Page 21 of The Outline


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“Do you know how he feels?”

“We’ve mostly talked in theoreticals, but he wants a family.”

“I can’t believe you guys are already discussing this stuff.”

“I get it. It sounds crazy fast. But I’ve been with a lot of people and there’s just something about him. It’s like that old cliché—when you know, you know.”

“Wow. That’s amazing.” Even though it meant losing my most favored nation status in Zach’s life, I couldn’t help but be happy for him. I was grateful I got such a good vibe from Teddy. It would have sucked if my best friend found his soulmate and we hated each other.

I had sudden sympathy for what it must have been like for Zach to watch me fall under Henri’s spell. I recoiled at the memories of late-night, time-difference-challenged calls where Zach had tried to help me see the light. He would always stop short of badmouthing Henri so much I’d cut him off completely, but his aversion had been unmistakable.

When he’d visited me in Boston, he and Henri had been combative enough that Zach had always checked into a hotel rather than stay in our spare room. In the eight years we’d been a couple, Henri had never insisted I end my friendship with Zach entirely, but I could recall many derogatory comments. Henri had often pitted himself against Zach and forced me to choose sides—from serious things—Oh I see how it is darling, your precious friend thinks it’s a bad idea for us to move in together and you value his opinion more than mine—to less serious things—Darling, you can’t still be rooting for the Seahawks because they’re Zach’s team. This is Patriots country.

Two summers before the New Year’s incident that ended my relationship with Henri for good, Zach had come to Boston for a long weekend. Henri generally saved his more cutting verbal assaults for when we were alone, but the regularity of Zach’s visits caused him to lower his façade. That weekend, Henri had been vile to me while the three of us were out at a bar. He’d accused me of “slutting it up” and putting my “big soft titties” on display for the bartender. Angrily demanding Henri treat me with more respect, Zach had almost thrown a punch before insisting he and I go outside for fresh air. On the sidewalk, he’d begged me to come back to his hotel, to get some distance. But Henri had followed us, sheepish and all apologies, reasoning that he was only jealous because he loved me so much. Zach had nodded sadly as I’d made excuses for Henri’s behavior and gone home with him.

I was nowhere near where I’d been before meeting Henri—even if that girl had been lost and directionless, at least she’d been young and vibrant—but I was getting there, feeling spicier every day.

“Hey, doll…”

Oh right, I was still in Starbucks, not actually living in my head. “Yeah?”

“I need to confess something to you, because I have to tell somebody, but I don’t want to come off like a total asshole.” Ah…here was part two, whatever had Zach taking his nerves out on a defenseless straw.

“Babe, there is literally nothing you can say that would make me think that.”

He nodded, more to himself than me. “Alright…you know how I said I wanted kids but wasn’t sure of the logistics?”

“Um hmm.”

“Well…jokes about special hugs aside…and again, please don’t judge me for this…but I don’t think I want to adopt an older child.”

“Okay.” I scrunched my face in confusion.

“A lot of guys—hell, a lot of my friends or friends of friends—they make families by being foster parents and then adopting older kids, or even straight to the adopting part. But that’s not what I envision.”

“Alright, Zach, but I’m still not sure how that makes you an asshole?”

“Maybe because I want a baby—an actual peeing, pooping, burping, giggling baby that I raise all the way up from the day it’s born. If I’m gonna be a dad, I’d like the complete experience.”

“Thatmakes you an asshole?”

“I mean, it seems greedy to want that when so many kids out there could benefit from having a good foster situation or being adopted. Like the liquor guy from Hal’s. He and his partner just adopted a twelve-year-old.”

“Just so I’m clear—your thesis is that it’s greedy to want a baby and not an older child?”

Zach sort of shrugged his shoulders and looked at me. “Yes?”

“So, by that rationale, every heterosexual couple that has a kid are greedy assholes.”

“I mean, obviously it’s a double standard, but—”

“Zach, it’s okay for you to want a baby. It’s actually good that you understand that about yourself. So, if you decide to start this with Teddy, whenever the time is right, you can articulate exactly what you want.”

“It might limit our options.”

“Look, based on what I saw at theHouse Party of Hope…” I borrowed Teddy’s air quotes. “Teddy has enough money to make this process a little easier for you than it might otherwise be, assuming it’s something you decide to pursue.”

“Well, now I do feel like an asshole. As in, Teddy’s loaded so we can get a baby. Like, sorry, working-class gays, sucks to be you.”