‘Not really. She’s met someone else, and he seems like a nice guy. He seems like a better fit for her than I was.’
‘Is there no jealousy?’ Anna was surprised. Even if you knew the relationship was dead, she felt sure it would be strange to see the person you’d married and had a child with start up with someone else, especially if you were still single.
‘I mean, it’s strange, don’t get me wrong. Luke keeps asking when I’m going to move back in and why Mummy’s friend is around all the time. And I wish we could have held it together, for him. I mean, we could have done. But neither of us washappy, and I think he would have started to sense that. But no jealousy, no. If he makes her happy, that’s all right with me.’
Steve stood up and took the mugs back to the kitchen. She liked that he did little things like that, in her home.
‘Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me, about the miscarriage,’ he said. ‘If you ever want to talk about it…’
‘Thank you,’ she said. Had it been a betrayal of Edward, talking to him about this? When she’d brought it up, it had felt as if she couldn’t keep it in. But now, she thought perhaps she shouldn’t have.
‘I should go,’ he said.
Anna nodded, relieved.
‘Feel whatever you need to,’ he said. ‘Grief, rage, relief, it’s all okay. It’s all part of the process. Keep talking to Nia. And me, if you want to. I’d like to be there for you.’
Anna felt a single tear track down her cheek, because she knew he meant what he said, and she also knew she’d never take him up on it. Steve brushed the tear away with his thumb. And that touch, it was exactly what she needed.
‘Will you be okay?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’ She believed that. She would be okay, in time. ‘Thank you,’ she said again.
Steve shook his head. He bent down to ruffle Sam’s hair. ‘See you soon, Sam.’
Sam barely looked up. He was in the world of his drawings, which looked like scribbles to Anna, but which she knew from previous conversations contained monsters and castles and dragons.
In the hallway, Anna opened the door and saw that it was raining lightly.
‘Do you have an umbrella?’ she asked.
‘No. But I’ll be fine.’
She thought of a thing Edward always said when she asked if he had an umbrella. He always said he’d rather get wet and be able to see the sky. And maybe that was what it all came down to. Compromise. Having one thing but losing another.
‘Bye, Steve,’ she said.
And he kissed her cheek and was gone. It felt like an ending.
17
NO
Thursday 5 June 2008
At five o’clock on the dot, Sarah came and stood over Anna at her desk.
‘Time to go,’ she said in a sing-song voice.
Anna had been messing about with a spreadsheet for an hour; she gladly closed it down. She looked up at Sarah and grinned. ‘Road trip!’
‘Have a good time, you two.’
Anna looked up and saw David standing a few feet away from her desk. It was hard to read his tone. He knew about the trip, had approved the time off for both of them, and the previous night, he’d asked Anna not to go. Asked her to spend the time with him, instead. Wasn’t this what she wanted? Days on end spent together like a proper couple? But no, not quite. Their relationship – whatever it was – was still a secret and that always made her feel slightly grubby. Still, she’d been tempted to cancel. David was like a drug to her. But thiswas Sarah, one of the most important people in her life, and Anna knew she’d feel like shit if she lied to her and let her down. She was pretty sure Sarah would be in her life long after David had left it. She looked him in the eye, gave him a stiff smile and turned back to Sarah.
They’d been planning this break for weeks. They were going straight from the office to a car-hire place and then driving to Boston, because Sarah couldn’t believe Anna had never been there when it was only three hours from New York. They’d taken a couple of days off so they could make it a proper trip. Anna was excited. She’d explored New York pretty thoroughly in her time there but hadn’t made many trips to other places in the States. When she thought of Boston, she thought about the Cheers bar and the marathon, but Sarah had told her they were going to go to Chinatown for food, laze in the parks with their books and walk The Freedom Trail for a bit of history. Anna was more than happy to let her lead. Anna was the designated driver, because she missed it, and Sarah was the tour guide.
An hour later, they were on their way. Anna welcomed the sense of freedom she always felt when she got behind the wheel. She’d started out slow but was gradually gaining the confidence to go a little bit faster.
