‘It’s complicated,’ she said, and then she felt like a teenager. ‘Edward wants more, at least one more. I don’t. And then, I don’t know, I fell pregnant by accident, back in April.’
Steve was nodding, leaning in. Both of them were talking in low voices, but Sam wasn’t listening. He was in his own world, scribbling and making patterns with coloured pencils, trying to do the things he’d seen his brother do.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Steve said, even though it was clear that the story was far from over.
‘About what? The pregnancy, or the miscarriage?’ Anna asked. She laughed, and then it turned into a sob, and she was crying hard, and Steve was putting his arms around her.
‘All of it,’ he whispered into her hair.
They didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Anna eventually stood and went through to the bathroom to sort herself out. When she returned, Steve was sitting a little closer to Sam, asking him questions about his picture. He looked up and gave Anna a smile that was easy to read, despite the message being complicated. The smile meant ‘I’m sorry you’re upset, and I wish I could comfort you, but I don’t know quite where I stand’.
‘Does anyone else know?’ he asked, once she’d sat down again.
‘Just Nia.’
‘And are you talking to her much?’
‘Yes, almost daily.’
‘Good. I’m glad you have someone. And what about Edward?’
‘He’s just so disappointed. And I feel like we can’t connect properly because he knows it wasn’t really what I wanted. But we’ll be okay. We’ll get through it.’
She looked at Steve and he looked back at her, his eyes clear. She thought for a moment that he was going to lean in and kiss her, and she knew she would have to stop it, if he did. She knew, too, that it would be hard.
‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘Was there something you wanted to talk about?’
Steve looked a little pained. ‘I just wanted to let you know that we’ve decided to move Luke to a different school after the summer holidays.’
Anna wasn’t expecting that. A different school. No more meetings at the gate. Would she run into him at all?
‘Why?’
‘Theresa’s moving to Tooting. We couldn’t afford the Clapham place any more and she’s found somewhere she likes, but with both of us there, it just makes sense for him to go to a school nearby.’
Anna nodded. It did make sense.
‘So…’ Steve trailed off, and Anna wondered whether he hadn’t been able to say what he wanted to, or whether he hadn’t known what to say at all.
‘All change,’ Anna said.
There was a beat of silence before Steve spoke again.
‘Do you ever wish that we’d met before?’ he asked.
Anna took a deep breath. She looked at Sam’s whorl of hair, at his scribbling fingers.
‘I know, I know,’ Steve said, before she could speak. ‘It’s impossible. We wouldn’t have our boys. And you’re still in your marriage. I shouldn’t have asked; it isn’t fair.’
Sam looked up, then. ‘Mummy, can I have a drink?’
Anna went through to the kitchen to get a cup of squash, flicked the kettle on to make tea for her and Steve, and thought about what he’d said. There was something between her andSteve that she’d never have with Edward. She’d come to accept that. He seemed to understand her in a way that Edward didn’t, knew what she needed and when. If she let herself think about it, she imagined that would translate into a very good relationship. And if she’d met him first, like he’d said, things could be very different. But she hadn’t. She’d met Edward, and he might not be perfect for her, but he was a good man. Suddenly, she hoped Steve wouldn’t stay too much longer. She felt like she was on dangerous ground. She took the drinks through and tried to change the subject to something less loaded.
‘How are things with Theresa?’ She passed him a mug of tea, put Sam’s squash on the coffee table.
Steve pulled a pained face. ‘I mean, they’re probably as good as they can be. We don’t dislike each other. And we’re united when it comes to Luke. You hear about people fighting over their kids but it just makes sense to us that we both want to be with him and we need to keep communicating to get it right.’
‘So no animosity?’ Anna asked. It hadn’t been like that with Edward, when they’d had that time apart and it had seemed, for a while, like it might be over. It had been wall-to-wall animosity, until Edward realised that he was never going to win her back like that.
