Where was she now? Taiwan? What was she doing there? Did she have a girlfriend? Did she have a girlfriend back at our school? I knew so little about her, yet she gave me this book. This one book every person got. Out of everyone she could have given it to, why me? I never considered us real friends until that moment.
I picked up my phone and thought about messaging her. That email was right there on the contact card, after all. I could’ve sent her a hello. Ask her how she was doing. Ask banal questions about Taiwan, feigning interest in a desperate bid to stop caring about Nick and his tiny dick.
“You nasty slut,”one of his last texts to me had said.“You weren’t worth all the cum. Better spent on Jenna Jameson videos.”
Tears slid down my face. How could a man who once said he was in love with me be so cruel? Were women this cruel to each other in lesbian relationships?
That was the first time I thought about Jess in a romantic context. A context I didn’t know existed until that lonely, cold night in Belgium. I hadn’t seen her in months. I had barely thought about her. So why was I thinking about her now?
Why did I wonder what it would be like for her to hug me and say I never had to deal with men again?
I ended up putting down my phone before I messaged her. Instead, I went to school the next day and set my sights on some guy in one of my classes. By the end of the weekend, I was blowing him behind some historical monument, and by the end of my exchange, I had completely stopped wondering why I always focused on women more in sex scenes.
Except it was the beginning of the end, wasn’t it? The first time I ran from Jess. It wouldn’t be the last.
***
Shannon was the only one drinking that night. Jess had politely turned down a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, though one of the reasons Shannon picked this place was because it had an excellent reputation for its selection of IPAs and Willamette Valley wines.
Is she a teetotaler?Wouldn’t be the first time Shannon wondered that about Jess. Nor the first time she wondered a lot of things about the girl who was once in love with her.
Right. That’s why Shannon had invited her out for dinner.
“I wanted to talk about what happened.”
Jess’s muscles tensed right back to where they were when they first reunited in the teahouse.
“About what, exactly?”
Shannon heard the crack in Jess’s voice and chose to ignore it. “About what happened senior year. I… I want to apologize. For all of it.”
“You didn’t do…”
“I did. I was terrible about how I ended things.”
Jess ceased the eye contact she had maintained for most of the meal. Now she stared at something on the table, as if nothing Shannon had to say was worth hearing.
“It was understandable. You weren’t like that, right?”
“I shouldn’t have led you on.”
“No,” Jess agreed. “You shouldn’t have. But for what it’s worth, I don’t regret any of it.”
“Can you say that to my face?”
Blushing, Jess lifted her head and forced a smile. Her hair, as short and silky as it had been back in college, perfectly framed her round face. She had always gone on about Shannon’s hair.You made it sound like the whole world should see how beautiful I was. In truth, you’re the only one to have ever said those things.None of Shannon’s boyfriends made her feel hot until her clothes came off. Jess could make her feel like the prettiest girl in the world with one furtive glance.
That was real admiration, huh?
“I don’t regret any of it,” Jess said. To her credit, it wasn’t through clenched teeth.
“Me neither,” Shannon said with a relieved sigh. So good to get that off her chest after so many years!
“Really?” Jess snorted. “You seemed to regret it back then.”
“I was young and dumb, okay?” Shannon instantly regretted putting it like that. “I mean… I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I don’t think I was ready for that kind of experi…”
She caught a renewed look of disbelief in Jess’s countenance.Oh, shit. Wrong thing to say.Shannon was never good at this. Professors commended her for her speeches and paper writing, but she didn’t know anyone better at putting their feet in their mouths, especially around people from different lifestyles.I would do it. I would find the most insensitive thing to say to a lesbian.Experimentation. What were the speech centers of her brain thinking? They were fired.
