‘He’s got to be here somewhere.’ Drew whispered the words under his breath, as his eyes darted from side to side, desperately hoping for a glimpse of that golden blond hair. He ran along all the stalls on the far side of the land where the fundraiser was taking place, but there was no sign of Teddie. Looking across to where Eden had gone, on the other side of the field, he could see her gesticulating wildly, as Meg and Eve attempted to comfort her. It was clear she hadn’t been able to find Teddie either.
Doubling back on himself, Drew scanned the stalls again. Trying not to let the worst-case scenario overwhelm him. What if Teddie had somehow got out of the gate and onto the road? There was a volunteer collecting donations on the gate, so it didn’t seem likely, but what if they’d turned their back for a few seconds, just like Karen had? Maybe Teddie had tried to follow his grandfather. If he’d got out on to the road… Drew shook his head, trying to dislodge the terrifying image that was threatening to take up space there.
‘Come on, Teddie, show me where you are.’ Drew tried to think about where he could possibly be and then it came to him. Benji had insisted on walking behind the stalls when he’d asked Drew to take him around the fair, so that he could see ‘everything’ as he’d put it. One of the stalls had a carnival-style game, where you could throw balls at a target to win, or attempt to loop a small hoop over other prizes. Behind the stall, there’d been two plastic boxes, one with some extra balls in it, and one with some colourful bean bags, which clearly weren’t being used for any of the games on offer. Drew’s fingers had given an involuntary twitch at the sight of the bean bags. He’d imagined the feel of them in his hands, their weightiness and the sensation of the beans moving beneath the material. He’d been given a juggling game as a child, which had consisted of three bean bags and he’d loved the way it had felt to hold them in his hands. If Teddie had seen the brightly coloured balls, or had picked up one of the bean bags, maybe he’d had the same reaction, that same desire to hold them in his hands. As Drew darted between the stalls again, he prayed he was right, because with every second that Teddie was missing, the chances of something bad happening was increasing.
As he reached the back of the carnival stall, his heart sank. There was no sign of Teddie and Drew was finding it hard to swallow. He was so tiny and so vulnerable, and Eden loved him with a force that was impossible to convey. This was killing her, and it felt as if it was killing Drew too. This couldn’t be happening, Teddie needed his mum, and she needed Teddie even more, but it was as if he’d disappeared off the face of the earth. Drew blinked, unable to hold back the tears that had been filling his eyes, his throat burning at the thought of how scared the little boy must be. Then he saw it – a flash of colour in the corner of his eye. He turned his head sharply and Teddie crawled out from the back of the stall, a yellow ball in one hand and a red bean bag in the other.
‘Oh my God, Teddie, you’re okay.’ Drew wasn’t sure how the little boy would react to him scooping him up, but he couldn’t stop himself. It didn’t matter if he screamed at the top of his lungs, because he’d be safe in Drew’s arms. Holding Teddie tightly, as if his whole life depended on it, Drew breathed out, and the little boy hugged him back, burrowing his face into Drew’s shoulder.
‘You’re okay, darling, you’re okay.’ Drew was crying hard now, from sheer relief and the realisation of just how much Teddie meant to him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever called anyone darling, but it was the term of endearment his mother had used with him when he was small, before Flora died and everything changed. The swell of love he felt as he held the little boy in his arms made it feel like the only thing he could say.
Still holding Teddie tightly, Drew turned and ran back between the gap in the stalls, just as an announcement came over the sound system about Teddie being lost, audible gasps sounding from the people around him, at the prospect of a lost child. Drew couldn’t stop, he couldn’t explain to the worried people in the crowd that it was all going to be okay, because he had to get to Eden.
‘I’ve got him! Teddie’s okay, he’s here and he’s okay.’ He ran towards her, calling out, and then she looked up and started running too, tears streaming down her face.
‘Oh Teddie, oh thank God, Teddie! Teddie.’ She took him out of Drew’s arms, kissing his head repeatedly and saying his name over and over again. Finally she looked up at Drew. ‘I don’t know how to thank you, he’s everything to me and I don’t know what I would have done if?—’
A sob choked her words, and Drew broke the habit of a lifetime and didn’t stop to second-guess whether what he was about to do was the right thing or not. Wrapping his arms around them both, as Eden continued to sob, he held them tight, whispering assurances that it was going to be okay now. He was vaguely aware of people watching them and of other people clamouring to comfort Eden, including her mother, but she didn’t move away from him. Instead she leant in closer, as if she didn’t want him to let her go. So he didn’t. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to let her go, and the thought should have terrified him, because he’d never wanted to care this much about someone again. Not after what had happened to his mother and Flora. But if his work had taught him anything, it was that there were things in life that no one could control and, much to his surprise, this time he didn’t even want to try.
