ME:Totally fine about meeting later. That’s not weird. But texting in full sentences, complete with punctuation, that’s a little weird.
RENN:LOL srry SYL8R
I chuckled at Renn’s text and replied with a smiley emoji before putting my phone away. “Well, Zach, this delay may be a good thing because it’s clear you really need to talk to me about something. And you better actually fucking tell me as opposed to giving me a bunch of hints and codes of conduct related to how I should react to whatever it is you have to say.”
He smiled at me and put two fingers to his forehead in a mock salute. “You’re right, doll. This conversation deserves a latte and a sit-down.”
Twenty minutes later we tucked into a corner table at Starbucks. Zach had magic coffeeshop karma whereby, whenever he walked in, the best and most comfortable chairs would suddenly become available. Meanwhile, I was lucky if I got the lid back on properly after dumping two stevias in my cup.
I had only been sitting a nanosecond before he started talking.
“Do you ever see yourself having kids?”
I nearly spit out my coffee. “Jesus, Zach.” Recovering, I set my cup down on the table. “Let a girl get comfortable and figure out the least disgusting patch of floor to put her purse down on before you ask her to contemplate her biological clock.”
“What are you, an animal? Hang it on the back of the chair.”
“Can’t. The shoulder strap snapped and the short handles aren’t big enough. And before you tell me to balance it on my lap, just shut your face and don’t worry about it. I regularly shove it behind the bar at Hal’s. I have no hope that my purse bottom isn’t covered by all manner of bodily fluids, rotting food particles, and illicit chemicals. That’s why I buy them cheap.”
“Delightful.”
“It’s what you get for reminding me of my womb before noon.” I shook my head at him. “This is what you wanted to discuss? That you think I should have kids? Or was it that you think Ishouldn’thave kids?”
As a woman living in the world, of course I’d imagined the prospect of motherhood. I had never pictured a future without some murky idea of children in it. Henri and I had always talked about it as something we’d consider seriously after I turned thirty, but we never did. Yet another casualty of those wasted years.Darling, I’m not ready to be a father now. You wouldn’t want to give up our freedom too soon, would you?
“I wasn’t trying to start anything, doll. It kinda came out because…well—not to shock you—but I’ve been thinking lately that I’m ready to be a parent.”
Waitholdupwhat?I was floored. Zach had never once mentioned wanting kids. I guess this explained why he’d been so interested in making googly eyes at every baby in Silver Lake on our walk a few months ago.
“Wow,” I said dumbly, understanding why he’d been trying to manage my reaction in the car earlier.
“I never really thought of myself as the husband and family type of gay, but now that I’ve met Teddy, and honestly even before that, I’m reevaluating lots of things.”
“Of course you are, silly.” I recovered my voice. “It makes sense you’re starting to think of it, since we’re getting older. Hell, you’re pretty close to joining AARP, aren’t you?”
“I’m only thirty-seven,fuckyouverymuch.” His cheek ticked up and he sipped his drink absently. “But I’ve gone most of my life without contemplating parenthood, and now all of a sudden it’s on my mind constantly. Do you think that’s strange?”
I offered a slight smile. “I mean, it would be concerning if you were already interviewing daycares and collecting Thomas the Train toys, but I think a general evolution of your thought process is okay.”
“Truly?” He looked at me searchingly, so foreign from his usual self-assuredness. I felt a bit unglued. He was the sherpa, I was the ill-prepared hiker. That was our dynamic. But I stepped up as best I could.
“Honestly, Zach, I doubt these thoughts are out of the blue. Things just sort of…change sometimes, and you don’t even realize it. Like, ten years ago you were a bartender at Hal’s and now you’re a few months away from owning the place. And as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been an unapologetic little fuckboy…” I raised an eyebrow, daring him to disagree, but he merely grinned at me, recovering some of his swagger as he shrugged. “But since meeting Teddy you’ve done a one-eighty.”
“Your point?”
“That people change…goals change…dreams change…you can’t map your entire life at age twenty-five. You’re not locked into whatever dumb shit you said five years out of high school.” I placed my hand on top of his across the table. “And I’m so glad you asked my opinion on this, because I know for a fact, you’d make a wonderful father. I mean, you’ve been taking care of me for ages.”
He nodded but kept nervously circling the straw in his iced latte, so I knew there must be something more he had to say.
“God…” he began. “I’d really like to think I could have a kid, but…how does that even work?”
I chortled. “How does it work? Ah…I can see it’s time forthe talk.” Dramatically steepling my fingers in front of me, I cleared my throat with a delicate cough. “Well…ahem…Zach…when a man and another man love each other very much, they give each other a special kind of hug. It’s special because they touch each other, even with their bathing suit parts—”
“Fucker.” He took his straw out of the cup and flicked it toward me, drops of coffee narrowly missing my t-shirt, vintage MC5 from my collection.
“No, seriously.” I dabbed at the table with a napkin. “I realize you’ll need to consider the logistics, but you guys have been together what—two months? The first step is probably to decide if it’s something you both want…I mean, assuming you’re considering doing this as a couple?”
“Definitely a couple. Being with Teddy is what made me start imagining white picket fence shit. But he’s also forty-one years old, so, once we decide, things are probably gonna move quickly.”
