Chapter 21
Bristol
Watching my best friendget engaged was so special. I was beyond happy for her, but I couldn’t help but be a little bit sad for myself.
What if I never found that kind of love?
The silly, naïve girl I used to be had thought she’d already found it. Only to be proven very, very wrong.
Maybe I’d made a mistake somewhere. Men thought they could take advantage of me because I liked sex. Was that really so terrible? Did that make me less valuable than any other girl? I’d heard all the stories about girls with a stick up their ass who wouldn’t put out. Guys seemed to hate it. But then there was me, who was admittedly easy, and they didn’t want that either.
What the hell did they want? Whatever it was, I needed someone to tell me because I was tired of feeling this way—like I wasn’t good enough to earn a decent man’s love.
Before I knew it, tears were burning behind my eyes, and I knew I had to get out of there before I ruined Dakota’s big day for the second time with my emotional baggage. My vision blurred as I murmured, “Excuse me,”to those standing between me and a door that led onto the massive back deck.
The cold December air was a shock, and I gasped but pressed on, even as I shivered with no coat. Closing the glass door behind me, I was finally alone.
Alone. That seemed to be the theme surrounding my life these days.
Nix had cast me aside, which was fine—I was better off. But Maddox keeping me at arm’s length stung. He’d made his intentions clear, then flipped a switch, saying I wasn’t ready for what he had to offer.
The more time I had to think about it, the more it seemed like he was really saying that he didn’t want to deal with the messy parts of me, the broken shell of a girl trying to put her life back together. He was only interested in a version of me that I wasn’t sure would ever exist—a strong woman who wasn’t overthinking everything in an attempt not to be hurt again.
The first tear slipped down my cheek, and I didn’t bother wiping it away. Maybe letting them loose would cleanse the bad energy surrounding my life.
Why couldn’t I catch a break? Why couldn’t I be unapologetically me and have a man love me for it? It didn’t seem fair.
Life’s not fair.
I knew there was more to life than being on the arm of a man. I had a career, one that I loved. So, even if I did find “the one” someday, I wouldn’t give it up. Maybe my need to be loved came from reading about it daily in Dakota’s books. Those men were incredible, but perhaps the cynics were right—maybe they did set unrealistic expectations.
“Bristol, you’re shivering.” Maddox’s voice sounded behind me, concern bleeding into his tone.
Great, this is just what I need. Him finding me in another moment of weakness.
Hands gripped my upper arms, spinning me around. Rubbing vigorously to warm me, he abandoned that idea and ripped off his suit jacket, still dressed from the plane ride to Hartford.
“Here, take this,” he offered, placing it over my shoulders.
I peeked up to meet his tortured green gaze, and a fresh wave of pain shot through me. He was gorgeous and kind, but I wasn’t good enough for him. At least, not in his mind.
“Thanks,” I muttered, dropping my eyes to the ground.
His fingers gripped my chin, not allowing me to look away. “What’s wrong?”
I swallowed. “Nothing.”
Maddox let out a heavy sigh. “It’s not nothing. You’re out here in the freezing cold without a coat, crying right after your best friend got engaged.”
“Would you believe me if I said I was crying happy tears?”
“Nice try.”
Closing my eyes briefly, I said, “It’s stupid.”
He shifted his hand to stroke a thumb over my cheek, wiping the tears away. His voice softened. “No, it’s not. Talk to me, Bristol.”
Eyes fluttering open, I could almost convince myself he was being genuine—like he really did want to hear my inner thoughts and fears—and I might have, if he hadn’t used my insecurities as an excuse to push me away.