15
For the first week after the fundraiser, Eden kept having nightmares that Teddie had gone missing again, but in those scenarios, he was never found safe and well. She’d dreamt about him being dragged into the sea by a wave, and knocked off his feet by a speeding vehicle. Each time she’d wake herself up screaming, and clawing at the sheets, sweat pouring off her as she fought to save her son. It would take her a few moments to realise that it wasn’t real, relief flooding her body and her ragged, panicked breathing eventually slowing down again. She had to creep into Teddie’s room each time, to check that he really was in his bed, safe and well. Eden would lay a hand against his chest, checking the rhythm of his breathing, in a way she hadn’t done since he was a baby. She’d been scared of something terrible happening to him back then, too. After he was born she’d suddenly realised she had complete responsibility for another person and that it was her job to keep Teddie alive, and to make sure he was happy and healthy, and she’d been really worried that she wasn’t up to the job.
Eden had been terrified and it had been made worse by the fact that she had felt so very alone. If she hadn’t already known that her relationship with Jesse was doomed, the way she felt after Teddie was born would have told her all she needed to know about their future. Their relationship should never have happened. Jesse had come into her life at a time when Karen had finally stopped needing to be rescued, and Eden hadn’t been sure what her purpose was any more. When Jesse had shown up needing the kind of help and support Eden was so used to giving it had created a perfect storm, making it feel like love, when in reality it had only ever been co-dependence.
Covering up for Jesse’s shortcomings had felt like second nature to Eden, because it was all she’d ever known. If she hadn’t had Teddie, there was still a good chance she’d have stayed with him even longer than she had. Jesse had made her feel useful and wanted, but something changed when Teddie came along because he was all that mattered. Putting him first had been like breathing in and out, and every bit as natural. Jesse’s days as a feature in her life had been numbered from that moment onwards, and every time he’d put his own needs and desires above their son’s, Eden had pulled away from him a little bit more. In the end, she had completely detached from him, long before she’d finally left.
The fact that Drew had taken charge of the situation when Teddie had gone missing was just one more thing that set him apart. Her mother had been desperate to find him too, Eden didn’t doubt that, but she’d still wasted precious time and energy in the wake of his disappearance on trying to make sure she couldn’t be blamed. She probably hadn’t even been aware she was doing it, but a lifetime of making excuses was hard to undo. If Jesse had been there, he’d have been assigning blame to anyone but himself too, and she couldn’t imagine him swinging into action with the pace that Drew had. She was almost certain that Jesse wouldn’t have found their son as quickly either, because he didn’t know or understand him the way Drew did.
Perhaps all of that explained why the only time the panic inside her had completely subsided since the fundraiser was when she and Teddie were with Drew. It felt like where they were supposed to be, the three of them all together. Yet in a way that was scary too, because she still didn’t know how things between her and Drew would turn out, she only knew how she wanted them to. They’d kissed again, several times, which had proven the strength of her attraction towards him, but they hadn’t gone beyond that, and they hadn’t spoken about how to define what was going on between them. It felt like the start of a relationship that had the potential to become something serious, but she was worried that labelling it might be too much too soon for Drew, and the last thing she wanted was to make him feel uncomfortable. He’d had relationships before, but none of them had lasted long and he’d told her that he’d come to terms with the fact that he might be on his own forever. It was obvious he enjoyed spending time with her and Teddie, as much as they enjoyed being with him, but that didn’t mean he was looking for some kind of happy ever after, and she wasn’t even sure he believed in it.
She was trying to go with the flow, but that wasn’t easy for Eden. Living with so much uncertainty growing up had made her crave something solid. One of the things that had attracted her to Jesse had been his undisguised desire for them to be completely committed to one another right from the beginning. At the start of their relationship she’d felt certain that he loved her and wanted to be with her; he’d left her in no doubt of that with the things he’d said and done. It was only later that she’d learned what it really was – love bombing was what psychologists called it. Jesse had showered her with affection and compliments to move the relationship on far more quickly than it should have done and to suck her in to a co-dependency that almost made her forget who she was on her own. Combining the love bombing with his difficult past, and Eden’s desire to fix things, had been a lethal combination.
All of that meant she was trying to see the slow pace of things between her and Drew as a good thing. They weren’t making each other any promises, or making declarations of love far too early on in their relationship, but not knowing where this was going was new territory for Eden, and she couldn’t help wondering if that was adding to her anxiety and whether that in turn was contributing to the nightmares she’d been experiencing. After all, she knew that Teddie was safe, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling of what might have happened and how easily everything could change in a heartbeat.
The nightmares hadn’t been the only fall out from Teddie going missing, it had changed the dynamic between Eden and her mother too and some of the tentative trust that had built up between them had been lost. Karen had promised she’d never take her eyes off her grandson again if she was looking after him, and Eden knew she meant what she said. Her mother hadn’t stopped crying for hours after he’d been found, but they could so easily have lost him due to a moment’s carelessness and it felt like too big of a risk to take. Despite being in recovery for seven years, Eden knew how fragile her mother still was, and she didn’t want to do anything that would send her spiralling. Instead she’d spoken to her father and Felix on their own and they’d agreed to double down on making sure at least one of them would always be around if her mother was involved in taking care of Teddie. At least until Eden was certain there was absolutely no chance of repeating what had happened. She knew it might be unreasonable, and deep down she accepted that it was probably unfair on her mum because anyone could make a mistake, but when it came to Teddie she wasn’t taking any chances.
