“Nope, gotta say, I don’t. I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me.”
Shit, he’s really going to make me say it. Irrationally, the idea of having to actually say the words out loud annoys me, and I snap at him. “For the love of … I can’t orgasm, okay? There. I said it. Are you happy now?” In my head I’m screaming the words, but in reality, I can barely get them out above a whisper.
Tears of humiliation gather in my eyes, and I roll away from him. The silence stretches until I want to scream. I can’t stand the tension clogging the room. “Maybe it’s best if you go.”
The silence continues. I’m about to turn around and repeat my request for him to leave when he breaks it.
“Agatha, turn around.”
I don’t have the strength to – I couldn’t bear to see the expression on his face – it can’t be anything good. Shaking my head, I burrow down into the blankets more.
I hear Jessen sigh. “Tigs, please.”
My nickname on his tongue sounds foreign but really good at the same time. A little hope blossoms. If he’s using it, maybe all is not lost. It takes everything in me to roll over and face him.
“Look at me.” Again, I shake my head. I just can’t. “Please?” The plea, clear in his voice, is what gets to me. I get the impression he’s not a man who begs, at any time, for anything. When finally my gaze meets his, Jessen reaches out and strokes a gentle finger down my cheek.
13
LUCKY
Holy shit, Agatha’s words have thrown me for a loop. Frigid, my ass. I’m willing to bet my pension that asshat she was engaged to was a selfish bastard, and the problem lay solidly with him.
“Look at me.” Agatha shakes her head, again, and I want to shout in frustration. “Please?”
I’m not a man accustomed to having to beg. If I don’t get it when I ask the first time, I’ll walk away. I don’t ask twice. But this – this is way too important to walk away. This woman matters like no other has before, and I can’t bear the thought of leaving her in all this pain.
Holding my breath, I wait to see what happens next. After what seems like an eternity, she turns back to face me, and I feel like I’ve just won the lottery. The pain on her gorgeous face has my heart clenching, but it’s the devastation in her expressive eyes that makes me want to hunt the fucker who hurt her down and rip his head off.
Stroking a finger across the downy-soft skin of her cheek, I try to convey my thoughts through the touch. “I need you to break this down for me. I’m not trying to be a dick or hurt you more than your ex did. I know this is painful for you – I can see it — I just really want to understand. Will you tell me?”
Taking a deep breath, Agatha gives me a hesitant nod. “But I can’t look at you while I do. Please don’t make me? I won’t be able to get through it if I do.”
My heart shatters into a million pieces for this strong, independent, funny, sweet woman. She’s done a magnificent job of putting her broken pieces back together, so much so that no one would ever realize it’s a patch job. But right here, in this moment, she shows me her soft underbelly – that vulnerable spot she hides from the world that sports all the scars she doesn’t want anyone to see. And I want to shout it from the rooftops.
The trust she’s showing me is humbling.
After everything I’ve seen and done and been exposed to throughout my career in the military, I don’t think I’ve ever displayed so much courage as Agatha just has. That tiny body of hers houses an enormous spirit, and I couldn’t be more incredibly proud of her. Not to mention in awe.
“Do what you need to do to be comfortable with this conversation. But it’s definitely one that needs to be had.”
Another deep breath, and she starts to speak.
“I met him in my second year of college, at a campus party. We hit it off and started dating not long after. Through the rest of college. He was a year ahead of me, so he graduated before I did. I should have known it was doomed then already, but I was too young and stupid to see it.
“He got a job offer in another state. Since it was too good to turn down, he took it. The night he came to tell me, he broke it off with me telling me to ‘look him up’ when I graduated. But he wasn’t into long distance relationship.”
The words burst out of me before I can filter them. “Please, please tell me you didn’t.”
Her self-depreciating laugh says it all. “Yeah, wish I could. The best I can do is tell you it took a while.” Agatha rubs a hand over her eyes. “I won’t deny I was hurt by what he did and determined to go my own way. So, when I graduated, I packed my things up and headed home. I applied to a host of places but none of the top positions I really wanted panned out, so rather than settling for one I didn’t, I decided to take some time off.
“I took a year off to travel, working my way around Europe. A couple months before I was due to come back to the States, I ran into my ex at a little taverna in Kalamata. He spun me a story about how sorry he was for letting me go and begged me to come back to him.
“Idiot that I am, I agreed. But not until my trip was over – I think somewhere in the back of my mind I realized I was making a mistake. But I did it anyway. By the time I got back, he’d organized a position for me at the firm where he worked. It wasn’t until near the end I understood it was just another means of controlling me.”
Agatha sits up, the blankets firmly clutched to her chest. She takes a quick sip of water and then continues to drive my blood pressure up with her words.
“Sex was never great between us, right from the very first time. He was my first and, based on that experience alone, if we hadn’t stayed together, it’s likely the only time I would have been intimate with anyone. It was incredibly painful. He told me it was my own fault. If I’d been more into it, I wouldn’t have hurt so much – you know, I would have been able to – um …”
