Then she made a hand gesture with her free hand that I happened to know wasn’t a victory salute.At least not in England.
“You see?”I roared at Mal.“Do you see the bullshit I have to put up with?”
Mal muffled his laughter.“Do you seriously not see the sexual tension bubbling between the two of you?”
“Fuck off.”I stomped back onstage to wait for Alice to reassemble my drums.
* * *
“You doing okay?”Mal asked as he sidled up to me a few hours later in the greenroom.He’d given me time to cool off, unlike some people who seemed to enjoy needling me.
I hitched my shoulder.“I don’t know why this is so hard this time around.I mean I toured at only six months clean, and I wasn’t this twitchy then.”
“The program was fresher in your head then.And so were the consequences.Plus, you had Ford with you.”
I grunted in reply.It’d felt so demoralizing at first to literally have a babysitter along, watching my every move, but Ford had turned into a pretty awesome friend.“Maybe I should give him a call.”
“If you feel like you need to, absolutely.You have so many people in your corner rooting for you.Literally lining up to pay to see you.You’ve got this.Trust the steps.Trust the program.Lean on people when you need to.You can do this.”
“Thanks, Mal.”
“You up for a meeting after the show?”
I smiled and shook my head.He was always pushing me to go to meetings with him.“I have to make an appearance at the afterparty, but sure.After.”
“Good.Less time at the afterparty, the better.”
“No doubt.”
“But, uh, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about if you’ve got a minute.”
I watched the bustling people in the greenroom—Chase on the couch feeling up his wife’s burgeoning tummy, Ella taking pictures of Jesse sitting in the makeup chair getting his guyliner touched up while Jesse tried to look cool (really he just looked in love with his wife), Xander arguing with someone from wardrobe over a sparkly top he definitely wouldn’t be wearing today while Harper argued with a roadie in the doorway.Since it was still early, we hadn’t let any media or contest winners in yet.Only family and close friends.Chase’s mom, Shay’s sisters, and Xander’s family took up one corner, chatting and laughing.I gave Liam a wave, but he was busy talking with Grady.The only person from my life that was here was Mal.
And wasn’t that just a little bit sad?
The only person who showed up for my residency kickoff was my NA sponsor.
“I’ve got lots of minutes.”I sighed.“What’s on your mind, Mal?”
“Just…I’ve been thinking about something since soundcheck earlier.And I’m wondering how honest you’d been in step eight.”
“My amends list?”
“Yeah.”
“What about it?”My amends list was imprinted on my brain.Every time I thought of using again, I thought about all the relationships I’d almost killed.The people I’d hurt and how they’d feel if I picked up that needle again.
Mal shifted his weight.“I think there’s someone you might’ve left off.”
“Who?”
“I didn’t see Alice’s name on your list.”
“Alice?”
Given the way everyone turned to look at me, I might’ve said her name a little loud.
Hunching my shoulders, I turned to Mal and hissed, “Why the hell would I put Alice’s name on my list?”
