“Ididn’t become a…”OrdidI?I’mnot sure.Rightnow, my mind is swirling so much thatIam no longer sure of anything beyond my feelings forMackenzie.Istand up.Ineed to think, andIcan’t do that here.
“Thankyou all for being excessively blunt and insightful and, well, caring.ButI’vegot to…”Ihike a thumb toward the door. “Notbe here.”
ThenIturn and leave.
CHAPTER41
WAITING IN THE WINGS
JACE
Iwalk into my apartment and drop my bag and cooler just inside my door before heading to my bedroom to strip off my dirty clothes.
Bythe timeIgot home after my family’s intervention, my mom had already left a message on my phone sayingIshould take a day or two off.That’spretty common when one of us has been on as many away missions asI’vebeen on lately—I’vejust never taken her up on it before now.
Assoon asIgot her message,Ilet her knowIwas taking both days.ThenIpacked a bag of clothes and a cooler of groceries before heading over to my storage unit to grab my tent and sleeping bag that haven’t seen enough use lately.ThenIdrove to a camping area in the woods thatIlove.
Ispent those two days with nothing but me, my thoughts, a couple of curious squirrels, far too many bugs, some food, and the family of raccoons that were constantly trying to relieve me of that food.Forthe record, the ending score was me: 10, raccoons: 1.Igave them the bag ofDoritosbecause they seemed to really want them.And, honestly, it wasn’t the food item that was going to keep me alive up there.
Okay, the score was actually me: 7, raccoons: 4, becauseIeventually decided that they should also have the protein bars, granola, and pasta salad.Mostlybecause the battle just wasn’t worth it.
WhenIwasn’t defending against raccoons,Ispent my time thinking about everything my family brought up.Somuch of what they said aboutCharlie’skidnapping and about the fear of failure rang true.Ialso realized that they hadn’t got all the way to the root of things.Towhat failure it is thatIam most fearing.
WhenIlet myself get still and quiet under the maple, pine, and oak trees, something kept coming to the surface: my dad.Istarted thinking about how muchImiss him and howIwishIcould go to him right now and ask for his advice.
ThenIcame up with the wise idea to just have a conversation with him.I’vespent enough time with him— including enough time camping with him in these very woods— thatIcould guess what he would say.SoIdid, with me voicing both my dad’s side of our dialogue and mine since he wasn’t there to actually voice it himself.
Itfelt weird at first, speaking as ifIwere him, picturing him in a camp chair next to me like he had been so many times before.Iwasn’t quite sure how to start, either.Then,Irealized that he probably would’ve just brought it up directly and said something like, “You’reafraid to lose her.”
Whichis true.ButIanswered back, “You’resayingIdon’t want to lose her, butIchose to end things with her, which was purposely losing her.So, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Doesit not?”Icould almost hear my dad saying it.Hewas so good at asking questions to get me thinking more deeply and letting me come to the conclusion myself instead of just handing me the conclusion on a silver platter.
SoItold him whatIknew. “Ifeel likeIneed to protectMackenzieat all costs, butIworry thatImight fail at it.Ithink it probably has to do withCharliegetting kidnapped as a child.”
Aftera pause,Iimagined my dad saying, “WegotCharlieback.”
Inod.
“Butyou lost me, and you didn’t get me back.”
Ibroke down then.Ifelt the pain of losing my dad all over again.Thepain of not having had him around for the past four years.Ofnot being able to have conversations like this with him.Ofnot having him wrap his arms around me in a hug afterward and tell me that he knowsIcan do whatever hard thingI’mfacing.
ThenIsaid, “Everyday,Iam more in love withMackenziethanIwas the day before.Ifshe andIstay together, that will keep happening.Losingher right now has been awful, and that didn’t even have anything to do with whether or notIcould protect her.Howwould it be to lose her a year from now?Orfive or ten or fifty years from now whenI’lllove her so much more?Ibarely survived you dying.Ifsomething ever happened to her, it’ll be more thanIcan handle.Itwill break me.Idon’t thinkIcan face that.”
Isat in silence for a long moment, letting myself feel all the thoughts and emotionsIwas experiencing instead of trying to push them away.ThenIlooked over to whereIimagined my dad was sitting next to me, andIsaid, “Areyou going to tell me the whole ‘It’sbetter to have loved and lost’ thing?”
Iimagined he replied with, “Doyou want me to?”
“Alittle bit, yeah.”
“Ithink you know it is.Haveyou imagined your future without her?”
Inodded. “Andthe conclusionIcame to is thatIloveMackenzieandI’mnever going to stop loving her.Ifwe don’t get back together, somedayI’llbe a seventy-five-year-old man andI’llstill be missing her, andI’llstill be wishingIwould’ve made different choices soIwouldn’t have had to live a lifetime without her.AndIdon’t want to have those kinds of serious, life-altering regrets.Ican’t imagine a life as terrible as spending it withoutMackenzienow thatIknow what it’s like to spend it with her.”
“Andthere’s your answer.”
“Andyou thinkIcan handle whatever comes my way?”
