Reggie was the love of my life, and no matter what he did he would always hold a big piece of my heart. He filled a void in my life that my dad left causing me to be very vulnerable when it came to men. All my life I had to accept what time I could get from my dad and due to his busy life, he didn’t have very much to give me. Even though my dad was alive and well, I still felt like a fatherless child. For as long as I could remember I yearned for true, unconditional love from my dad, and I never really got that. Having to grow up and from an early age, I learned to accept and be okay with what people dished out to me.
It was the reason why I had allowed for Reggie to mistreat me and the reason why I was always willing to disregard my truth to be accepted by others. Just like with my sister Deja. We were half-sisters sharing the same dad. For many years Deja and her mom hated me because our dad cheated on Deja’s mom with my mom and made me. When Deja’s mom found out about me, an instant war was created between my mom and her, and unfortunately, I was collateral damage because I was the result of my dad’s indiscretions.
It took years for me and Deja to develop a relationship because our dad would go between her house and ours keeping up drama between our moms. Her mom didn’t want her having a relationship with me, and my mom didn’t want me having one with Deja in fear of me being mistreated. My mom didn’t trust Deja and her mom’s intentions toward me, so my mom felt like I shouldn’t push too hard for me and Deja to have a relationship. Idisagreed with that because Deja was my older sister and neither one of us could control our dad’s actions. It wasn’t fair to either one of us for us to not get along when we were blood siblings. My mom’s health ended up taking a turn for the worse my senior year of high school, and two years after I graduated, she passed away from a rare form of bone cancer.
After my mom passed my safety net was taken from me in an instant. Thankfully, she had an insurance policy, so I wound up getting a little over eighteen thousand after her funeral and burial was paid for. With the money I was able to maintain paying the bills on my mom’s rented condo for a little over a year. Once my savings started to get low, I started doing freelance writing work from home. Even though I sucked as a student, I was a very strong writer. I actually enjoyed writing, and reading was my favorite pastime, so I lucked up being able to work doing something I enjoyed and from the comforts of my home.
The only downside was my pay would fluctuate based off of the writing jobs I got. By the time I met Reggie, I was at a very low point financially. My savings were just about depleted, and I was literally working job to job. Reggie stepped in and changed my entire world. He made sure my bank account was always sitting pretty and my bills were paid on time. As things progressed between us, he eventually bought the townhouse that I lived in now. Reggie was essential to my life and the lifestyle I had grown accustomed to having, which was why I was willing to put up with his bullshit.
Because of Reggie, living paycheck to paycheck became a thing of the past, and I had grown to love how financially secure I was, it just sucked that it had to come with a price. Reggie and I had messed around with one another for about five and a half years on and off. I included our off time in those five and a half years only because when we were off and called ourselvesbroken up, we still had sex. To be honest, there was never really a time when we didn’t have sex except for now. Me and Reggie’s relationship was so toxic that by the time I realized it, I was in way too deep with him. He had quickly become my addiction and at one point, I couldn’t see myself living without him.
The last time we broke up was after my first miscarriage. That was a very hard and emotional time for both of us. I knew Reggie was hurting over the loss of our baby and I was beyond devastated as well. I had fallen in such a dark place that it affected my writing. My entire mental status was thrown completely off. I wasn’t able to eat, sleep, write, read, nothing. I couldn’t shake the pain of losing our baby and I couldn’t help but to take it personal because I felt like my body failed me; and not just our child, but all of us.
Reggie and I became very withdrawn from each other emotionally, leading to us both stepping out on our relationship. As bad as I hated to admit it, it was a given that Reggie would step out and seek comfort in the arms of other women but what was most shocking was when I cheated on him. As much as I loved him, I had started to resent him just as much, causing me to react and for the first time I cheated on him. One could argue that he deserved it from all that he had put me through, but I loved him and never planned to ever tell him whether I felt justified in my cheating or not.
I regretted what I had done at first, I wasn’t thinking clearly. But at the time, I was hurting and in need of something that Reggie wasn’t capable of giving me.
