Dad looks at the camera with a worried expression, and the sight of him gives me a sinking feeling. He has plum-colored circles under his eyes, and the fine lines on his face have turned into furrows. The only time he looked this terrible was when Mom left us. He’s silent for a moment, then speaks in a worryingly serious voice. “Kansas. I hope you’re alone when you see this.” I involuntarily hold my breath and stare back at the narrow strip of light below the bathroom door. “I just got off the phone with Clark Davenport. I don’t know why you actually asked about Chester’s brother, but Clark told me he’s missing. Not missing by the police... but by them, by his family and his friends. Nobody knows where he is.” Dad peers directly into the camera, which is unsettling, as if he’s about to announce something terrible. “He’s the boy in the photo, isn’t he? I sent it to Clark. You’re traveling together... I’m scared, Kansas. Clark said his son was sick.”Yes, insane.It kind of pisses me off that Dad listened to Clark Davenport. Maybe now he’ll realize that I’ve never been with hundreds of guys and that Chester is lying. “He says he’ll hurt you sooner or later. He hurts everyone close to him, Kansas, do you understand me?” He takes a deep breath. “I’ll pick you up if you want. I’m begging you, separate from thisyoung man.” He’s silent again and shakes his head. “I wonder why he didn’t tell you his name. Maybe he didn’t want you to know who he was...” He sighs, exhausted. “Tanner. His name is Tanner Davenport.”
Tanner.I repeat several times, staring at the bathroom door as if I could see River behind it.Tanner. The name sounds strange.
I close my dad’s message, turn on airplane mode, and take a deep breath. Should I confront River about what I learned?
I crawl out of bed and place my feet on the carpeted floor. The cold sweat on my back makes me shiver. What should I do? River must have been in the bathroom for a long time, and with each passing minute, I’m becoming more and more restless.
When another five minutes go by, I go to the locked door and tentatively knock.
“Don’t!” he says sharply. It sounds like he’s standing close behind the door. You can’t lock it; I noticed that earlier when I tried. Damn, what do I do now?
If I were selfless, I would tell you to leave me before things get really bad.
I knock again, determined not to be brushed off.
“No!” he shouts so loudly I flinch. Suddenly, I feel ice-cold. Something is not right. Whenever he feels bad, he sends me away. It must be really bad.
Ignoring his warning, I push the handle down and see him standing at the sink with his back to me.
“Damn you, Tucks! What don’t you get about the word no? Should I write it on the mirror in lipstick?” He doesn’t turn around; he just rolls down the sleeves of his shirt.
Is he doing drugs?
With a quick glance, I scan the area around the sink and spot a few colorful pills. My throat tightens. It’s one thing to suspect it and another to see it, and somehow, everything is different nowthan it did at the beginning. He was a stranger who helped me and who maybe took drugs from time to time. I didn’t care as long as he tolerated me being around. But now...
I open my mouth as he turns, his face pale and miserable, his eyes glassy. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a million lifetimes. “Go. Just get out.”
I immediately shake my head and ignore his warning tone. It hurts to see him like this—someone who was so exuberant at first, who can fold cranes with one hand, and who knows all the curiosities of the country. Someone who saved me and who I thought was infinitely strong. So strong that the storms of life couldn’t knock him down.
I feel tears building up in my throat, but I swallow them.
“I’m serious, Kansas!”
Me too.
“None of this concerns you. All this crap...”
Yes, it does, damn it! The words stay with me, even though I want to throw them in his face.
He stares at the white floor tiles, his chest rising and falling rapidly. At some point, he takes a deep breath. “Just go. The day after tomorrow, we’ll go see your mom so you can ask why she left, and everything will be fine.”
Everything will be fine for those who can wait. But I’ve waited far too long, and nothing has turned out well. River will continue to live in his dream world, and I’ll continue to remain silent. Nothing will ever change as long as you wait. I raise my arms in a challenging way, and he reacts. He looks at me and then puts his hands behind his back.
Then I realize that it’s not just the pills that I shouldn’t see.
I slowly walk toward him.
He presses his lips together but remains in front of the porcelain basin. When I’m close enough to him, he wraps hisarms around me. At that moment, it seems like a relief to me. I let him pull me into his chest as he sniffs my hair.
“You smell incredible,” he whispers from above me and rests his forehead against mine. “Like caramel coffee cream. That’s why I fell so madly in love with you.”
I playfully nudge his side.Just because of that?He laughs his rough, strange River laugh.
I relax a little, but not enough to forget his dark aura and the misery in his eyes.
Immortalis the word he used that echoes in my mind. Immortality eternal.
“The day after tomorrow is the opening. Tomorrow, we continue on toward Vegas... to your mom,” he says quietly, his breath tickling my lips. “It’s best you go back to sleep. This will definitely be tiring.” He sounds calm now. Too calm.
