“Well, that was before I saw you two together. Nothing ambiguous. The way he was looking at you…you’re lucky the hallway didn’t catch fire.”
“Zach—”
“No. Hear me out. Just keep your mind open, truly open, to this possibility. You deserve to have someone who looks at you like that, Sades.”
We both started getting ready for work. My morning clarity continued through my shift at Hal’s. As I mixed drinks and wiped down glasses, I finally had the certainty that this gig was just one stop on a longer, more fulfilling road. I was a bartender today, but I was also someone seeking to be not-a-bartender as well. The little voice inside me that had been providing a constant negative commentary for almost a decade had been quiet during the party. Sure, the self-doubt remained, hovering at the edges, and I still heard it on the regular, but if last night had proven anything, it was that I’d finally developed at least some ability to tell Henri-in-my-head to just shut the hell up.
Maybe Zach was right. All signs pointed to the fact that I was healing more every day. Even if I wasn’t ready now, maybe I would be soon.
CHAPTER
Four
December 21, 2014
Zach had torun some errands near Studio Obscurum the same Sunday as my next appointment, so he offered to drive me and pick me up. I happily agreed because this plan served the dual purposes of access to the carpool lanes and distraction from overthinking about how this was the first time I’d be seeing Renn since the fundraiser two weeks ago. I had assumed Zach would entertain me with stories about whatever shenanigans he’d gotten up to this week, but he seemed uncharacteristically serious from the outset. That he had his own reasons for wanting us to ride together became clear fifteen minutes into the drive, when he turned down KROQ and angled his head toward me.
“Sadie, I need to get your opinion on something, but I’d like it if you don’t ask too many questions or try to dissect why I’m asking.”
I was intrigued. “Okaaaaaaaay.”
“Seriously, just because I mention an idea or want your thoughts on it doesn’t mean anything definitive is happening.” He exhaled a deep breath. “It’s only talking, you know?”
I veered quickly from intrigued into concerned territory. “Zach, what’s going on?”
“Don’t worry. Nothing’s wrong. I’ve been contemplating certain things, and it’s time to get the best friend opinion.”
“Alright, if no one’s dying and there’s nothing to worry about, you should just tell me.”
“You’re probably gonna think this is coming out of left field, especially since you’ve heard every dumb thing that’s come out of my mouth for over a decade, so I want to remind you that people can and do change.” He emphasized this point with the slow removal of his sunglasses, using the opportunity of a red light to look me in the eye.
“I know that. Of courseIdo, after this past year. Now what’s up?”
Zach gripped the steering wheel and returned his gaze to the road, tapping his left foot against the car floor nervously. He opened his mouth and closed it a few times, looking like an intoxicated goldfish, before words started coming out. “Well, ever since Larry and I talked about me buying the bar, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future—”
My phone buzzing in my hand interrupted us. I looked down to see several texts come through in quick succession.
RENN:I am so sorry but I need to push back our appointment by an hour.
RENN:I hate being unprofessional, but I have a conflict that will keep me from getting to the studio on time.
RENN:I promise I tried to avoid it. I hope I’m not letting you down.
RENN:So I’ll see you at 11 instead of 10. I know I said we’d finish close to 2, but it might need to be 3. If that’s a problem we can figure it out the next appt.
RENN:Again, I’m so sorry. *sad face emoji*
Zach glanced at me. “What’s up?”
“Nothing really. Renn needs to push our appointment back by an hour. No big deal, but he seems super worried I’m upset by it.”
“Are you?”
“Course not. Stuff happens. How many times have I been late for a shift? He just takes a lot of pride in his work and doing things right.” I’d only known Renn a matter of months, but it was long enough to ascertain he was hard on himself. “Are you okay with picking me up closer to three?” Zach nodded.
ME:Don’t worry about it. I don’t work until tonight so can stay if we need to. See you at 11.
RENN:Thanks. Sorry for all the texts, for being weird about it. You’re the best. *smiley face emoji*
