Page 100 of The Outline


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Thank you for being a friend, *humGolden Girlstheme song here*

Sadie

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Sadie,

I understand. I saw the same things you did. He’s getting worse.

For what it’s worth, I think there’s a good chance your sacrifice will be worth it. It’s only been a day and I’ve already seen some signs losing you will be the reckoning he’s needed.

Since Thomas died, you’re really the only thing Renn has ever wanted for himself. Every other important piece of his life was basically inherited or thrust upon him. I remember the first time he told me about you, that he had a potential new client who was so funny and snarky and cool in her DMs. You lit him up from the start. He might have been half in love with you before he’d even seen your face. I’m glad he had you, if only for a short while.

Take care of yourself. And when it comes to Renn—maybe keep the door open?

With Respect,

Archie

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

I’ll try.

Late April 2016

Amonth had goneby since I’d walked away from Renn. I remained entrenched in the post-breakup limbo state, second-guessing my decision, remembering the good times and crushed by the knowledge there would be no new memories. I couldn’t go any significant stretch of time without thinking about him, and even though those thoughts were torture, it was the only way I had him in my life right now, so I couldn’t give them up.

I considered Archie’s email as well. Should I keep the door open for Renn? Archie was optimistic that my leaving would be Renn’s wake-up call. Maybe I could just wait until he was in a better place. I loved him, and he had essentially waited for me before. But if I pined with no expiration date, was I just wasting away and putting myself in a new sort of holding pattern?

Four weeks after I walked out of Studio Obscurum, still unsure, I found myself in the place where so many of my choices got hashed out. Across from Zach.

He’d insisted we meet at a coffee shop near his house. When I arrived, he’d already ordered for both of us, and I barely avoided a spit take when I sipped from my cup.

“Dude, are you mad at me? What is this nastiness?” Zach knew full well I liked a plain black coffee with stevia.

“What?” He shrugged. “It’s a salted caramel cream espresso flat foam extra hot something or other. The house specialty.”

I sniffed the cup and made a face. “Just…why?”

“Sorry, doll. I asked the barista to give me two of whatever her favorite is. I’m still getting to know the area. It’ll never truly be my neighborhood until I’m in with the local coffee shop crew.”

It was weird to see Zach insecure about anything, let alone something so inconsequential as befriending the nearby baristas. The fits and starts in his quest toward fatherhood and lasting domesticity with Teddy had exposed a side to him that hadn’t been there when he was just a single bartender living his best unencumbered life. But I’d also never seen him happier, so I was determined to ease his mind. “Babe, they’re gonna love you no matter what you order. Just don’t wear that shiny green leather harness thingy you bought at Pride last year until they know you better.” I winked. “It makes you look like a leprechaun Dom.”

“I only bought that because you dared me. Also, a leprechaun Dom sounds awesome.”

“You know what—you’re right.” I laughed. “Definitely wear the harness next time.”

He smirked. “Duly noted. Now please tell me why we had to meet so urgently. Are you still stuck on Archie’s email?”

He understood me so well. “Yep. I’m at a crossroads. My heart wants to be with Renn, which means I should give him time, but my brain tells me I’ve worked too hard to put my life on pause again.”

Zach considered my words, rotating his cup absently in front of him as he leaned back in his chair. “You know…if you waited, you wouldn’t be putting your whole life on pause. Just one part of it.”

“I know…I know…”