I know I said I would give you all the time you need, and I will, but I guess I just wanted to follow up because, well, I’ve never had a brother before, and if you’re up for it, I would really like to meet you.
All the best,
Brian
My brain moves a thousand miles a minute. I feel so many different emotions at once, but I can’t hang onto any of them. It’s Emma’s hand on mine that gets me out of my head. I tear my eyes from my phone and glance up at her, her gaze calming my racing thoughts just enough to grab the dangling thread of our conversation.
“Sweet coffee is the way to go, Ems. It’s all the caffeine with none of the terrible coffee taste and as a bonus, it’s dessert for breakfast.”
“You don’t have to do that, Jer.”
“Do what?” I play dumb even though I know there’s no way Emma will let that slide.
“Pretend to be okay when you’re not.”
I don’t know what to say to that because she’s right. I’m not okay. I should be. I had the most amazing night of my life with the woman of my wildest dreams. I got to hold her all night and wake up next to her and kiss her before I opened my eyes and fuck her lazily in the dim morning light. It was everything I’ve ever wanted.
But I might have a long-lost brother. He emailed my foundation email which means I saw my work inbox clogged with hundreds of unread emails I’m not the least bit interested in dealing with, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about any of it. For the first time ever, I feel like I want to open up. I want to tell Emma everything. But thinking of having that talk face to face makes me itchy with the need to move.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m a grown man. I should be able to have a conversation with the woman I’ve had feelings for for almost a decade without having a minor panic attack. I should be better than this. I’m old enough to be better than this. Emma deserves better than this.
“Let’s go for that run.”
I look up and Emma is already standing. She holds her hand out to me, a look of such deep understanding on her face that in this moment I think I would actually die for her. Running is when we talk. It’s the time we tell our secrets. It’s our most sacred time and somehow, she gets me well enough to know this is what I need. I put my hand in hers and she leads me out of the hotel onto the streets of downtown Pittsburgh.
Wordlessly, we walk the few blocks down Sixth Street to the part of the Three Rivers Heritage Trail that runs along the Allegheny River. The second we step onto the trail and start to run, the knot in my chest loosens. It’s not Frick Park, but the fall air is crisp, the sky is blue, and Emma is running next to me with her spandex shorts and red ponytail swinging. The familiar sound of our feet hitting the pavement is a balm to my troubled soul. And suddenly, I can’t hold anything in anymore.
“I think I might have a brother,” I blurt out.
Emma whips her head around to stare at me, but amazingly, her strides stay steady.
“What makes you think that?” she asks carefully.
I take a deep breath and let the fall air fill my lungs before letting it out slowly.
“Okay so last month, I got a random email from this guy telling me that he thinks we have the same father. I deleted it, thinking it was some kind of prank or something. Professional athletes get shit like this sometimes. But the thing is, I haven’t been a professional athlete in years. I’m not unknown, but I’m not in the spotlight like I was when I was playing, so it seemed like a weird prank. Like, if it’s about money, why not go find some current player making ten million a year, right? So, it kept nagging at me. And this morning when we were sitting in the lobby, I got another one. Same guy. He wants to meet me.”
Emma dodges a cyclist coming the opposite way on the trail and then glances over at me.
“Are you afraid he is your brother, or are you afraid he isn’t?”
I stare at her for so long I’m shocked I don’t end up tripping and falling on my face.
“Are you sure you’re not a witch?”
She laughs at me, like the fact that she took the conflict that’s been plaguing me for weeks and summarized it perfectly in a single question is so hilarious.
“I’m really not. I just see things.”
“I’ll say,” I mutter.
We lapse into silence as I turn her question around in my head, trying to come up with an answer. Emma reaches out and runs a hand down my arm, linking her pinkie with mine for just a second as we keep running.
“Tell me something true, Jeremy.”
I blow out a breath, my pace speeding up as the answer finally settles in my brain. Emma matches me stride for stride, and our synchronicity is soothing.
“I never knew who my dad was. I mean, I never really knew my mom either, but at least I know she died when I was a toddler and that’s how I ended up in the system. I guess when they went looking for my family, they never found a dad. I always assumed he was one of her dealers or something and never thought too hard about it. But it’s not out of the question that whoever it is had more kids at some point, and I have siblings out there somewhere. I always wished for real siblings. When I was living in foster homes where the family had a bunch of real kids, I always kind of…pretended they were mine too.”
