Damn it!
As if in slow motion, I run toward him, happy that my trembling knees don’t buckle. My world transformed into a universe of shining suns and a thousand moons. The streetlight above River has him standing in a bright light that looks like a full moon.
“I love you, Tucks,” he repeats when I stand before him, his voice quiet but still angry.
Iloveyoutoo.
I want to say it, I want to scream it, I want to get out of this miserable, silent land, but I can’t. The words dance in my mouth. I can taste them and feel them as my tongue taps against the roof of my mouth, but I can only swallow.
I’ve just been silent for far too long.
I love you too! I mouth the words.
River puts a hand on my cheek. “I don’t know where I belong anymore, Tucks. In your world or the one above the moon. With you or with June. I don’t know anything anymore, and it’s killing me.”
I’d like to take out my cell phone and type,What world over the moon?It sounds like June died, but I don’t want to ask, especially not on a smartphone. This moment doesn’t allow it.
So, I grab his hand, which is still on my cheek, and nuzzle it the way I would like to crawl under his skin.
He loves me. The words flow through every fiber of my being as we walk back to Jake’s Motel without touching each other. Ironically, the gap between us appears larger, as if we were continental plates drifting apart. And even though he said those magical words, the fear inside me grows. It seems like we’re sliding even faster toward an abyss. As if the movement that binds us and divides us, which has long been a force in its own right, has gained even more momentum through the words.
I’m more and more afraid that I won’t be able to stop it anymore.
When we arrive at our motel, River slams the door shut and stands in front of it with his arms dangling. He appears lost and mad.
“If I were selfless, I’d tell you to leave me before things get really bad.”
I have no idea what he means by that, but I walk up to him anyway and grab his arms. It feels like his skin is fire and ice at the same time. He stiffens at the touch, and I drop my hands despondently.
He doesn’t look at me. “Get some sleep, okay? I just need to get some fresh air. Clear my head and stuff.”
He’s going. I know it for sure. Fear springs up in me like sparkling water bubbles. I shake my head violently.You’re not coming back,I write quickly.You’re leaving me alone.
He forces a smile onto his face that looks like it hurts. “No, I won’t,” he whispers, brushing a strand of hair from my forehead. “I promise.”
Swear it!
“I swear.”
Pinkie swear.
“Sure thing, Tucks.”
We hook our little fingers around each other, then he leaves, and I stand all alone in the strange room, feeling terrible, even if he said he loves me. My heart should be brimming with happiness, and I should be dancing like a whirlwind, with music in my ears, like I’m the star of a music video. But all I feel is a cold fear in my bones. It seeps into me like poison and paralyzes me. So much so that I can’t sleep. I wander the room like a zombie. At some point, I spot the bottle of Jack Daniel’s on River’s bedside table and take a few sips, trying to relax, and drink more when it doesn’t work.
I check my phone, but Dad hasn’t texted. I take another sip. After a while, I feel dizzy, lie down on the bed, and close my eyes. I listen in the darkness for the door opening, but it remains gravely silent.
Startled, I bolt upright in bed. Something woke me. Maybe I screamed in my sleep again, but I wasn’t dreaming of anything, was I?
Tense, I look around the room and see a strip of light under the bathroom door. I left the door open earlier, so River must have come back.
Thank God. I feel the tension ease a little. How could I even fall asleep? It was definitely because of the alcohol. But what woke me up?
My eyes fall on my cell phone on the bedside table. The lock screen lights up and displays a notification from Dad. Crap, I forgot to turn it on airplane mode. Maybe it was the beep that woke me up, but if such a tiny sound can wake me from my sleep, then River must have sneak in incredibly quietly. I click on the notification and am taken directly to the message chat. It’s a video message.
I hesitate. Do I actually want to know what Dad has to say?
What I might learn could destroy the dream with River forever. On the other hand, I can probably only help him if I know the truth. I nervously look toward the bathroom door and gently touch the screen with my fingertip.
