‘How long since you were in Boston?’ she asked.
‘Years,’ Sarah said. ‘We used to go there when I was a kid, sometimes. And I’ve been with girlfriends but not for a long time.’
Sarah reached across and put her hand on Anna’s thigh, and Anna tensed involuntarily. She didn’t know how to say it to Sarah, who she so enjoyed spending time with, but she wanted them to go back to just being friends. At least, she thought they should go back to that, because of her feelings for David. Sheloved him, and although she was sure he wasn’t faithful to her, she felt uncomfortable sleeping with anyone else.
‘You okay?’ Sarah asked.
Anna nodded.
‘What are you thinking about?’ Sarah asked.
‘The future,’ Anna said. It was true. She worried about the future in a way Sarah never seemed to.
‘In terms of…’
‘I don’t know, everything. You and me. Love. Where I’ll end up living. Babies.’
‘Babies? I thought you’d decided babies were off the table.’
Anna sighed. She had decided that, hadn’t she? And yet, sometimes she saw a woman with a baby strapped to her front and felt a pang and couldn’t settle to anything all day. Was that just biology? Or societal expectation?
‘I think I have. I’m just, sometimes, not sure. Have you always known?’
‘What, that I don’t want to have kids? I think so. Actually no, that’s not quite true. When I was about twenty-five, I was broody as hell for about a year. I was single at the time, and I even started looking into adoption and sperm donation, and then I met someone and it just sort of… went away. I always assumed it was biological.’
‘Maybe,’ Anna said.
‘As for the rest, I’m not sure it’s love, for us. I’m not sure it’s ever heading that way.’
Anna nodded. She did love Sarah, but she wasn’t in love with her. ‘I know that,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry, I know that. I just get so confused sometimes, and feel like I’m treading water.’
‘I know, you’re still looking for it, that thing, that feeling.’
The truth was, Anna thought she’d found it. When she waswith David, she felt happier and more secure than she ever had. But it was all still a secret, and she knew the power dynamic made it complicated, and she felt like a fool.
‘Let’s talk about something else,’ Anna said.
‘Okay, how’s your friend Nia doing?’
Anna changed lanes and looked at a sign as they passed it. She was stalling, trying to gather her thoughts. She and Nia weren’t as close as they’d once been. It was inevitable, she supposed, with the physical distance between them, but the gap had definitely been widened by Nia’s journey into motherhood.
‘I think she’s okay. We Skype and email. She tells me funny things Cara has done, sends me photos. She doesn’t talk much about herself, about how she feels about things.’
‘I guess there just isn’t as much time to reflect on that, once you’re a mom.’
‘Yes.’
They were silent for a little while, and then they were getting into Boston and Sarah was directing Anna to the hotel she’d booked for them. It was a nice place, compact and family run. They had a small room on the third floor, and the décor was a little tired but there was a vase of fresh flowers on the windowsill, and that made Anna smile. She was exhausted, she realised, after a day at work and the long drive.
‘Shall we order room service?’ Sarah asked. ‘The guy at the desk said they could do sandwiches.’
‘I love room service!’
When they were eating, and Sarah was telling a story that made her snort with laughter, Anna felt less tense. Sarah leaned across the bed and kissed her, and Anna opened her mouth and closed her eyes. When David came into her mind, she pushed him into a corner. This was where she was, she told herself. This was what she had.
They woke to a clear, bright sky and wandered around for hours. Anna liked to get to know a place by getting lost in it, so Sarah let her lead them, and they discovered corners of the small city that Sarah had never seen before. When they were eating lunch, greasy burgers in the small garden of a restaurant, Anna asked a question that often came up for her.
‘Do you ever wish we hadn’t done this? That I hadn’t kissed you that day and we’d just stayed friends?’
