Chapter 8
Shannon
The transformation was instantaneous. Jess went from caged and reserved to more like the old her that Shannon used to know. A girl – no, she was a woman now – who was bubbly, friendly, and likely to crack a joke at any moment. She didn’t even have any wine! Shannon always needed wine to loosen up enough to make jokes she honestly thought were funny.
That was what I liked about you, Jess.Shannon had gone so many months ignoring Jess, because there wereso manyother people out there needing her time and attention. Yet it was because of Jess’s outgoing personality and her constant offers of help that made Shannon start to recognize her wherever she went on their small campus. It was what made her go to Jess when she did need help and Kelsey wanted nothing to do with it.
Kelsey… if she knew this was going on right now, what would she say? Would she squawk at Jess to leave the table? What was her problem, anyway? What had always been her problem?
“How’s your food?” Shannon asked halfway through dinner. “You know more about Asian cuisine than I do, so I thought your opinion might be good.”
“I do, huh?”
Shannon laughed. “Of course! You studied abroad in China, didn’t you?”
“Taiwan.” Jess shrugged. “They like to make the distinction for obvious reasons.”
I have no idea why.Shannon’s laughter only grew more awkward with each passing second. She was a Politics major, yet she couldn’t remember why Taiwan wouldn’t want to be called China?Certified idiot. That’s me.Jess was officially the smart one at the table. Shannon would be lucky to remember the capital of Oregon by the end of dinner.
It helped that Jess had loosened up and talked with the ease of old. Much easier to remember college. Those nights in the dorms, when hanging out with friends was as much fun as going on a date with the boyfriend or sitting in the downstairs lounge, watching pretty girls walk by and wondering what it would be like to…
Shannon almost choked on her bite of stir-fry. Those were thoughts she had suppressed for so long.
“Where did you study again?” Jess asked. “Belgium?”
“Yes.” How had she remembered that? Incredible! “My foreign language was French, but the school didn’t have a French exchange program. The closest we could get was a program out of Belgium. So that’s where I went my junior year.” Shannon giggled. “Remember that thing we exchanged before we went off to study abroad?” She snapped her fingers as she attempted to recall it. “What did you call it?Oceans Away,or something?”
Jess wanly smiled. “Yup. I only had one to give, and I gave it to you.”
What was that falling across their table? That strange sensation gripping Shannon by the heart and dragging her toward Jess? That realization that they had so much between them, most of it never shared or indulged? “Why did you give it to me? Didn’t you have closer friends going off to study abroad?”
“They were in my program. I saw them anyway.”
“Oh.” Shannon’s hand touched her chest. “I see.” She had given herOcean’s Awayto Kelsey, who had been accepted to a program in London.We were so close, and it was so cheap to travel in the EU, that we met up three times during that semester.She didn’t see Jess again until senior year.
But Jess was one of the only ones to give her anOcean’s Awaybook. A contact card so they could keep in touch. Photos of their first two years at college. A short paragraph about what she would miss the most about Shannon.
She remembered when that card almost came in handy.
***
Memory #8
I had been in Belgium for over two months. Long enough for me to realize I was a different woman than I had been back in the States. Studying abroad changes you, yeah? So I dumped Nick over email. Told him I didn’t want to be with him when I came home. He sent me some threatening messages about what a slut I was and how I would be pregnant with some “Belgian Waffles” by the end of my term. I had known about his true colors for a while. Subconsciously, I knew to wait until I had been in Belgium for a long while, so I wouldn’t have to dump him face to face and incur wrath.
Risk assessment. That’s what I hear it called now. Back then, though, I felt like such a coward.
I didn’t think breaking up with Nick would be so hard, but once I did it, I didn’t feel the wave of relief I had anticipated. I suddenly regretted it. Depression hit me. Probably not just the breakup, but being so far away from home and wondering if I would survive yet another day in Belgium. Typical study abroad drama.
My host family didn’t know. I hid it from everyone, including my friends at the program. The only time I purged my emotions was late at night, holed up in my room in the attic of a 17thcentury townhouse that had been renovated more times than anyone could count.
Kelsey wasn’t responding to my messages. I pulled the covers around me in that drafty room and searched for any sign of home. Something that didn’t remind me of Nick.
I ended up finding Jess’sOceans Awaybook in the bottom of my suitcase. I grabbed it because, indeed, it did not make me think of Nick. It made me think of something else entirely.
Kelsey had claimed that Jess was gay and interested in me. Until then, when I started thinking about a rebound to get my mind off Nick and the shitty way he had sex, I never thought about it. A lesbian having a crush on me wasn’t on my radar, unless she became a problem. Jess hadn’t been a problem, so I didn’t care.
Suddenly, I cared.
