“What was that?” I yelled. “I can’t hear you!”
“Cole sucks!” he yelled back.
“What?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
“Cole sucks!” chanted my entire team. “Cole sucks! Cole sucks!”
By the time the chant stopped and we broke our huddle, I was feeling like I could take on the entire world. I hadn’t felt so pumped up since before my final game of high school volleyball.
The blue team was staring at us. For just a second, Chastity and Cole looked a little intimidated.
That’s right, bitches! You’re going down. #ThisIsWar, baby.
This Is War - Chapter 21 – Codpieces and Turtlenecks
Saturday – September 23, 2023
“Princesses, please join me to determine our first event,” said Ocelot into his megaphone. He had gotten off the platform and was now standing in front of a giant prize wheel. Each brightly colored slice of the wheel had a different event written on it.
I tried to read them as I approached. There were a few standard events, like Tug of War, Dizzy Bat, and the Sack Race. But then there were some that I didn’t recognize.What the hell is Angry Swans? And Codpieces and Turtlenecks?Surprisingly, none of the events sounded like things that would make me end up naked.
“Since the blue team are the reigning champions, red gets first spin. Princess Raven, please get us started.” He stepped aside so everyone could see the full wheel.
I was worried I’d look like an idiot and not be able to spin the wheel properly. But after spending way too many afternoons of my childhood watchingThe Price is Right,I knew the proper technique. I stood on my tippy toes and grabbed as high up on the wheel as I could. And then I put all my force into spinning it downward.
I was relieved when it actually worked. The wheel spun and spun and spun. It almost landed on Codpieces and Turtlenecks, but instead it clicked over to the Egg Relay Race.
Okay, I can work with that.I’d been a beast at egg races back in elementary school. As far as I could remember, I’d never dropped the egg. And I wasn’t about to break that streak now.
We had to field two girls and two guys, so I volunteered to be one of the girls. Isadora volunteered to be the other. I was a little worried that she’d severely injure her giant breasts by running in a bikini rather than a sports bra, but if she thought she could do it, then I guess I had to trust her.
There was no shortage of male volunteers, but ultimately I chose Tanner and Diablo. The running order was: Diablo, Me, Isadora, and Tanner as our anchor. My reasoning was that I wanted to get out to a quick start.
It didn’t quite work out that way.
The second I saw the spoon in Diablo’s hand, I knew I had made a mistake. His hands were so big that him holding the perfectly normal sized spoon looked like an average person holding one of those little plastic spoons that you’d get with an easy bake oven.
I must have given him a worried look, because he turned to me and winked. “Don’t worry, Princess. I got this.”
No. No, he didn’t.
Especially because he was staring suggestively at my breasts instead of focusing.Oh.He was saying he was going to getme. Or maybe he was talking about the egg race. I had no idea.
Ocelot fired the starter gun. Diablo took off in a dead sprint, while the blue team’s first guy took a much more measuredapproach. Unsurprisingly, Diablo’s egg fell off his spoon before he had taken three steps. I cringed as the egg splattered on the ground.What kind of monster decided to have a race with raw eggs? Why not like…water balloons? Or stress balls? Or literally anything else?
“Dude, what the hell?” I yelled as Diablo came back to get another egg. “You can’t go full speed!”
“I only have one speed. In both egg races and fucking.”
Damn it, Diablo!“Please just slow down.”
“I got this,” he said. But he took my advice a little too seriously. Instead of sprinting for his second try, he walked at a pace that was slightly faster than an old dude with a cane. To his credit, though, he did keep the egg on his spoon. But come on! Why did he volunteer for this if he was so freaking terrible at it?
“This is a nightmare,” I said to Tanner. “Do you have any spy tech we could use to turn the tide in our favor?”
“Nope. But I have something even better.” He snapped his fingers and Nigel rushed over to his side.
I hadn’t seen him before. But now I don’t know how I’d missed him. He was dressed in a red cotton onesie that looked straight out of the early 1900s.
