“Ok, the water’s warm and soapy, Rosebud. You ready for a tub?” That’s when I realize I was probably supposed to change her. Oops. God, I’m dumb. Thankfully, Willa scoops Rose up, unsnaps her little outfit, and discards her diaper before gently placing her on the plastic seat inside the tub.
Rose giggles and splashes while Willa sneakily washes her with a soapy little sponge. “Ok,” she turns to me. “You may need to plug your ears for this part. It’s hair washing time and she gets a little fussy.”
Sure enough, when Willa rubs the shampoo into her hair, my little girl starts to cry and the sound breaks my heart. I grab some of the little rubber water toys and make silly faces at them, but Rose is not impressed. Soon enough, though, her hair is clean and she’s wrapped in a little towel.
Back in their room, I grab a fresh diaper from the box on the dresser, obscenely proud of myself for the small gesture.
“Will you grab some jammies? Anything in the second drawer will work.”
I look at my options and it occurs to me that last week at this time I was napping on the couch before heading out to a party with some guys from the baseball team. And now I’m debating between purple pjs with dinos on them or a pink pair with strawberry feet. The dinos win, on both counts. I’m no pro at this dad stuff, but I’d rather be here than in a frat house basement, so I guess that’s progress.
Rose is freshly changed, and Willa’s running a brush through her wet hair. She wasn’t kidding. We’re going to have to start braiding it soon. My kid’s got a mane, I think, leaning against the dresser, just watching as she snuggles into her mama’s arms.
“Shi—Shoot. You probably need to feed her. I can just…” I point behind me, in the general direction of the living room, but Willa’s words stop me.
“You can watch TV, if you want. But it’s fine if you stay. There’s nothing sexy about this, I promise.”
I won’t turn down the opportunity to spend time with either of them, so as Willa settles herself on the bed with a U-shaped pillow, I plant my ass on the carpet, careful to face the door. I know she said it wouldn’t be sexy, but they’re boobs, and they’re Willa’s, and I know my weaknesses.
“So, are you taking classes? I remember you were going to be an esthetician, right? Or are you done with school?” This is good, I think to myself. A nice, neutral topic.
“Uh, yea, no. Having a baby kind of derailed all of that…” Willa’s voice trails off and I feel like a total fuck-up. Of course having a kid changed her plans. Not everyone has unlimited funds, so I’m sure she had to decide between tuition and rent at some point, and...shit.
“Wow. I should have realized that. I just—”
“It’s fine. There’s actually a program starting in January not too far from here, and I’m thinking of taking the entrance exam. Since I’m saving a decent amount living with Ian, I should be able to swing tuition. And if not, I can almost definitely start this summer.”
I close my eyes and count to ten, because if I don’t, I’ll punch the damn wall and no one needs that. Jesus. It makes me sick to think about how much she’s sacrificed. And it makes me even sicker to think about how much I’ve squandered. Fuck me. “I, um, talked to my lawyer today,” I say, figuring now’s as good a time as any to broach the subject. I don’t mention that the primary reason I talked to him is to arrange my community service. “There’s a clinic downtown that does paternity tests. I actually got mine done this afternoon. You can take Rose whenever you want. They’ll just swab her cheek, nothing invasive. Then I just need to get some info from you so my lawyer’s office can set up payments.”
She takes a breath, and I brace myself for her refusal. “Ok, I’ll take her this week. Just text me the address.”
I nod and silence fills the room and I just absorb it. I have no idea what I’m doing here, no clue what my role really is, but I know I don’t want to be anywhere else. What I don’t know is how to earn Willa’s trust. Right now, we’re like polite strangers, but how long can that last? And how can I get her to see that opening herself up to me again isn’t a terrible idea? Or am I just a fool for thinking we could ever make this work? I give myself a mental shake. I can’t let these doubts creep in. Am I a fucking wreck in my everyday life? Yes. But I can do better—I need to do better. They deserve it, and fuck, maybe I do, too.
I hear the rustling of blankets and turn to see Willa rising off the bed to lay a sleeping Rose into her crib. We leave the room quietly and sit on the couch, neither of us making any noise by some tacit agreement not to wake our daughter.
* * *
Willa
We move quietly into the living room. I pick up a few toys and gently place them into their baskets, and Knox joins me and does the same. All too soon, the room is tidy and we’re left staring at each other. Knox takes a seat on the couch, so I do the same, if only to save myself from standing next to him like a weirdo. I’m so out of my element here. I don’t know what to do. It’s impossible to hate him—he’s really trying. That makes no sense, considering his cruel words that summer, but I can’t concentrate on that now. I need to concentrate on moving forward and letting him be a part of Rose’s life, as long as he’s worthy of her.
Knox opens his mouth to say something, but his phone blares loudly from his pocket. He reaches for it in a panic, hastily pressing buttons to silence the song that won’t stop.
“Shit, sorry,” he whispers, as we sit in silence, both hoping Rose stays asleep.
Knox taps out a quick text on his phone, then looks up at me again.
“Thanks for inviting me over,” he says, his voice barely more than a whisper. “She’s amazing—really. I mean, you know that, but... I’m still a little blown away, I guess.”
I smile knowingly. “I get that. I’m still blown away every day.”
“So, I was—”
Before he can finish his sentence, his phone rings again, a little quieter this time, but not by much. His cheeks blush crimson as he texts into his phone.
Wow, what a great night. I can sit here wishing things were different, while Knox fields calls from friends and girls who no doubt want to know when he’s coming to hang out.
“Sorry. Just give me a sec.”
