“What makes it even worse is that it was almost so good,” Lydia said. “We really were doing well. I didn’t imagine it. In the days leading up to that kiss, we were very close, and it didn’t come out of nowhere. I don’t know how to explain his behavior since then, but I think his feelings for me are real.”
* * *
“Your feelings for her are real,” Colin said. “I can tell, Edward. I’ve known you all my life, don’t forget. You try to be cold, but I know when you’re feeling something, and you’re feeling something now.”
Edward wiped a hand across his brow. “I can’t,” he argued. “I can’t allow myself to feel anything. Not like that.”
“And why not?” Colin demanded. “Admit it to yourself. You’re only doing this because you learned it at Father’s knee.”
“What? This has nothing to do with Father.”
“Of course it does. It has everything to do with him—do you think I don’t see it? When you try to succeed in your business ventures, you do it by emulating what worked for him. Father was successful, but he was always cold. He didn’t allow himself to care too much about our family. He didn’t get too close to Mother before she died, and afterward—well, we both know about the way he treated Margaret.”
“Thisdefinitelyhas nothing to do with Margaret.”
“You know she wanted a child of her own. And Father wouldn’t give her that. She had to make do with us. He always said he had his heir, and that nothing else mattered after that. He said his business was more important than whatever might be going on at home.”
“I know he said that, but that doesn’t mean—”
“And you’re doing the same thing,” Colin interrupted. “You think the only way you can be successful is by ignoring love. But it isn’t true. Even if it was true for Father, which I don’t necessarily grant, it doesn’t have to be true for you. You and he are not the same person any more than you and I are. You have genuine feelings for your wife, and you’re ignoring them—worse, you’re pushing them aside—because you think you need to live the way Father did. But you don’t have to do that, Edward. Your choices don’t have to be the same as his were. You can do this however you want to do it.”
“Even if you’re right,” Edward said, “I wouldn’t know what to do about it. After everything that’s happened, how am I supposed to talk to her about this? How am I supposed to tell her she was right about me all along?”
“So, you do admit that she was right.”
Colin smiled. Edward wished he wouldn’t. This moment must be very vindicating for his brother, but for Edward, it was agony. The idea of saying these things out loud to Lydia was terrifying—he could hardly stand to admit them even to himself.
I have feelings for her.
I’m in love with her.
Could that really be true, after all the time and effort he had put into trying to prevent it? Could he have fallen in love in spite of his best intentions?
It seemed that he had. And he had no idea what he was going to do about it.
CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE
The trip to Bath, Edward decided, would be the perfect opportunity to get his thoughts in order. And he had decided to bring Colin along with him on the journey.
He knew that represented a fundamental change in his plans. He knew that he had originally promised Lydia that she could accompany him to Bath. But she was just going to have to understand. He needed this time with his brother right now. He needed to work through all the complicated things that were going through his mind. It was exactly the wrong time for a journey alone with his wife, whom he believed he might be falling in love with. He needed to focus on himself.
“I’m still not sure it’s a good idea, you know,” Colin said.
The two of them were sitting together in Edward’s study while the footmen loaded their things into the carriage that would take them to Bath.
“Nonsense,” Edward argued. “It’s the perfect idea. It’s exactly what I need right now. Are you saying you’re not willing to come along with me?”
“You know I’ll always be there for you, whatever you need,” Colin replied. “I don’t even mind the fact that it means I have to leave Nancy, though you know I don’t enjoy doing that. But for you, I’m willing to. I just wish I understood why it wassodifficult for you to move forward with this relationship, Edward. I can see it in the way Lydia looks at you. She really does love you, and you ought to accept her love.”
“I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do,” Edward explained. “I rushed into that kiss because I wanted it, because it felt right to me at that moment, but now that I’ve had time to reflect, Iknowthat was a mistake. I should never have kissed her before I was certain of my intentions. Wouldn’t you agree?”
“I would,” Colin admitted.
“Well, this is much the same. I can’t exactly confess my love to her until I’m certain it’s real. I need to be sure of my feelings, and the best way for me to do that is to spend some time away from her. If we go to Bath together right now, that city will convince me that I’m in love, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be true. And then, we’ll come home, and who knows what the consequences might be? No, I need to do my best to work through this logically and not let my heart get involved.”
“In matters of love, you have to let your heart get involved,” Colin argued. “There is no other way, Edward.”
“We’ll see,” Edward said. “For now, I want a week where I can focus on work, and I want my brother by my side to help me talk through these complicated ideas.”
