“Madeleine…you need to decide what you want out of life,” Horatia said. “If you really want to have a child, to become a mother, you can go to your husband and tell him so. But as recently as last night, you were terrified of the prospect. You swore to me that you weren’t ready.”
“I don’t want my curse to affect my baby,” Madeleine said. “As hard as it was to lose my parents and siblings, I can only imagine that losing a child would be much worse. I don’t think I would survive that. How could I take such a chance?”
“I don’t know,” Horatia said. “But you’re the only one who can decide what you want to do. You can speak to the Duke about it, and he may come around. But until you know your own mind, there’s no point in worrying about whathewants.”
“You’re right,” Madeleine agreed. “Of course you’re right, Horatia. I can always count on you for good advice. I’m so glad you’re here with me. If you weren’t, I don’t know what I would do.”
“Try not to worry too much,” Horatia advised. “This is nothing that needs to be decided tonight, after all. You just got here. You haven’t even been married for a full day yet. You should wait and see how things develop between yourself and the Duke. Perhaps, in time, the right answer for both of you will reveal itself.”
“And in the meantime? What do you think I should do?”
“I think you should focus on making this place your home. Starting your life here,” Horatia said. “You should try to pay attention to the moment you’re in. Like tonight, for instance. It’s your first night in your new home. Your new room. You should be getting comfortable here. Making it your own.”
Madeleine hesitated. “It doesn’t feel like mine,” she said.
“All your things are here.”
“Notallof my things.”
“Oh—Madeleine, no. You can’t possibly be saying what I think you’re saying.”
“I was promised she would be able to come with me, Horatia.”
“I haven’t had time to discuss with the housekeeper where it’s appropriate for the dog to go, Madeleine. The staff will take care of her. She’s in very good hands.”
“But she’s my dog, Horatia. I should be the one taking care of her. Besides, I didn’t bring her here to never see her. I want her in my room with me. That’s what would make this feel like home.”
“I don’t know what I’ll be told if I try to fetch her for you.”
“I’m the Duchess, aren’t I?” It was what Thomas would say if he knew there was something she wanted. “They all work for me, so shouldn’t they do what I want them to do?”
“Well, I suppose you’re right about that,” Horatia admitted.
“I want Sally to spend the night with me in my room,” Madeleine said. “I won’t feel at home unless she does.”
Horatia nodded. “Very well,” she said. “I’m not used to this side of you, Madeleine, but you’re quite right to point out that you are the Duchess of this manor, and if there’s something you want, I suppose you ought to be able to have it. I’ll go down to the servants’ quarters and see what I can do.”
Madeleine couldn’t help feeling a little guilty. Horatia was right—it wasn’t like her to insist on getting her way, to push her servants around. “If they give you any trouble, you can tell them I made you go,” she said. “You can tell them I ordered it, and you had no choice.”
Horatia smiled. “I’m not going to let them get the wrong impression of you, Madeleine, not on your very first day.”
“But it isn’t the wrong impression. I did order you.”
“We both know you wouldn’t have made me go if I was really worried about the consequences. If we thought there was any real chance I might find myself in trouble over it. Don’t you agree?”
“Well, all right,” Madeleine said. “You’re right. I wouldn’t send you if you didn’t want to go.”
“I know that. That’s why I’m willing. You know I would do anything for you, and part of the reason is that you’ve always had nothing but respect for me. If anyone has a problem with my trying to fetch the dog for you, I’ll take care of it. You needn’t worry about that.”
Horatia smiled and left the room, and Madeleine lay in her bed and stared at the ceiling.
Horatia was right, and she knew it. It didn’t make sense for her to worry about what Thomas wanted out of this marriage when she didn’t know what she wanted out of it herself. She was going to drive herself mad.
Did she want a baby?
Perhaps I do.
It scared her badly to think of subjecting anyone to the potential dangers of her curse. But there was another matter to think about—the fact that she hadn’t had a family since her own had been killed. With the exception of Uncle Joseph—who had always been wonderful to her—and Horatia, who sometimes felt like family, she had been alone and believed that she always would be.
