We lay like that, catching our breath, not saying a word. He wraps a large hand around mine, still not saying anything. I’m so lost in my world of misery that Jessen’s first words in the quiet have me about jumping out of my skin.
“I know that was over quickly, and for that I’m sorry, but I gotta say, gorgeous, I’m a little disappointed and a whole lot hurt that you felt a need to fake it at the end.”
His words hang heavy in the air between us while cutting a savage gash deep into my heart. Disappointment coats every word, making me feel even worse than I already did. I know where this is inevitably going to lead, I knew it would at some point but, God, did it have to be so soon? Unexpected tears burn my eyes, and I have to bite down on my lip to hold in the cry of despair that clogs my throat.
This man has been so sweet, so patient, so attentive, and this is how I repay him. I know what I need to do. Stalling to gather my courage, I pull the throw blanket at the foot of my bed over me so I don’t feel quite so vulnerable.
I go to speak, but no words come out. Clearing my voice, I try again. “I’m so sorry, Jessen. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.” It’s so fucking difficult to draw a breath, but I need to make this right – well, as right as I can.
“This is probably a discussion we should have had before, rather than after the fact …”
Jessen turns his head where it’s resting on the pillow beside me. His eyes connect with mine and hold a bleak expression in their beautiful depths. “Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do?” He pushes up into a sitting position and leans back against the headboard, never once breaking eye contact.
The sickness in the pit of my stomach intensifies. “God, no. This isn’t about you. At all.” At his look of sheer disbelief, I hasten to add, “I know that’s the standard line – ‘It’s me, it’s not you’ – but in this instance it really is me. I’m the broken one. It really isn’t you.”
Turning to fully face me, Jessen seems quite at ease with his own nakedness, and I can’t help but envy his confidence. For long, uncomfortable minutes he studies me as if trying to see into my head. A frown creases his forehead.
When I can no longer take the silence and tension, I burst out, “Please. Say something.”
“Define broken.” It’s all I get.
Straight to the heart of it then. I should have known that would be the way with Jessen. He’s not one to mince words or beat around the bush. If he wants to know something, he doesn't shy away from asking the awkward questions.
“Um — right. Well …” Shit, this is a whole lot harder than I anticipated it was going to be, and I’d already figured it would be difficult. But he deserves an answer, so I give him one, even though it costs me to do so.
“I guess a better way of putting it would probably be frigid.”
“Frigid?”
Great. One- and two-word answers and questions. My heart sinks lower. At this point I’m thinking there’s probably no saving this shitshow, so I may as well just rip the Band-Aid off and tell him the truth.
“Yeah, frigid. You know, cold, passionless, unresponsive – frigid.”
I can’t decide whether to be offended by his expression of incredulity or not. “Come again?”
Anger starts a slow burn in my gut, edging out a little of the sick ball of tension already in residence there. “What do you need me to repeat? What’s not to understand?”
“Then allow me to clarify. What the hell makes you say that?”
“I would think that’s pretty obvious, considering the circumstances that led to this conversation.”
Jessen takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. “I think you and I have very different views of what frigid is.” I open my mouth to reply, but he shakes his head. “I’m not done.” Quirking an eyebrow at him, I close my mouth and gesture for him to continue.
“Agatha, I’m aware that I’ve not known you for a long time, but if there is anything I one hundred percent do know about you, it’s that you are the furthest thing from frigid. The woman who came alive in my arms tonight tells me that’s just bullshit. Where the fuck would you get an idea like that?”
“My ex-fiancé never missed an opportunity to tell me, that’s how Iknow.”
“Whoa – hold up. You were engaged?”
“Yeah, we were together for over six years. But by the end, things weren’t going well, so I gathered my courage in both hands and walked away. I figured it was better to be miserable on my own with a chance at healing, than being miserable with him and staying in that toxic environment.”
“So tell me, how is it you know the relationship was toxic, but still buy into the crap he fed you about being frigid?”
Knowing there’s no way around it, I sigh deeply. This is it. This the moment Jessen will realize Iambroken and will head for the door. I can’t even look at him as I make my confession.
“I know he’s right because …” God, why it this so hard? Just say it, dammit. “Well, I’ve never – you know …”
With herculean effort, I finally look up at him, to see if he understands what I’m trying to say. The frown is back.
