He pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. “You’re overthinking, Sadie. What does that even mean?”
“It means that if you won’t talk to me, then I’m just distracting you from dealing with the actual issues in your life.”
Since we’d started dating, Renn had compulsively supported me—accepting why I’d run away the first time, being patient with my sexual hesitancy, advocating for the surrogacy, protecting me when we’d run into Henri. With each turn, he’d done everything in his power to safeguard my heart and feelings. But when it was his turn to be exposed and need help, he would not go there.
I toyed with the idea of giving Renn more time. But then I thought of the beautiful lotus Robbie had given me, my keychain from Gage, all the memories I’d already made with the boys. It wasn’t fair to them for me to enable Renn’s destructive behavior. One of us had to stop playacting, and the more we dragged it out, the harder it would be for everyone.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Renn sounded incredulous.
“I think I have to,” I whispered. “I love you so much, but I might not be good for you. At least not right now.” Henri had made a game of shutting me out. Renn had made an art of not letting me in. The situations were diametrically different, and yet the same truth remained.
“Renn, it’s not okay for me to accept so little of you.”
“Are you serious?” He turned toward me and started waving his arms. “Today of all days!? When I had that shit meeting with Robbie’s counselor, dealt with my mom, and found out about Gage?”
The accusation in his voice washed over me like acid. I was sure we were both remembering the last time I’d left him, the day a faded red envelope had blown up his family. This situation felt eerily similar, and I realized with sadness that we hadn’t come nearly as far as I’d thought we had.
I sighed and looked around Studio Obscurum, nostalgic for those first easy months of knowing him. “It’s a strange day for me too, Renn. This doesn’t compare to what you’ve been through, but Henri actually came to Chester’s this afternoon looking for me.”
As though we weren’t on the verge of ending our relationship, Renn reached for me. I put up my hand and stepped back. “No. I’m okay. I let Henri talk and then I said some things before I told him to go away and never come back. And I’m glad I got a chance to say those things to him. They needed to be said.”
“I wish I could have seen you. I bet it was impressive…And I’m sorry for what I said earlier…about you making everything about Henri.” He reached for me again, and this time I let him clasp my fingers. “Fuck, Sadie. You know I didn’t mean it.”
“I do. And I want you to know that all I could think about after speaking to him was getting to you, to tell you all about it, mostly because I realized how good of a man you are, and how lucky I am that you love me.”
“But you don’t want to be with me?”
“More than anything, Renn. But not like this. Not when you can’t talk to me. When I’m holding you back. I know you don’t see it that way, but I feel it. I’d rather walk away from you now than get to a point where you resent me for needing more than you’re willing to give—because that’s where we’re headed. It just took me a minute to see it.”
“Shit.” I thought Renn might have said more, but he was clearly overwhelmed with everything that had happened. “Today of all days.” He dropped my hand, shaking his head.
“It’s better that it’s today, Renn. With everything else going on, with the heavy stuff you need to tell the boys, this will be the least of your worries.”
“I fought for you so hard the last time. But I just…can’t right now,” he said. “It’s too much.”
“This is different. Last time was about me, how I wasn’t in a place to be with someone. This time it’s about you. I hope someday you’ll be ready—truly ready—to share all the parts of yourself. I hope you’ll let someone love you enough to lean on them, especially if you’re hurting. I wanted to be that girl. Because that’s the way I love you. Enough to let you love me back.”
He didn’t have an answer for that. There wasn’t one. I grabbed my bag and walked out.
CHAPTER
Twenty-Four
March 23, 2016
From: [email protected]
Hey Archie,
I had to do it.
I know you were hoping I could help Renn be happy again. And I really tried. But I’m not what he needs right now. He needs to confront his demons, and I hope with me gone he’ll be forced to acknowledge that. I understand what it’s like to live half a life, to be stuck in place. I don’t want that for Renn. And I’ve come too far since Boston to settle for it in my own relationship.
Walking away this time was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Knowing I’m taking one more precious thing away from Renn. But I’m betting that losing me will shake him, and he’ll decide to fight harder for everything else.
Take care of him, Archie. Because I’m going to love him forever.