressionless as always, but when he crossed his arms, I braced myself for a lecture.
“Ya goin’ ta fix it?” He asked gruffly, no preamble.
“I’m certainly going to try,” I answered honestly.
He studied me for a moment, nodded once, pushed off with a slight groan, and ambled away. He looked a little stiff, but the more he walked, the easier his gait became. I watched him for a moment, heading toward the other barns, then took a breath and headed inside.
Hawk wasn’t in the arena or in the stall area either. Ramona was in her stall, munching on her breakfast, but she took a break so I could rub her forehead and kiss her nose. After that, she was done with me and went back to her grain. I was pleased she’d given me those few moments, since one thing I’d learned about my horse, and most horses in general, was there was no coming between them and food.
I checked the wash bay and the tack room just in case, though I didn’t expect to see him in either place, then headed through to the outdoor arena. There was a horse out there, playing with the big ball, kicking it around then picking it up in their teeth and throwing it, only to chase after it. I still had trouble telling some of them apart, because their coloring was so similar. But this horse was part thoroughbred, so I knew it was Lara. I’d been concerned the first time I saw her since I could see her ribs, but Tommy, who had been nearby at the time, explained that’s how thoroughbreds were built.
Still not having located Hawk, I went back inside and straight to his office. It was the last place I knew to look. If he was out on the property somewhere, I’d have no hope of locating him. As I took the stairs, I decided if he wasn’t up there, I’d find one of the two-ways, or someone carrying one, and track him down that way.
But I was in luck. He was sitting at his desk, Gemma and Mal listening as he went over something. They all froze as I appeared. Mal immediately pushed himself off the couch and left without a word, but Gemma turned her chair to face her brother. She raised her brows, Hawk sighed, and Gemma stood. She half pushed the chair in my direction, a tacit offer to sit, pointed at Hawk, and then left.
I didn’t sit. I wasn’t sure I was welcome. But if we had to have this conversation with me standing the whole time, I was fine with that.
“You’ve been ignoring me,” I began softly, doing my best not to make it an accusation. In that moment, I realized I was hurt by his actions. That he would ignore me completely stabbed at my insides. But I also understood why, so I did my best not to let it show.
“Yeah.” His voice was quiet and he kept his gaze focused on his nearly empty desk rather than looking at me. “I’m sorry about that. I should have at least said I wasn’t ready to talk.”
And just like that, the hurt was gone. I could hear the remorse in his tone and it was all I needed. Cautiously, I took a few steps closer but when Hawk went stiff, I stopped. I leaned a hip against the corner of his desk.
“Thanks.” I inhaled deeply and let it out through my nose slowly. “I don’t want to force a conversation if you’re not ready to talk yet. But, baby, I can’t stand this distance between us. I don’t want it to linger and fester. Will you letmetalk? Will you listen?”
Hawk, still not looking at me, chewed the inside of his lip, then scrubbed his hands over his face. It took him a minute, and though my guts were twisting with impatience, I fell back on my long practice of keeping my expression neutral so as not to sway him. This had to be his choice.
“Yeah, okay,” he murmured eventually.
The knot of tension in my stomach released. “Thank you. I want to first apologize. I in no way think that you are incapable of handling yourself. Nor do I think I have the right to interfere with the running of any business on this ranch. If I made you think that for even a second, I’m sorry.”
He glanced at me, and I saw from his pinched expression that he heard what I hadn’t said yet. I tried for a smile and he averted his gaze.
“But I’m not sorry for my actions, not entirely.” I had to be honest even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. If this was the thing that tore us apart, well, I’d have to find a way to be okay with that. “As I said the other day, I will always stand between you and the world. If something can hurt you, I’m going to do my damnedest not to let it. You’re in my heart, Hawk. That means I take care of and protect you.”
He sucked in a sharp breath, gaze bouncing to me and away again, and crossed his arms over his chest. I set my hands on the desk, leaning in without invading his space.
“And I’d want you to do the same. I’m just as capable as handling my shit, but if you’re mine and I’m yours, I’d want you to step in if you thought you were protecting me.” My lips quirked, but it was a sad sort of smile. Given his closed off body language, I didn’t think he agreed.
Neither of us said anything for a long moment. That tension tightened again. I had to get the whole of my thought process out before it snapped and I broke.
“You accused me of being a bulldozer. You were being playful at the time, but as I said then, it’s not inaccurate. And,” I took a breath, preparing to be vulnerable in a way I never thought I would have to. “It’s cost me relationships in the past. I’ve had a chance to reflect and I see it now. Some men in the past think I’m too much. Smothering. I’ve never seen it that way. I want to take care of my partner. I want to be taken care of in return. Andsometimes that means giving them what they need, even if they don’t think they do. Sometimes it means standing in front of them and taking the hit so they don’t have to suffer. If you don’t—”
The words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t be the one to say it. When I first met him, I thought that we’d be at odds the entirety of our working relationship. He was smug and opinionated. I didn’t know shit about horses and always seemed to say the wrong thing. But now it was different. We’d learned to understand each other, or so I thought, and were getting to know one another's history to get what made each of us tick.
“I don’t know that I can change those feelings,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. “I’m old and I know who I am. This is ingrained in me in a way I can’t change. Truthfully, I don’t want to change. Not about this. Caring for my partner is deep in my soul and makes me happy. So.”
I shrugged and stepped back. He still wouldn’t look at me. As far as apologies went, it wasn’t the greatest. But I’d explained myself. I’d told him where I was coming from, how I viewed things, and that was all I could do. He’d have to decide what he was going to do with the information. How he felt about it.
The silence stretched for another few minutes. I tried to let it be, let him think and decide what he was going to say. And I could practically see his mind working. His brows were crunched together and he tapped out a staccato rhythm with his fingers against his elbow.
I couldn’t take the tension. He clearly wasn’t ready to talk, wasn’t going to add anything to the conversation, and I had to be okay with that. But at the same time, I couldn’t just stand here with my stomach in knots and wait. I had to give him the space he’d asked for.
“When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. All you have to do is say the word. I’ll come running.” I didn’t add that I would waitas long as it took. That felt like too much, which was strange considering I’d laid everything else out. But hearts and minds were funny things, and I couldn’t make myself say it.
