We went down to the porch and sat on a lounge chair.
Without preamble, I said, quietly, “Last night Conrad told me he still has feelings for me.”
I could feel Jeremiah’s body go rigid beside me. I waited for him to speak, and when he didn’t, I went on. “Of course I told him I didn’t feel the same way. I wanted to tell you sooner, but then I thought it would be a mistake, that I should keep it to myself—”
“I’m going to kill him,” he said, and hearing thosewords coming out of his mouth shocked me. He stood up.
I tried to pull him back down next to me, but he resisted. I pleaded, “Jere, no. Don’t. Please just sit here and talk to me.”
“Why are you protecting him?”
“I’m—I’m not. I’m not.”
He looked down at me. “Are you marrying me to erase him?”
“No,” I said, and it came out more like a gasp. “No.”
“The thing is, Bells, I don’t believe you,” Jeremiah said, and his voice was strangely flat. “I see the way you look at him. I don’t think you’ve ever looked at me like that. Not even once.”
I jumped up and grabbed at his hands desperately, but he pulled away. I was breathing hard when I said, “That’s not true, Jere. It’s not true at all. What I feel for him is all memories. That’s it. It has nothing to do with us. All that’s in the past. Can’t we just forget the past and make our own future? Just the two of us?”
Levelly, he said, “Is it the past? I know you saw him over Christmas. I know you guys were together here.”
I opened my mouth, but no words came out.
“Say something. Go ahead, try to deny it.”
“Nothing happened between us, Jere. I promise you. I didn’t even know he was gonna be here. The only reason I didn’t tell you was—” What was it? Why didn’t I tellhim? Why couldn’t I think of a reason? “I didn’t want you to be upset over nothing.”
“If it was nothing, you would have told me about it. Instead you kept it a secret. After all that stuff you said to me about trust, you kept that to yourself. I felt like shit for what I did with Lacie, and you and I weren’t even together when it happened.”
I felt sick inside. “How long have you known?”
“Does it matter?” he snapped.
“Yes, to me it does.”
Jeremiah started to back away from me. “I’ve known since it happened. Conrad mentioned he saw you, he thought I already knew. So of course I had to play it off like I did. Do you know how stupid I felt?”
“I can imagine,” I whispered. “Why didn’t you say something?” We were standing only five or six feet away from each other, but it felt like miles. It was his eyes. They were so distant.
“I was waiting for you to tell me. And you never did.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have told you. I was wrong.” It was stupid. My heart was beating so fast. “I love you. We’re getting married tomorrow. Me and you, right?”
When he didn’t answer me, I asked again. “Aren’t we?”
“I’ve got to get out of here,” he said at last. “I need to think.”
“Can I come with you?”
This time the answer came swiftly, and it was devastating. “No,” he said.
He left, and I didn’t try to follow him. I just sank onto the steps. I couldn’t feel my legs. I couldn’t feel my body. Was this happening? Was this real? It didn’t feel real.
chapterfifty-three
Somewhere outside, a goldfinch was singing. Or maybe it was a song sparrow. My dad had tried to teach me the different kinds of bird songs, but I couldn’t quite remember.