The one person that I needed to be strong for me bucked when I needed them the most. Reggie practically pushed me into the arms of another man. Richie was a guy from around the way that had been trying to shoot his shot with me since high school. Over the years we kept in contact through social media, and it wasn’t uncommon for us to flirt and message each otherespecially in moments when I’d be lonely, or Reggie and I were on the outs. Things with Richie and I never got physical until the day I cheated.
I was feeling pretty down on this particular day. It was two weeks after I had miscarried, and Reggie and I had gotten into a big falling out. I wanted him to be by my side, yet he had checked out of our relationship emotionally. I knew he was hurt because we had just found out that I was having a boy and he was stoked about having a son. But after I lost the baby, he made me feel like he blamed me, causing me to get in my feelings and in turn blame him for losing the baby due to me always being stressed out about him and his bullshit. We went back and forth, tit for tat saying some pretty hurtful things to one another and broke up.
I was so upset that I made the mistake of making a post on Facebook about how men ain’t shit and changed my relationship status to single. It only took seconds later, and Richie was in my inbox asking me what was going on, so I vented to him. I needed to get it off my chest and he provided me with the listening ear I needed. He offered to take me to Lake Geneva Grand Resort for a weekend getaway and reset and I took him up on his offer. Richie owned a cleaning service, and he had a few clients to service in Lake Geneva which was a frequent trip for him due to his business. Since he sometimes frequented the Grand Resort up to three times a month, he was able to get all exclusive access to all the benefits the resort offered.
He described a loft style villa with a picture-perfect view of Lake Geneva, along with all expenses paid access to all the food service and resources the resort offered. He mentioned something about a hair and nail salon and a massage experience that would have you weak in the knees and I was sold. It sounded heaven sent.
Richie picked me up later that night and we spent the most amazing four days together. During the day he worked, while I enjoyed the many amenities, starting with the full body massage. The first night we were able to keep things platonic, but by that second night it was on and poppin’. Richie seduced every inch of my body and soul delivering sensations of pleasure that I thought only Reggie could give me. Those four days turned out to be some of the most amazing days of my life, yet it changed the direction of my life forever.
The physical and mental connection Richie and I developed was becoming deeper and deeper, then I found out that I was pregnant again. I was terrified because the day Reggie and I broke up we had unprotected sex, then a day later Richie and I had unprotected sex and several times over the course of the four days we spent together. Which brought me to now. I was honestly not sure who my baby’s dad was, but I hoped that it was Reggie’s more than it was Richie’s. Which was why I told Reggie about the pregnancy as soon as I found out and had yet to tell Richie. It was hard, but I had refrained from announcing my pregnancy on social media specifically so Richie wouldn’t find out.
Reggie had my heart, so ultimately, I prayed the baby was his. I liked and cared a lot about Richie, but I was in love with Reggie, so I had to keep this secret to myself until after I had the baby. That was one of the main reasons why I had stopped having sex with Reggie. I didn’t want to be fucking a man that wasn’t my child’s dad while I was still pregnant. I was already ashamed and disappointed with myself for not knowing for sure who my child’s father was. Sex was the last thing on my mind. As for Richie, I had been keeping him at a safe distance. It was helpful that he was busy with his cleaning service and didn’t have much time to try to hook up with me. So, him and I having sex again wasn’t hard to swerve.
Now that I was pregnant again, and honestly had no clue who my baby daddy was, I had to play my cards for what was in the best interest for me and my child. With everything that Reggie had done to me, I still loved him deeply, so he was who and what I felt was best for me and my child. Little did I know that I was going to eventually find out that I couldn’t be any more wrong about that.
Sex was something that Reggie and I always connected on whether we were together or not because we both chose to deal with our emotional pain through having sex. It was a toxic trait to have, but that was my truth. Because of that, Reggie not only held my heart but my body also. As much as I knew how toxic he was, I still couldn’t picture my life without him.
I should have knocked the shit out of him and moved on with my life, after the stunt he pulled today, but how could I when I had gone out and done wrong as well?
