My heart leaped. After a dozen years, there it was. Both of us declaring our love. Quietly. After all the history and turmoil, it made sense that the words were hushed, uttered in the sterile white midst of a hospital waiting room. Because our love still had to be tentative and careful, marked as it was by the chaos around us.
I didn’t know how to love Deck loudly yet. Couldn’t love him in full color. I wasn’t ready. After loving him silently for so long, it would take more than a few hours to feel different.
“I love you,” I continued. “Except you deserve to know that every instinct in me is screaming to be alone right now. Because that feels like control.” I squeezed his palm as my thoughts came together in real time. “You know, you’re the only person I’ve everallowed to see me struggle like this. I haven’t had that for years, being my full messy self in front of anyone.”
“Not even Britta and Marcus?”
“No. I only just told them about Chi-chi.”
Remorse flashed across his features. “I regret it so much, staying away these past few years. Or even when I was inside, I could have answered your letters.” His thumb brushed back and forth over mine. “I can’t go back and change it. But I can stop making the same mistake.” He lifted our joined hands to kiss my knuckles softly. “I’m not going to push you away anymore, Cori. Never again. I’ll give you space if that’s what you need, but I’m not going anywhere. Not when you’re telling me you love me and the thing holding you back is all the bullshit you’re dealing with in the moment. Hard times pass. And when this does, I’ll be here waiting for you, ready to explore this next chapter between us.”
I rested my head on his shoulder. “Do you know what I did after you went to prison?”
He chuffed. “Finished high school, finished college, and became a badass rock star in the business world.”
I smiled. “Besides that?”
He angled his neck to kiss the top of my head. “What are you driving at?”
I untangled our fingers and stood. A small window looked out onto the hospital parking lot. Pressing my shoulder into the wall, I stared out of it. “After you ignored my letters, I let go of my little girl fantasies. I gave up. Moved on. I wasn’t pining, wasn’t waiting for you to come back into my life. Because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Because growing up, I’d learned that nothing is fair, and for damned sure nothing is guaranteed. Over the years, there were times when I thought of you. Of course I did. I’d never felt so in tune with anyone, and once that was gone, I missed it. Because even with all the fucked-up shit, my mom, the drugs, Chi-chi, whatever, something still felt innocentabout all the times we spent together. The last of that innocence didn’t end when Chi-chi pulled out his nasty dick. It ended when you got shoved in the back of that cop car—”
“I saw your eyes that day,” Deck interrupted gruffly. “The way you looked at me, I thought you hated me.”
Turning from the window, I stared at him. “There was a split second when I thought maybe I did. But what I really hated was that the last bitter hopes of my little girl dreams rode away with you.”
His eyes clouded. “I remember riding to the station. There was so much blood on me. I’d never felt so filthy.”
“It was a terrible night. Adefiningnight.” I sat back down next to him and entwined our fingers again. “But what I loved about you when we were kids still stands. You’re a good man. You want to take care of people and do the right things. And I can see how much you’ve grown. How you’ve overcome some of the worst impulses you had as a teenager.”
He swallowed audibly. “I think about it sometimes. That I nearly beat someone to death. I hope and pray I’m not that person anymore.”
“I have faith you’re not. But it doesn’t change the fact that, as far as our history goes, I’m just as affected by the experience of forcing myself to let you go as I am by loving you.”
“And I got good at pretending not to love you,” he said sagely. “We both have baggage to untangle."
“That’s right. We’ve waited our whole lives to be together. I don’t want to fuck up the opportunity by trying to put a label on our relationship while all this other stuff is going on.”
He chortled glumly. “It’s hard to believe that it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since Jayden tried to rob the store.”
“Gawd,” I breathed out. “Isn’t that the truth?” I brought my knee up to rest my chin on it. “But I meant what I said. I loveyou. Being with you last night felt like taking back some of that innocence I lost.” I stared out the tiny window again.
“Where does that leave us?” he asked.
“I’m not in a place right now where I can think clearly about how to move forward. And I’ve never been more terrified in my life that I might fail at something. It’s hard to trust it when it’s so new.”
“You don’t trust me?”
“No, Deck.” I volleyed a finger between us. “It’s this I don’t trust. Not yet. But I could. If we give it time and take it slow. I could trust it. I want to.” Sadness weighed my voice. “I know I’m such an idiot. Getting the thing I’ve always wanted most and then not knowing what to do with it.”
“You’re not an idiot,” he said firmly. “If you need to step back from us as a couple right now to focus on Johnny, or just to get your head on straight, I can respect that. One thing I owe you, maybe more than anything, is time.”
“Thank you.”
I thought about how I’d asked Marcus to settle for less than he deserved. No way could I do that to Deck. “I want to get this right, Deck. You deserve to be loved the right way.”
“Mi amor”—He grabbed my chin—“I loved you every day I was locked up and every day since I’ve been out. You’ve always loved me the right way. You’ve always loved me better than anyone else.”
The sincerity shone in his eyes. I saw the boy in him, even as the man he was always meant to be said the perfect thing.
