Wynn collapsed back on the couch, head in his hands, Leona’s pain causing him the same amount of discomfort it caused me. If I failed, I’d come back to get them both.
It didn’t take me long to find her in the library.
She was curled up on the couch with her back to the door, before the filled bookcases. I never spent much time in here, choosing to hole up in my room, but this was one of Obi’s favorite places. When he was home, which wasn’t often, he spent hours at the antique desk. The light filtered through the window and fell on her curled up frame.
She sat up, her eyes locking on me as I kneeled in front of her. Tears pooled in the corner of her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I was sorry for a lot. For Volpe and her friend. For how I’d shut her down when all she tried to do was make me feel better. I brushed my thumb across her cheek. She closed her eyes, and a single tear trickled down her face.
“I don’t want anyone to see me right now.” Her voice sounded so small and defeated. “I’ll be fine in a minute.”
I nodded. She’d want Wynn or Cas in here before she’d want me. I knew that. But it still stung to hear she’d rather be alone.
“I understand,” I responded quietly. Just a few minutes, just to let her know she wasn’t alone, and then I’d go. “I just…I don’t like to be seen either.”
“Seen? What do you mean?” She sniffled, her gaze searching mine. Another fat tear rolled down her cheek.
“You think I’m shy, but I just don’t like to be seen. To be known.” I sucked in a breath, struggling to gain control over my own emotions. My past seemed to war with my present, and what resulted was a jumble of words that barely made sense. “It’s terrifying. What if someone sees the real you, and still rejects you? What if you’re vulnerable and you get hurt? It’s easier to just hide it all away behind the mask.”
She smiled softly. “My shy hacker.”
I was hers, through and through. She had no idea how much it had meant to me when she said she wasn’t going to disappear, and I could grab onto her just as the others did. I was still trying to figure out how, but I needed her to know she could do the same for me.
“You aren’t alone, Leona. These emotions, what you feel…you aren’t alone,” I murmured, pressing my palms to her thighs. “I see you, and I like you.”
She rubbed a finger underneath her eye to catch a tear. “I see you, and I like you.”
Her laugh quickly morphed into a frown, and she turned her head to the side, away from me, as she buried her face in her hands. My heart twisted. I sat beside her and rubbed her back in soft circles.
“Sorry, I need to get a hold of myself,” she hissed through her fingers. “This is ridiculous. I’m better than this.”
“Hey,” I whispered as I smoothed the hair from her face. “It’s okay. You can cry.”
“I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want anyone to think I’m stupid for being so upset.”
“No one thinks that.” I definitely didn’t. She was so strong. So much stronger than me. She always faced her future head-on, and all I did was run and hide.
She nodded. “Yes, they do. Strong leaders don’t cry. Strong leaders get things done. And then Obi…I know he thinks I can’t handle this, and that’s why he’s taking over. You’re all going to regret this, and I’m just going to get someone hurt.”
My lips thinned. Obi had his own issues to work out, and it had nothing to do with her. And regret this? Despite our setbacks, the four of us hadn’t been so present together in years. We finally had an inkling of connection, of purpose. I wasn’t about to lose that.
“Nobody regrets this. Or regrets you.”
Her breath hitched. “Come on, Ciel. If I don’t get my shit together, all of us will regret it. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I’m so upset he went off and got engaged to someone else. Iknowthat. So why do I feel like used trash? I mean, I have all of you guys, and I know we’re still, like, figuring out this relationship stuff, and I don’t even havefeelingsfor Max anymore. So it makes no sense that I’d feel so discarded. Thrown away.”
“Baby girl…” I knew how she felt more than she realized.
“I can’t stand how stupid I feel, and then on top of that, I can’t stand the idea of all ofyouthinking I’m stupid and weak and incapable. I wish I could just shut it all down. Be stronger.”
I wrapped my fingers around hers and cleared my throat so the sound would come out strong. “Baby girl, look at me.”
She sniffled, but her teary eyes met mine.
“Let me tell you a story,” I said, heart racing as I prepared to share something I’d never shared aloud before. My voice threatened to die as soon as the words left my lips, but I pressed forward. “I had a boyfriend back in Colombia. He was the only person who made me feel safe, the only person who didn’t judge my speech.
“He was the son of the man who had taken me in after my parents died, and we grew very close. But once judgmental eyes went from me to him, he started to pull away from me. When it became clear that if he associated with me, if people knew we were together, that he’d be treated the same shitty way I was, he was done. He rejected me.” I swallowed, tears pricking at my eyes. I took two deep breaths. “I had never felt so alone in my entire life. For a really long time, I let that rejection stain my relationships with other people. I let the opinions of others dictate what risks I was willing to take.”
She searched my face, squeezing my hand. “I’m so sorry, Ciel.”
