My eyes flew shut. It was some sort of defense mechanism, I guessed, to block out what I didn't want to face.
“Sure. Whatever,” I said.
I was so fucking mad suddenly. I didn't think I could ever look at him again. I probably wouldn't. Not anymore. That was it now. Eight years of friendship and the person I was closest to in the world, gone, just like that. All my fears were coming true.
With that thought, my anger deflated. Sadness times a million doused the weak sputtering embers of anger like a flood.
“I'm sorry,” Kamran said, but he was standing up, moving around the room. I heard him grab his keys. I couldn't look. I just stayed where I was, face turned away, still sitting on the floor, pants still hanging open, pathetic and unable to look at Kamran's retreating back.
He opened the front door, but it took a while for it to close. I imagined that he was standing there watching me, maybe wanting to say something else.Goodbye, my mind supplied and that thought undid me.
Tears suddenly slipped down my cheeks and a moment later, the door shut.
I crumpled like a paper bag.
Tears soaked the carpet.
Why had I been so stupid?
I'd known that Kamran couldn't really want this, that he was confused and lonely. Why hadn't I been stronger? Why hadn’t I said no?
If I couldn't have him as my everything, I at least wanted him as my friend. And now, even that was gone.
NINE
Kamran
I was a fucking coward.
Instead of dealing with Melissa the way I should have, I'd run straight—or not so straight—into Ryan's arms once again. And when he'd given me the best head I'd ever received, when the sight of him between my legs completely disarmed me, I'd run again.
Coming home, I'd been determined to tell Melissa everything that had happened. To explain as best I could and tell her that I knew what she had been doing with Robert. I wanted to get it all off my chest and tell her that it had to stop, all of it, right then and there while we decided what came next.
But I'd forgotten that she wasn't going to be home for hours.
The fact that she was “working late” was the reason I’d ended up at Ryan’s place to begin with.
So now I sat, staring at the clock on the wall, watching the hours pass, with nothing to distract me.
For a while, I sat on the back patio finishing a pack of smokes as I descended into my dark thoughts.
I could be honest with myself and say I had freaked out. It had been too good. Too overwhelming. His touches felt like they went deeper than skin.
It felt like helovedme.
And I had never felt that in someone's touch before. Never. Not even with Melissa.
She'd loved me though, of that I was sure, but it was more something I had seen in the eyes. She'd been easy with her affection too, cuddly, and sweet, always giving hugs and kisses, everything soft and quick. Little touches here and there all day, and I'd returned them all the time. I enjoyed being around her, joking with her, playing games, watching movies, just doing everydaythings...
So how was it that she had never made me feel like that? Like I was being turned inside out by her mouth. Like I was dying and being resuscitated all at once...
I stood, walking to the bedroom, and opening the dresser drawer that had been stuffed with bits and pieces, including our wedding album. We had our favorite photo from that day hanging up in the stairwell under the chandelier and I passed it every day. The novelty of seeing us holding hands in front of a sunset had worn off ages ago. And you couldn't see our faces in that photo, just our backs, so that wouldn't help me now.
Taking a steadying breath, I took the thick album and went and sat down on the edge of the bed before opening it.
The images made a knot form in my throat, sadness coating every memory.
The venue, at the boathouse by the water looked as lovely as I remembered it. Melissa looked even better. She was literally perfect in every way. She had worked her ass off in the gym to fitthat dress just right even though she really hadn't needed to, she had already been in great shape.
