I waited until Pete had shut the door firmly behind him before kneeling in front of Renn. I placed my palms on his thighs. “What do you need, baby?” We hardly ever used pet names, and it did the trick of waking him up.
“I don’t know.”
As I rested my hands on Renn, I thought to myself that this crisis could not have come at a worse time. He was already on edge and had been volatile for months. Pushing things to the back burner and putting on a cheerful face would not work here, especially since Pete wanted to tell Gage the truth.
“It’s weird.” Renn shook his head. “For the past few hours, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the fact that my brother is actually my cousin.”
I didn’t know what to say to him. I’d learned these past few weeks that I had no idea how to talk to Renn. Not about something like this.
I approached cautiously. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now, when this is so fresh, but it’s just biology. Gage is your brother in every way that counts. Not to mention you’ve been more like a father to him the past six years. So much of this is semantics.”
Renn put his hands on top of mine. “I appreciate you saying that, trying to make it better, but I think I should be alone for a while. To process everything.”
I frowned at Renn’s code forI’m feeling very emotional and I hate it when you see me like that.
“If you want some space right now, I’ll respect it, but we’re going to need to talk about all this eventually.” I tried to keep my voice level but got a little feisty at the end.
Renn stood up at the same moment I did. “Sadie, it’s fine. I just need time to figure out my next move.”
“Yeah. But sometimes there is no next move. You can’t always deal with your shit by attempting to stay one step ahead of it. After a while, that stops working.”
“I think I’ve done okay so far.”
This had gone on long enough. We couldn’t keep going in circles, having this same fight. Pete was right. Renn needed a push. To face actual reality, not just exist in the reality he carefully curated. Even if it hurt. Something had to change.
“Really?” I countered. “You think it’s okay you feel tortured every time someone mentions your dad, or that you can’t be in the same room with your uncle without the threat of war? I don’t think you realize how much bottling everything up makes it all worse. Believe me, I learned with Henri that you can’t just get over things by ignoring them.”
“Can we please, please, please—just for fucking once—not compare everything bad that happens to your time with Henri!? I get it. That guy sucked. But not everything is about that!”
I recoiled like he’d slapped me. I had been so eager to tell Renn about my takedown of Henri earlier. Instead, I felt Renn flipping all the switches Henri had installed. The ones that would always be there, as long as I had my memories. That’s what Renn didn’t seem to understand—there was no moving on from your past. There was just trying to find a better way to live with it as you moved forward.
“That was a low blow.” I pivoted in an attempt to salvage the situation. “But I’m telling you, as someone who loves you, that you are not okay. I’ve been worried about you for months.”
“Well, I’m fine. Just stop worrying. Problem solved.” Renn crossed his arms, and it was the first time in a long while I felt every one of those eleven years I had on him.
I tried a different tactic. “Even if that were true—and it definitely isn’t—what about Robbie? He isn’t dealing with his stuff either, and he’s learning that from you.”
“Don’t bring Robbie into this! Or how I’m handling him. Talk about a low blow.”
“Are you kidding me?” I waved my arms in the air, practically spinning in frustration. “I’m supposed to be your girlfriend. We see each other every day. Don’t I deserve to have an opinion on the boys, especially now?”
He seemed to contemplate my question, distracting him from his anger. “I don’t know,” he ground out, running a hand through his loose hair. “I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Renn, do you want to be with me, like, for real?”
“What is that supposed to mean? You know how much I love you.”
“I do. These past months have been magical, the best time of my life. But we are sort of at a crossroads here.” I was afraid to utter the next words, but they needed to be spoken out loud. “You have to see that we shouldn’t be together if you can’t let me support you, or even admit when you’re hurting. And if you’re just going to dismiss my concerns when I have them or try to convince me I’m not seeing what is obvious to literally everyone around you, I can’t accept that.”
He looked at me, anger in his eyes battling with fear. I knew he didn’t want to lose me, but did he want that enough to let me in?
“I love you, Sadie. I want to be with you.”
I tried yet another angle. “Archie told me you were pretty angry before we got together, ever since you found out about Pete and Mary.”
“I kind of wish Archie would keep his fat nose out of our business, but that’s a fair statement. It’s why we belong together. I was miserable without you, but you’ve brought so much happiness into my life…not to mention mind-blowing sex.”
He waggled his eyebrows at me, trying to bring levity into the situation, but I knew his tricks by now. I frowned. “That’s just it. Being with me helps you fool yourself into playing pretend, into convincing yourself everything is fine.”