I was carrying the burden of not knowing who I was pregnant by which was the ultimate betrayal. I had no choice but to accept how he felt plus I understood what sex meant to him. Yet, at the same time, it didn’t sit well with me that he was basically given a pass to do him whenever he wanted. I figured I’d give him his time to do him until the baby was born, then once I knew the outcome of that I would be clearer on what I would do next.
I hated the fact that I had gotten myself in this situation because I truly loved Reggie and I’d be devastated if the baby wasn’t his. At the same time, I cared deeply for Richie because whenever Reggie wasn’t around Richie had become the one that I sought comfort from. I really didn’t want to tell Richie about the baby unless I knew for a fact the baby was his, and even then, I wasn’t completely sold on telling him. All he knew was that Reggie and I were back together. I was playing it like I couldn’t hang out with him because Reggie and I were putting in equaleffort, which was a lie, but it was my way of swerving him so he wouldn’t ask to hang out.
I wouldn’t dare let him over to my house in fear of Reggie popping up. Even though Reggie and I didn’t officially live together, he purchased my townhome, so there was no way I could bring another guy over when he had twenty-four-seven access to my place. Another reason why Reggie and I always seemed to remain sexual. He always had access to me whenever he wanted, and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for that, but Reggie was my weakness. There was no one in the world other than him that really knew the extent that I would go to make him happy. He pretty much had me by the balls and I didn’t even have a pair of balls. He provided the majority of my financial support even though I was making decent money from my freelance work, it was nothing compared to the money he’d given me. I had to do what was best for me and my child moving forward, so I guess that was another reason why I was willing to accept him tricking off. As long as he agreed to my few stipulations, we were good.
Just as I laid back in bed and grabbed my laptop to log on and attempt to get a little work done my cellphone rang. Seeing that it was Deja, I went ahead and answered. I figured I’d put my work off to talk to her because I knew she was calling for details. I had been texting her all day and we’d had yet to talk. I wasn’t up for company tonight and knew that if I didn’t answer she was prone to pop up. Shutting my laptop, I answered her call before my voicemail picked up.
“You know I’m calling for details!” Deja spat as soon as I answered the phone.
All I could do was laugh. Deja and I had come such a long way in our relationship. We’d had our ups and downs, probably more downs than ups, but lately it had been good. For that I was truly grateful because in a way she was all I really had outsidefrom our daddy who I hadn’t talked to in years. Our biggest bone of contention was our dad. He was the reason why she and her mom hated me, so in order for us to move past all the hurt and pain caused by our dad’s actions, we vowed to never discuss him with each other. She never shared the status of their relationship with me and vice versa.
Since Deja was the oldest, I knew she still had somewhat of a relationship with our father. I just didn’t need to know how close they were. My dad and I were never really able to connect, which was a result of the lack of a bond he and I shared, and I hated that. To keep us from getting in our feelings and falling out, we never ever discussed our dad.
It felt good to have a relationship with my big sister. She was older than me by two years, nothing major but still. I loved the fact that she and I were becoming close. Yet at the same time, I was very careful with what I shared with her. Deja used to hate the fact that I was born, so I was still a little guarded with her. It was something I needed to work on internally, and as long as she and I continued to get along and become closer, the more I would feel comfortable opening up to her.
“Brandi, I’ma need you to start from the very beginning. I need to know what that girl looks like and what happened when she first stepped to you.”
Deja was all for some piping hot tea. She loved mess and drama more than I did, so this type of thing was right up her alley. Even though she was older, there were times when I felt I handled things on a way more mature level than her. I started breaking down the details of what happened, leaving out bits and pieces of me and Reggie’s conversation. I shared a lot with Deja, but at the same time only so much. She had no clue about Richie, and I made him promise to not tell a soul because Richie and Deja had a lot of mutual friends from school. Deja datedRichie’s older brother back when they were in high school and they all are still good friends til this day.
“So, wait sis, let me understand this. You told that nigga you was cool with him cheatin’ on you?” Deja asked when I told her that Reggie and I were sort of in an open relationship.