It had been difficult to come back to work and leave Teddie in the care of the nursery staff, especially knowing her parents would be picking him up at the end of his session. But if she didn’t force herself to do it, she might never be able to and not working wasn’t a choice she had. She’d asked her father to text her regularly to let her know what was going on, and she was just heading back from her break when he sent her a message.
Hello sweetheart, just to let you know that Teddie’s fine. We’re at the garden centre, he’s been to see the fish and now we’re in the café, and he’s trying to post all the sugar packets through the slots in the back of his chair! Xx
The garden centre was one of Teddie’s favourite places. If Eden ever drove past it and didn’t turn into the car park, her son would start to cry. There was an aquatic section, which was his idea of heaven, lots of bubbling water, brightly coloured fish and calming blue lights that made Eden feel relaxed too. Teddie was also quite keen on the café and if he could have spoken he’d probably have given his compliments to the chef for the choices on the children’s menu, all of which fitted in very well with Teddie’s love of beige food. Eden smiled and quickly typed a reply to her father.
Thanks Dad. He tried eating the brown sugar last time we were there, packet and all. Probably because it’s made of beige paper! See you all later and give Teddie a big squeeze from me xx
Eden slipped her phone into her pocket and headed back through the double doors that led from the waiting room to the emergency department.
‘I swear to God if I didn’t love that man so much and I wasn’t making allowances for sleep deprivation with Ellis’s teething, it might have been enough for me to divorce him.’ Aidan who was clearly mid-conversation with Esther and Eve, pulled a face. ‘Mistaking soy sauce for maple syrup and then pouring it all over my pancakes. I still gag when I think about the taste.’
‘It could have been worse, it could have been WD40.’ Esther laughed. ‘And to be honest I probably haven’t got much room to talk. I made Joe a cup of coffee last week, when I came in from a nightshift and he was just getting up, and I forgot that the packet of table salt had split the week before. I didn’t want to throw it away, so I tipped it into a Tupperware container and put it in the cupboard. On the morning I made Joe’s coffee, the sugar pot was almost empty, so I decided to top it up… with salt. I didn’t realise until Joe spat the first mouthful all over the duvet. It wasn’t quite the loving gesture I’d planned for, but it certainly woke him up!’
‘Makes me glad I’m single.’ Eve smiled, but there was something in her tone that didn’t quite ring true. It was either because she wasn’t as glad about that as she was making out, or maybe that she wasn’t single at all. Eden knew she’d turned Zahir down when he’d asked her to go to the cinema with him, not long after she’d returned to work. Aidan had overheard the conversation and discretion wasn’t exactly his strong point. Whatever the reason, if Eve didn’t want her colleagues to know the truth about her personal life, Eden could hardly blame her. There was plenty of stuff from her own past that she didn’t want to drag up.
‘What about you, Eden? Would you be willing to risk another relationship, even if it meant being on the receiving end of salty coffee, or pancakes soaked in soy sauce?’ Aidan gave her a questioning look. ‘Or are the rumours true that you and a certain brooding Scot are already in a relationship? Come on, spill the beans and tell us what’s been happening.’
‘There’s really nothing to—’ Eden’s response was cut off by the sound of the red phone ringing, which meant a call from the ambulance service to warn them about the imminent arrival of the most serious category of emergency. Esther got to the phone first, but the rest of them fell silent, as they listened to the details of what they were about to face. Even after all this time in the job, it still made Eden’s blood run cold when there was an emergency of that type. It meant someone was in a critical condition, and that their loved ones were about to hear terrifying news, if they hadn’t already. She’d far rather have faced Aidan’s awkward question. She knew plenty of staff in A&E lived for the adrenaline rush of that sort of life and death situation, but Eden had been on the other end of it. Just before her mother had finally got sober, she’d relapsed from a previous attempt to stop drinking and gone on such a bender that her blood alcohol levels had become life threatening and she’d ended up in A&E, and subsequently intensive care. She’d got the call when she’d been hundreds of miles and a six-hour drive from her mother’s bedside and she’d never forgotten how it had felt to be that helpless. Since Teddie had arrived, her greatest fear had become anything happening to him. That could so easily have happened at the fundraiser, and she shivered again thinking about the horror some poor family were about to go through. Esther’s summary of the call did nothing to reassure her.
‘There’s an eighteen-year-old male on the way in. He collapsed on the rugby field at school. The staff gave him CPR and defibrillation, which the paramedics repeated after they arrived. But he’s arrested again en route. ETA to resus five minutes.’
