I pause, a little shaken at letting this piece of me out so freely. But I shouldn’t be, I guess. This is Emma. I know she’ll treat my secrets with care.
“Even though I’m all grown up now, I don’t think that part of me has ever totally gone away. I think…I’m afraid he’s not my brother.”
Emma nods, looking at me with an expression of…pride, maybe? I don’t know, but whatever it is has warmth flooding my chest.
“Then you should respond to his email. See what he has to say. And Jeremy?”
Emma grabs my hand and stops running, pulling me over to the side of the trail and turning me to face her. With her chest rising and falling rapidly from the run and her freckled cheeks flushed, I want to hold her to me and never let her go. She takes my other hand and links our fingers together before she speaks.
“If it turns out he’s not your brother, you’re going to be okay. You have Ben, Jordan, and Asher, and Rachel and Steven and the girls. And you have me. We’re your family too and none of us is going anywhere.”
She releases one of my hands and grabs my chin so I can’t look away.
“None of us is going to leave you. Ever, Jeremy. You’re stuck with us for life.”
My eyes stray from hers, discomfort lodging in my throat at the way she so clearly articulates my biggest fear, and I need to change the subject immediately.
“Can we keep running? There’s something else, too.”
“Of course.”
We step back onto the trail, and as soon as we start running again, I give her the other thing on my mind.
“I’m not happy running the foundation anymore.”
Emma looks surprised, which is not an emotion I see on her very often.
“How long have you felt that way?”
I consider her question. “A while, I think. For the first bunch of years, I loved it so much. The work we did, seeing all the kids we helped? I used to be one of those kids. If it wasn’t for a chance run-in with a high school hockey coach at the rink I usedto sneak away to after school with an old pair of skates I found in one of my foster homes, I never would have made it as far as I did. Being able to give that to other kids was so fulfilling. I did that during the day and was with Ben at the bar at night, and it really worked for me. But somewhere along the line, I lost that personal connection to the kids. The bigger the foundation got, the more the administrative stuff took over. Now I’m spending my time with meetings and paperwork, and I fucking hate all that stuff.”
Emma listens to me in that quiet way of hers, and the more I talk, the lighter I feel. It’s like this truth became a weight I carried, and I didn’t even realize how heavy it was until I started to shed it, leaving it right on the side of the Allegheny River.
“Starting the sports camps was a way to try and get back to that place again. But they all required more meetings and more fucking paperwork, and now Asher gets to do all the fun stuff while I’m stuck behind a desk approving jersey designs instead of watching the kids who actually wear the jerseys.”
“So make a change.”
I give her a wry grin. “That’s your advice? Just…make a change?”
Emma wipes the sweat off her forehead with the bottom of her long-sleeve T-shirt, giving me a glimpse of pale, creamy skin I want to run my tongue over. I start to get hard in my running shorts.
Christ.
She smirks at me like she knows exactly what’s going through my mind.
“Yep. Make a change. Step down as executive director. Find someone to take over all that admin stuff you hate, and decide where in the foundation you can do the most good. Something that fulfills you and makes you excited to get up in the morning. Be happy, Jeremy. Life’s too fucking short not to be happy. Youdon’t have to stay in a job you hate. You’re lucky enough to have resources at your disposal. Use them.”
“You really think I could step down as director?”
Emma looks at me like I have ten heads. “Of course you can step down. You started the foundation, but that doesn’t mean you have to run it forever. Did you forget I work with non-profit organizations for a living? Foundations change management all the time. Honestly, I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did. It’s a really hard and often thankless job, and the burnout rate is high.”
“But what would I do instead?” I want to cringe at how stupid I sound, but it literally never occurred to me that I didn’t have to run the foundation I started.
Emma chuckles to herself. “I have a few ideas about that, but I’m going to let you figure it out for yourself.”
“Ems,” I whine. “I’m telling you my biggest truths here. Can’t you just tell me what to do?”
She looks unimpressed. “You told me you’re unhappy in your job. Welcome to being a person in the world. We’re so happy to have you. Take some time, Jeremy. Think about what makes you happy. What you used to love about going to work. Start there, and you’ll figure it out. You can talk to me about it whenever you want. I love hearing you talk, and I always want to help, but this isn’t a decision I can make for you.”
