I know it.
Eli knows it.
But hearing those words from her still stops me. Not being able to say anything back, I just keep drinking my coffee. The hazelnut flavor that usually brings me comfort tastes bitter this morning. Everything feels wrong.
“I can’t right now, Helen. I just can’t—” Those are the only words I get out before my voice hiccups. I drop the half-empty cup to the sink as I hurriedly leave the kitchen area. Taking quick steps upstairs, I lock myself in the bedroom. I let myself get lost in the views of the city around me behind the floor-to-ceiling windows. It’s the only thing I can think of doing right now.
It must have been hours since I last ate as my stomach starts growling. But I don’t have the energy to move more than to the bathroom.
The penthouse around me is too quiet. Helen must have left to look around the city. Once again, I feel horrible about her doing touristy things alone while visiting me. Luckily, she knows how to get around—Helen lived in the Bronx for three years in her youth, if I remember right. She once told me that even though she loves the city, it was too loud for her liking. She feels her best in a small town like our hometown Belchester. There’s less stress there for her. And more space.
I respect that even if it wasn't for me. The city is what makes me feel alive.
* * *
It’s been a few days, and I’m moving on past my anxiety attack like it didn’t happen. Life goes on. Eli goes to work every day, even during the weekend, and I take Helen around the city on my days off. Whenever I have to work, she goes to museums, art exhibitions, and other places she finds interesting. During the evenings, we have dinners together if Eli manages to get time off from his busy schedule. Everything is exactly like before.
My high school classmate Alina, who I only reunited with recently and keep in touch with weekly, video calls me after hearing that Helen is in the city visiting me. They exchange their recent updates. At that moment, I realized that they had stayed connected. Helen knows all about their wedding plans and how her new job at the hospital in Omaha has been.
After their catch-up, Alina asks me if Eli and I want to attend their wedding. “Of course, I would love to! When was it again?”
“The first weekend of January next year.”
“Sounds fantastic! I heard that the reception isn’t anywhere near our hometown, which is a plus.” I chuckle.
Alina laughs too and explains. “Yeah, we’re going to have it where he grew up. His family and my future in-laws are a big part of their local church, so it feels like the right choice.”
That makes sense. I’m just glad that I don’t have to go back to Belchester. That’s why my following comment comes out with cheeriness needed. “I can’t wait to see your dress and meet the guy who put a ring on it! Send me an invite, so I remember the details.”
“Sure, I’ll do that. I need to run, but let’s catch up more later,” Alina exclaims.
I say bye to Alina and get back to eating my chicken Caesar salad. We eat in silence with Helen as I wonder why Alina’s wedding invitation for my plus one made me feel such mixed feelings. It might be because Eli and I need to discuss our past soon. We can’t just ignore the fact of what happened anymore. It could go either way.
How do I rip open the old wounds we both have without hurting current us in the process?
* * *
The week with Helen ends too quickly. After we drop her off at the airport, Eli takes me to my place to get more clothes. Parking in front of the house, he asks if I would like to spend the night with my roommates since I haven’t seen them in a while. I nod and give him a lingering kiss.
Now that Helen has left, there are no more reasons to avoid the talk. The talk can change everything between us. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable about it, but I feel like Eli will never understand what that summer was like to me. But I don’t want to talk today. I need to relax before all that.
I walk up the steps to our door. It opens before I have time to find my keys, and Timmy takes me in one of his signature hugs. He takes one look over my shoulder at Eli in the car, waves to Eli and leads me to the living room, where Marianne and Haisley are sitting with wine glasses.
I wonder if they knew this was what I needed after I texted Marianne on our way to the house. Pouring herself more wine, Marianne also takes care of my no longer empty glass. It gets filled to the rim, which makes me chuckle. Taking the first sip, I relax and get comfortable.
Timmy looks at me with hesitation in his eyes. “So, how is everything with Eli?”
I take a large gulp of my wine before answering. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight. Can we just watchNotting Hilland not talk about him?”
Nodding their heads in agreement, my roommates take seats around me, and Haisley presses play. As we watch one of our romcom favorites, I think more about Eli even though I just said that I don’t want to talk about him. I can’t stop myself from overanalyzing and overthinking our situation.
I wish it were as easy as Hugh Grant makes it seem.
But life isn’t like in the movies.
19
ROSE
