With an uneasy feeling, I break away from him, take a step back, and look at him from top to bottom.
He’s barefoot, wearing his worn jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt, which is unusual. My gaze lingers on his slender fingers. Fine red drops run from under his shirt into his palm. In both palms! And it’s only when River approaches me, frightened, that I notice the blood in the sink.
I feel like the world is suddenly spinning twice as fast. He cut himself.
To come down!
“I told you not to come in! Now you’ve seen what you weren’t supposed to see!” Anger and frustration resonate in his words.
I shake my head wildly and pull up the right sleeve of his shirt with shaking fingers. It’s already wet, and River winces in pain at the movement, but he doesn’t stop me.
When I see the deep cuts, I gasp for breath.Oh my God!There’s so much blood. So much. How could he hurt himself like this?
In a blind panic, I roll up the other sleeve. Here, too, are deep, profusely bleeding cuts.
I shake my head repeatedly as tears well up in my eyes. He said he would only do this when the chaos in his head became too loud.
“That’s why I didn’t want you to come in,” he says now, his voice wavering between exhaustion and rejection. He just stands there with a broken look in his eyes.
I’m losing him. At that moment, it dawns on me. Whatever I do, I’ll lose him. He is something I cannot grasp.
In desperation, I grab his arm and place my cheek on his fresh cuts. More and more tears stream down my face.
“Hey.” He strokes my hair with a tenderness that almost kills me. “These aren’t healing phoenix tears, are they? If so, it would be pretty handy to always have you close to me.”
I could scream because he’s cracking jokes again and being so careful and gentle. I’ll lose him. He’ll jump. Panic fills me. My throat burns so much and not just from the tears. I have no idea how to help him, but I feel more lost in my silent land than ever before.
This is all wrong. I lift my head and look into those unfathomable eyes. Blink. I have to jump to help him now—not at the end of the summer. And not for me, but for him. Because I love him like I’ve never loved anything before. Because I have to save him so he stays with me.
I force a word onto my tongue. I have to say it now. I have to say it even if everything in my head screams against it.Don’t do it! You can never go back. If you speak now, he’ll expect you to say more. The muscles in my throat tense, and sweat trickles down my back. I open my mouth.
I have to reach him somehow.
You can’t go back! Never again!
I stand in the silent land, and the deep fear of the world collapses down on me.
I can’t.
I can’t.
I’m not good enough, not strong enough. I don’t know how to do this—life and everything that comes with it. People will make demands that I can’t meet. They’ll laugh at me.
I form a W with my lips.
Speak!
I feel sick. Red stars dance before my eyes, and I feel my heartbeat thunders in my throat.
“W-wh-why?” I hear myself say hoarsely. The word almost gets stuck in my throat, and the silence that follows solidifies me.
Chapter 21
River is frozen too, but he looks at me like I’m a genie in a magic lamp. His eyes begin to shine.
“You spoke,” he whispers slowly, as if his mind refuses to believe it. Then, louder: “You spoke!”
I nod as if paralyzed.
